Hi Diane

You have been through a great deal and nothing is ever the same again afterwards. I'd bet that everyone here that has cancer has had or is experiencing at least one and possibly all the emotions you describe. I finished a recent bout of surgery 4 weeks ago, it was successful, currently there is no discernable cancer left in me ( they said that last time) so I too live with that constant nagging in the back of my head. people are surprised if I turn down an evening out because I'm tired after a day of doing not much physically. Or I'm not my usual fun filled self. I do find myself pushing people away, as I need time on my own and need all my energy for me. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying my life right now but everything you've said in your post rings true. I too belong to the selfish and ungrateful club now and again. I think its a normal reaction to this debilitatating disease. Wishing you well. Kim

Hi Diane & Kim Kims right about keep thinking that the cancer is coming back. After being given a 17% chance of surviving 5 years and now being cancer free for over a year it's great but scary. I think that for ( in my case) over 12 months you are defined by your cancer your life revolves around treatment, tests, hospital and apart from checkups' that is over. Your not the same person you have gone through a traumatic experience so now you have to find yourself again. My cancer journey has not been as dramatic as both of yours, you have been to the edge and been pulled back. Try to do the things you enjoyed even if you don't want to find yourself again. And as I always say talk about it.

Hi Kim

Thank you so much for your reply, it's reassuring to hear that I am not alone in feeling the way I do. I guess we just have to keep going!

All the best to you.

Hi River 56

Thanks for your reply.We are all on a difficult journey and it helps to know we are not alone feeling the way we do. I find it difficult to talk about it to family and friends as I don't want to upset them or worry them or make them feel responsible for my happiness. As you say, it's been a traumatic experience so maybe I will feel differently in time.

All the best

Diane 

Hi Diane

Can I just say that please talk to someone close. They may be worried about you and by letting them know how you feel will actually help them. They have been on this journey with you, supporting you and I am sure that even though they may not understand your feelings they will support you and help you through this period of re-adjustment.

River

Try talking to your GP, you may have depression on top of everything else.

Many of us on here do - not surprising given the trauma we've lived through.

Best wishes

Dave

Hi Katie,

The one thing I've learned is that, where cancer is concerned, there is no such thing as normal lol

I survived by telling myself that my 5% chance of living 2 years meant that 1 in 20 people would survive that long, so let's do everything needed to make me the 1 in my 20. That was three years ago, I'm now aiming at being the 1 in my 33 who survive 5 years :-)

The thing is to try to keep the fear under control, in order to enjoy what life we have - a bl**dy hard balancing act. 

As I said earlier we stepped outside of normality when we were diagnosed. John Lennon got it right ... "Whatever gets you thru' the night ..."

www.azlyrics.com/.../whatevergetsyouthroughthenight.html

Cheers

Dave

Lol - I'm the worst thing imaginable. An engineer by education and a project/IT/NHS manager through training and experience. So, as you can imagine my care pathway was accompanied by mental to do lists, timelines, gantt charts, risk analyses, options appraisals and projections. 

:-)

It is interesting how different people take charge of how they will manage their treatment. The two engineers here taking a planned and calculated approach to the task. With others approaching it not so methodically.

The GB Olympic cycling team, when asked what their strategy had been for success, said they had decided to improve every parameter of their game by just 1%. The sum total of this apparently modest target enabled their resounding success.

The prognosis with neck cancers is very poor with Dave at just 5% chance of getting to 2 years, I was told 20% in my case but similar at 5 years. I followed a similar plan to the cyclists, I read about some research on the CRUK website showing people with good levels of vitamin D having fewer recurrences and longer survival times with the type of cancer I have. Increasing my chances by 12.5% ( I've put £5 on horses at higher odds)  seemed pretty good and all for 3p a day for a vitamin D tablet. Similarly good diet, healthy weight and plenty exercise have been shown to give better outcomes. Mentally too, if you are pro actively doing something about your cancer may add a percentage point or two to your survival rate. Of course none of this may be anything at all to do with passing the 2 year hurdle and I just happen to be lucky to have an excellent surgeon and oncologist who did their very best for me. Kim

Kim,

That's interesting and bears out some sports psychology I learned along the way while training to be a management coach. One of my own coaches is also a sports psychologist and mentor and had worked with one of the local rugby league teams (at the time I was working at a Trust which covered Warrington, St Helens, Wigan, Leigh and Widnes). The team he'd been working with had won the League Cup that year and they reckoned that the visualisation techniques he'd taught them gave them about a 1% edge, which was enough to tip the balance in an evenly matched final. They came out at half time several points down but were all visualising what it would be like to be the champions. Their positive attitude confused the other team who started to make mistakes which led to a local victory. Obviously this won't work with cancer which can't be psyched out, but there are parallels.

Cheers

Dave