Hi,

I'm 18 and I'm currently taking my A levels. My dad has been unwell for around 2 years and was in hospital for over a month last year, but the doctors were unable to find a cause/explanation for the ilness. However, about a month ago the doctors diagnosed him with cancer. 

My parents were very reluctant to tell me as they wanted me to focus on my A levels and not have a massive cloud hanging over my head, but in a conversation with my mum this morning it just slipped out. 

I feel absolutely broken and don't really know what to do with myself. I don't want to know more about the cancer and I hate talking about it because I just want it to go away, I keep thinking it's just a horrible dream. 

Me and my dad haven't spoken about it, we're very introverted and he hates me seeing him in pain or having any kind of weakness. I'm just very reluctant to speak to anyone about it because I don't want anyone to treat my any differently, but I feel as though it's literally destroying me from the inside out. 

Im so scared, my dad is my everything and it breaks my heart thinking he may not be there to see my graduation or walk me down the aisle or meet his grandchildren in the future. I really don't know how to handle any of this. I feel so selfish thinking about going away to uni in September as I don't want to be away from my dad when this could potentially be the last couple of months I spend with him, maybe I shouldn't go? 

I'm honestly so heartbroken and I'm imploding not talking about it. Does this pain ever go away? How do I handle all of this? What do I do if my dad dies? 

Sorry this has been so long :( I think I just needed to get it all out. 

Elisa 

x