We sadly lost my Nan almost 9 weeks ago to liver and bone cancer. It was my Nan's second fight with cancer, having beaten breast five years earlier. We took her into hospital on Friday 10th Jan and by the Sunday it was confirmed that things weren't looking good. However, we received positive news from the oncologist on the Tuesday who advised that without treatment, my Nan would be looking at months, but with treatment, it could be several years. Needless to say we were praying it was the latter as months was just an impossible time line for our precious Nan. We were told that Nan was to have some medicine to see if it would reduce the swelling but would take a little while to take effect. So we waited. It really was torture and the unknown was just awful. I don't know how my Nan managed that week but she was her usual witty self. Finally, Friday came and from the way my Nan was looking and just her general self, we were expecting positive news. Sadly, we were told the complete opposite and what was once learning that the worst case scenario was months, turned into a nightmare that, in actual fact, we were now looking at a matter of weeks. My lovely Nan decided to take back a bit of control and decided she didn't want to stay in hospital a minute longer than she had to. So, with that, we were out of there as fast as we could. The next week was as good as it could have been. She was still her normal self, worrying about everyone as usual but also very positive in that she would somehow beat the odds and still be here in 6 months time. My heart broke every time she would say it cos as much as I wanted to believe it, I knew it wouldn't be the case. Still, we kept her positive and believing. Nan was still eating and drinking, moving about as much as possible. By the second week of being home my Nan had began to deteriorate, and on the Thursday morning she got up from her chair, unaided, and went to bed. She slept for most of the day and Friday. She had started to get quite agitated by Friday afternoon and it was recommended that she had a syringe driver. Nan was terrified of falling asleep and not waking up so she fought it as much as she could. She had been told from the doctor in hospital that she would probably start to sleep more often and one day she would fall asleep and not wake up again. How I wish it had happened like that for my poor Nan. It got to the point where she struggled to communicate but, towards the end, she managed to sit up and cuddle my mum. That memory will stay with me forever. It was absolutely heartbreaking to witness this strong, independent woman was slipping away. That night, after lots of tears, our family had to say our final goodbye. 

I know this is a long post and I'm sorry but I just miss her so much. It was the worst three weeks of my life and I just can't believe it has actually happened. I cry for her every day, praying that this isn't true and it's all a bad dream. She was cruelly taken just 5 days before her 75th birthday. I'm so angry and I feel really disappointed with her care in the final 3 weeks of her life. The nurses in the hospital were just awful (apart from 1 or 2) and the community nurses weren't any better. It wasn't until the Friday night when she was passing away that we actually had a lovely nurse with us who showed so much respect and compassion. 
 

My Nan was more than just a regular Nan. She did so much for our family. She was a Nan to 8 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren. She played a part in all of our lives. I was lucky enough to spend lots of time with my Nan. When I was younger we used to go on holiday, I lived with her for some time and, as I got older, I walked dogs with her every Monday and Tuesday. We did this right up until middle of December 2019. My whole world has changed and I find myself thinking about her all the time. I wish I could talk to her, I wish she could see all the lovely flowers that are in bloom (her favourite time of year is Spring), I wish I could go to hers for lunch and watch her cut up a salad (she has a very distinct way of doing this!). I wish I could listen to her moan, I wish I could moan to her! But most of all, I wish I could cuddle her and give her a kiss. I now feel like I never did that enough. My Nan loved a cuddle. I'd give anything to bring her back and I feel so sad for my Mum, Aunt and Uncle. We are lucky to have each other but it's not much consolation when you feel as sad as we do now. 
 

I know many people have lost people they love and I know grief is so individual. I'm just scared I will never stop feeling this awful pain in the pit of my stomach. 
 

I miss you so much, Nan. I hope you're OK, wherever you are xxx