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I feel scared to see my Dad

Amy987
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My dad was diagnosed with non invasive Bladder Cancer around 4 years ago. His cancer is progressive but he's kept it quite breezy until the last year or so. He tells me what I want to hear pretty much and I don't ask for anymore.

I live a 6 hour drive away with my husband and 2 children. When we visit it's not a taboo subject we just don't think on it for too long and he doesn't want to talk about it too much either. In the summer I went at an awkward time and he was really suffering the chemo side effects, he could barely make it out of bed. When he did he was very irritable (rightly so) but I found it hard to see him in a way I wouldn't normally see him because I'm not always around. I left selfishly thinking he didn't appreciate my visit! I know it's wrong to feel that way. His interaction with his grandchildren was impatient and I felt like I needed to leave. He felt really unwell he was swearing in front of the children about work and I couldn't stay any longer.
I have the luxury of leaving and FaceTiming him at convenient times when I'm home. I don't see the toll it takes on him. He jokes about his bald head to the children and we all laugh but inside I'm heartbroken and I don't want him to know that because that will make him feel bad. He hasn't ever been one to talk about how he feels too much and that's his way. We are close now but I found him to be a little too strict when I was younger and I've not always agreed with the choices he's made and sometimes I use these things in my head to try and make me feel annoyed at him so I'll perhaps careless about his illness. Obviously that doesn't work....‍♀️ 
 

I don't know why I posted really, maybe because I don't understand why I feel scared to see him and I don't have anyone who understands, I don't like to discuss it with my brother and sister because I don't want them to be anymore worried and I don't want to cry with them. I try to be logical and I know that sounds cold but if we cry together about our fears I feel very uncomfortable.

His illness has certainly progressed and I need to work out how to put my feelings aside to be accepting of how he is.

 

  • Hello Amy

    I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. It can be difficult to accept that someone we love is dealing with cancer and all the things that come along with it. I'm sure that at times over the past 4 years it's helped your Dad to "keep things breezy" too. 

    If there are things that you want to tell your Dad but don't feel comfortable talking to him then maybe you could write a letter. You don't necessarily need to send it but it may help you to work through some of your thoughts and feelings by putting things down on paper. 

    Alternatively if you'd like to talk to one of our nurses then I'm sure they'd be able to offer some support and advice. They're available on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator

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    You shouldn't be scared. He is your Dad. Illness or not that's all part of who he is and it's his journey.

    Us men don't talk like women do, we have a flaw and with many men especially older men we don't want to talk about upsetting issues.

    It doesn't mean he doesn't care, doesn't mean he doesn't love you any less and it doesn't mean he isn't scared it just means he doesn't know how or what to say. That may well be what you have to adjust to accept on his behalf.

    My dad said very little of his illness, about the only thing was he had lost the light at the end of the tunnel. But little taps and squeezes of your hand, those little looks and silent moments are all part of what he will be saying.

    I can't think of many men who would want to admit they are scared or maybe facing defeat to their daughter.

    Maybe not discussing things are the easier way?

    I decided at the end with my Dad if he wanted to remain in denial and wanted to leave things unsaid or not faced that the best thing I could do was grant him that wish. Let him be with his thoughts and feelings.

     

    Either way you have my utmost sympathy and best wishes but don't tie yourself up in knots because he is dealing with it in a different manner to how you want him to or feel it should be.

     

    It is his journey.

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