Hi Deban,

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your husband. Have just lost my father and brother in law to prostate cancer plus I have had it myself but luckily thanks to my wife it was caught early and I have made a good recovery. My sister in law is feeling much like you. Brother in law went down so quickly; he wanted to be with us for Christmas but it wasnt to be.

Hope you have support from your respective families.

Sending best wishes and kind thoughts your way, Brian.

Hi Deben,

My father died a couple of years back, and like you I got a call from the hospital and was too late to get there before he died.

So when my wife's cancer started to worsen at the end of September I was determined to be there. And I was, I stayed there for the best part of 48 hours to be there when she died - and you know what?  I don't think it made an ounce of difference.

Yes every case is different but in hers she had increasing pain and increasing medication and yes it's a cliche but she really did slip away.

I'd say the chances are that it was similar with your husband. He just slowly became less concious of his surroundings and what was happening and slipped into unconciousness.

What I'm saying is try not to feel guilty.

I think it's a very natural reaction when we lose someone - you replay over in your mind things that you could have done which would have changed the outcome or made it better but in many cases it really isn't like that. Dealing with loss is hard enough without finding ways to beat yourself up about things you could have done differently.

The thing I don't think I expected was that tendency to inflict pain on yourself - I know the events of those few days that are the most painful and yet I find my mind deliberately wandering back to them it's like a bad tooth or ulcer that you can't stop your tongue from prodding.

Yes it is hard, really hard. I know that I was a complete wreck for the first few weeks, then I started to put it to the back of my mind a bit and get on with things because I have to. Now I'm at a stage where it jumps out and bites me when I'm not expecting it and I think "Oh yes I must tell...Oh yes right", or I get confused when I wake up and forget - I dare say with time that will happen less often but I suspect it always will occasionally.

A lot of married people die every day and every one leaves a husband or wife wondering how they can live on their own - pretty much all of them do - and so will you, and so will I

Hi Deban

I lost my hubby at the start of this year  and though I had nearly three years to come to term with his terminal diagnosis I still felt much as you do just know. I was however by his side (he chose to die at home) but I cannot say this made it any easier.  The loss of the loved one hits hard. takes time to grieve and move forward again. I coped (and still do) day to day and had the love and support of family, a very few close friends and this wonderful forum.  Come and post as often as you need as you are never alone on this forum and we are a very understanding bunch. 

It has often been said that people who are dying almost choose their own time to slip away quietly with little fuss. My own Dad passed away some 8 years ago and neither my Mum (she lived just 10mins away from the hospice) nor me or the grandchildren were with him.  I felt guilty but the very understanding nurse who was looking after him (and us) explained that she had often known this to be the case and in time you will accept his peace as  your own and be able to find a way to accept the sadness it brings to those left behind.

Sending virtual hugs and here to chat if you wish. Jules54

Brian thank you for your kind words 

Graham, thank you for your reply. I was with my husband when he died but he was unconscious and I just hope he knows I was there holding his hand.  Thank you  for sharing your story with me.  Best wishes 

Julies I was with my husband when he died but he was unconscious I wish I had stayed as when  I left him the previous evening he seemed ok and on the mend and we could  have talked some more , still can't understand his sudden deterioration.  Thank you  for telling me your story, everyone says it will get easier and I am sure it will but right now I can't see it.  Sending you  best wishes 

Then you have absolutly nothing to feel guilty about.

It sounds as if you had a very close relationship that brought you both much joy - and there is a price to pay for that which we put to the back of our minds - the grief when that ends is that price.

Like a spectacular holiday or a fabulous meal we should not begrudge paying the bill but rather look on it as a price worth paying for what has been a wonderful experience

Sharing stories helped me at my time of loss as I soon realised I did not have to journey forward completely alone and the feelings I had were natural following the loss of a husband of many years.

When my Dad passed away the hospice nurses told us that hearing was very often the last sense to be lost and even when my best friend was unconscious for three days prior to her passing we held her hand and talked around her bed. Try not to feel guilty but allow yourself time to grieve the love you  have lost. You mentioned sudden deterioration and all I can say is my husband had been chatting with us during the day from his bed in the lounge and our children/grandkids returned home expecting to do the same the following day but it was not to be as he slipped away late that same evening. Ten months on it is less painful to recall and I take comfort that his cancer suffering is no more.  Miss him still of course but he is in my heart and the memories we made together go forward with me as yours will with you in due time.

Take care of yourself, best wishes  Jules

I lost my wife on the 29th October she had suffered a brain tumour for a year. My world feels like it has been turned upside down. They say time is a good healer and I'm hoping it is. I stay strong for the kids and they help me but deep down it tears me apart to to think of the years we could have been together. It would have been our first wedding anniversary on the 29th of this month and we thought we would have a few years together at least but it was not meant to be. 

Thank you  cg, I'm really struggling today I am so sad my life seems so pointless, he was the fun one with loads of friends and I am so proud to be his wife I feel so useless without him I miss his love and encouragement he made me feel so special