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I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

23 May 2019 00:04

Today it was confirmed my darling husband has cancer of the voice box and tongue. He is already in hospital on a feeding drip, he is losing his voice, he is in pain, his throat is so sore. Its advanced, been there a while and I am feeling all of the above and scared. scared I will beark down and not be able to support him, scared he will see me scared, scared I will lose him. I am angry because he is the most caring persone, all his life he has given to others, and others have taken from him without thought or kindness., we have just moved to Scotland, Sep last year and are in middle of renovating an old cottage, always his dream to retire here and do this and now it may be snatched away from him. We have been with one another 11 years June 6th and I am greedy I want more, as much as possible. They will not operate but chemo and radiotherapy for 5 days a week, for 6 weeks. All this time he will remain in hospital, he has been in 12 days already while they try to ease the pain and build him up to be strong for the treatment, which we know will be brutal. If the treatment not work they will remove the voice box and part of the tongue. It has not spread, so I guess thats good, we know its not curable but they wont say what best case senario is  regarding life after treatment. I dont want him to go through all this for nothing. I am scared, it took us so long to find one another and I fear I may lose him, I am 59 and he 69, we are all we have. Yes, I am scared and yes I want to shout, scream and cry and yes I do feel cheated, but cheated for him, he deserves better than this. Thank you for letting me write this down, it lets it out. My heart goes out to everyone here in all the forums... God Bless you all and heres hoping................

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

23 May 2019 04:16 in response to kanda0408

Hi kanda 

So sorry about your husband C doesn't seem to care hue it hurts a lot of relatives seem to be hurt more than the pacient, if you want to let it out come on here any time it does seem to help most of us have been through it. Some stay on forum to try and help others.. God bless..

Billy 

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

23 May 2019 08:22 in response to kanda0408

I am so sorry for you. I too am in shock and terror at my husbands diagnosis. All plans have been cancelled and life has become very dark. We will have our 39th wedding anniversary in July and I don’t know how he will be. He’s a gentle, kind and loving person who always thinks of others and it’s so unfair that he should have to go through this horrible, frightening and relentless disease .All I want is his recovery but there is a long winding road ahead with no end in sight. I cry and wail like a mad woman when no one is able to hear. I am thinking of you and hoping that your husband soon feels more comfortable.

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

23 May 2019 16:16 in response to kanda0408

Hi Kanda0408, 

I am sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis. I remember when my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, and I felt the angriest and saddest I had ever felt in my life. It's been three years since he was diagnosed, and it is getting easier to deal with the dianosis, but there are still many days where I wish our life could be normal. I truly hope that there is something they can do to help your husband. It can be so scary when we know we can't really control some things in life. Feel free to come on this forum as often as possible, there are a lot of very supportive people on here. Take care. 

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

24 May 2019 22:57 in response to kanda0408

My husband does not yet have a formal diagnosis of cancer of the oesophagus (can't even spell it yet) but was told yesterday after the camera down the throat thingy it probably is.  We spoke to the link nurse and she told us what would happen so 100% sure he has it.  I cannot stop crying, when alone, I scream and scream.  I am so angry, he is my world and we had so many plans for our retirement.  He is 60 and we have 3 years to go before our mortgage is paid off.  He had a triple heart bypass 2 years ago, followed by heart failure, so things will be very difficult for him. I don't want him to have the pain that is coming.  I am scared, so scared, so my heart goes out to you, I know exactly how you are feeling. 

 

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

24 May 2019 23:32 in response to tonid

I am so sorry to hear of your husbands condition. We have had dreadful news this week which means my husband has to have another operation and chemotherapy - the cancer is more advanced than we were expecting it to be. It’s terrifying . I don’t want him to have the pain and fear.i don’t want my sons to see him weaken and become iller.  I can completely empathise with you..the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming at times and although it’s been 3 months since we’ve been in this world of hospitals and waiting for results I still find myself shocked. All I can do is be there every step of the way with him. And scream and cry when he can’t hear. Wishing you and him better times ahead.

