Hi , 

I'm so sorry for your loss and the situation you are in .

I lost my Mum 5 weeks ago to lung cancer and she too never complained and just kept getting on with things , the amazing things mums are capable of ! 

I was fine for 2 weeks and felt I was managing ok because there was always something to do with funeral planning etc but the day after the funeral I finally realised she was never going to be on the other end of the phone or a few minutes drive away . Some days the grief hits me like a punch in the stomach and on those days it's a struggle to do anything .

For me I'm finding setting very small tasks everyday is helping , it doesn't matter how small or stupid it is but just something to tick off when you get to the end of the day ,I sorted my wardrobe out , we had been on hospital visiting duty for weeks and my bedroom looked like a jumble sale due to not being home long enough to do anything . It was making me feel worse looking at it but I didn't have the energy or want to do it but I finally did it and went to bed feeling I had achieved something . Sometimes it's just emptying the dishwasher or doing washing . Do you like crafts ? I also found crafting helped , I sat and did something which kept my hands and head busy and had something pretty (sometimes) to show for my time . I have a husband and 23 year old daughter at home so it helps that I have to keep going and we are holding each other up .

There is so much to deal with but I'm sure your family will want to help you and find the time for you .

I have never found writing things down a help but I know many people do so maybe start a diary .

I would try and get to the Drs (which I know is easier said than done) 

I hope you feel a bit better for writing it all down and know there are plenty of us all feeling as you are no matter how old we are . Mum's are irreplaceable and I can tell how close you were by your words .

Look after yourself

Debbie x

Hello shore so sorry anxiatys a horroible thing you may not be able to use the phone but you write well .why dont you write letters to your family asking one of them to arrange some counciling for you it only takes them a few minutes and ask them to come with you or take you and stay with you while you get used to the counciler its fear is anxiaty caused by your flyt or fight mechanism been in overdrive ask them to ring the local hospise they d counciling may just help you in other ways to sharing your problem is halving it do you think you can do that if you dont tell your family that you are suffering and need help your never going to get better and you can .i had it caused by a lung problem used to wake up whalf way through a paanic attack thats scary but i looked it up started to tell myself hold on it only lasts a short time so maybe show the post you just put on to us to your dad if hes still with you it pretty much explains how your feeling ime sure they will help its .you can get through this and you eventualy will be ok i dont have it now i kept telling myself its not going to hurt me eventualy the bit of your brain will beleive you . I dont beleive we actualy die only our bodys wear out the energy that drives it is still there all that love you mum had for you is still aaround you you may notice little odd thins like finding feathers some people have said there loved ones visit them in there dreams but there younger and healthy odd isnt it but if you were ill and you passed you wouldnt stay ill when you passed theres theres thing we will never understand or are ment  to when your alone and hurting talk to your mum i do it with my liz mainly when ime in bed the thing is we know we are energy its its aaround us we cant see it but we know its there .come back and talk to us your not alone many are going throe grief like you sone have cancer it took my liz but i dont feel lonely as ive felt her many do so keep trying talking is realy the best thing.paul

I no how you feel I am the same