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

25 May 2019 22:32 in response to pelo

Thank you for taking the time to reply.  It is such a dark place to be in for all of us.  Hugs xx 

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

25 May 2019 23:48 in response to Billygoat

Thank you Billy for your kind words, this forum is a lifeline for me at the moment, I am so grateful for the support but so saddened so many are suffering from this evil disease.

 

KAren x

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

25 May 2019 23:54 in response to pelo

Pelo, I am so very, very sorry to hear of your husbands condition, its so unfair and I know exact;y how you are feeling at the moment I will always chat if you need and I will say a prayer for your you and especially your husband. I cry when I get back to Clan, a cancer support charity who have accomodation for me to stay in as we live to far from the hospital to travel back and forth. The last couple of days have not been good for my darling man, he has had an emergency tracheostomy and is finding it difficult to accept all what is happening to him. He is scared but won,t show it, I am so very. very sorry that you have now received this terrible news and I know how you feel inside. I know the fear yu have every single minute of every single day and I can understand how you do not want your sons to see their dad like this. My Andy's cancer is also very advenace but not operable, so I am terrified of what ies ahead for him . I scream in my head all the time and when I am at the hospital with him I smile and laugh with him and inside I am in pieces, totally. Here for you anytime, God bless you both, Karen  xxxx

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

25 May 2019 23:59 in response to GiftThePresent

Hi GiftThePresent and thank you for your words of support. It seems that there is no escape from this evil thing that has taken over so many lives, those effect by it and those that stand by and watch it happening to their loved one. I am pleased to hear that despite the cancer your dad is still here with you and fighting this thing, I don't think life will ever be normal again but I hope and pray that there will be life. We have a friend who was diagnosed grade 4 prostrtae cancer and that was 6 years ago and he is still here with us so your dad is doing so well and I will pray fror him that this continues. Here anytime if you need a chat. Karen xxx

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

26 May 2019 00:09 in response to tonid

Hi tonid, words cannot express the sorrow I am feeling right now for you and your husband. Life is so unfair, you work all your life and plan for the time when you can sit back and think yes, we did it! We to had plans, Andy is 69 and we only just started to realise our dream by moving to Scotland and buying an old cottage/school house that needed total renovation, that was last September. It was his and mine our dram. He had rennovated properties for so many others, his last he wanted to do for us. Now this, suddenly from a very fit and active man he is looking tired and weak and helpless. All he wants to do is be at the cottage and he fears he will never see it again. I fear that as we,, , so my heart goes out to you as I know totally how you feel. Always here for a chat .I will pray for you both xxxx

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

26 May 2019 01:44 in response to kanda0408

Thank you, Karen. I have just woken up from a brief sleep and I am feeling so anxious I don’t know what to do. My husband also is terrified and the haunted look in his eyes is horrible to see.It is so unfair that he has to go through this ..he is only now beginning to realise just how unsure the future is and what we are up against. Best wishes to you and your husband. I can totally understand how you are feeling. 

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

26 May 2019 22:43 in response to kanda0408

My husband to is scared but will not show it.  God this is so difficult for our loved ones and us.  I just want to hug everyone.   xxx 

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

28 May 2019 00:32 in response to pelo

Hi Pelo, I know that look as my husband also has it and it breaks my heart. Please message me anytime if you want to talk I sent you a friend request. No pressure I am there or here if needed. I want to sleep but cant, today he did not want me to leave him and he had that look, so I stayed from 0830 in the morning to 11.10 at night and I want to cry but have no tears, I feel for you and your husband and for everyone in this rotten, rotten club we all now seem to belong to...... My thought are with you both xxxxx

I want to shout, scream and cry and I feel angry and cheated

28 May 2019 00:35 in response to tonid

It terrible isnt it, knowing they are scared but they try not to show it but as Pelo says her husband has that look in his eyes as does mine and it haunts me all the time. I to want to hug everyone here and most of all I want my Andy to be able to hug me but he cant right now..... will he ever ever again hug me like he used, now I am crying xxxx love and HUGS to youtonid and to everyone .Karen