Last week I went to see my mum for Easter. I live relitively far away from her and i was going to visit for the weekend. My mum has a long history of severe mental health problems, alsthough for th epast 5 years, she was receiving a depot injection, which was being managed relitively well. Before christmas I was going through a horrible break up and was pretty much homeless and struggling to cope. I didn't spend as much time with her as I should have, and she missed her injection. When I went down for christmas thisngs had started to unravel and I put this down to her MH and laso that she'd become close to my ex and now that we were not together she didn't have anyone to impress (my other familiy memebers are distant and I've always kinda looked after her by myself). I felt so frustrated and upset by the whole situation, I was also pretty annoyed that she'd missed her meds (again), because I was so depressed about everything in my life I didn't spean time with her. She missed a couple of visits and I was working and just trying to get on with things. My ex and I started to speak and work on our relationsship and easter was the time he was coming back down to meet her again. She hadn't replied to my text the night before, so the next day we just called round because the curtains were closed in the flat and I was worried.

I managed to get the neighbours to let me in and I could hear a kind of moaning coming from the flat, but no reply at the door and to my calls. Then I noticed a foot poking from the bedroom. I was terrified and asked my boyfriend to kick the door down. I found my mum on her back, eyes closed, stiff down one side with blood over her face, she'd lost control of her bladder and was cold. As you can imagine I was losing my mind. The ambulance arrived and took her to A&E. We waited for hours and hours and she wasn't responding, they explained the scan had found a 'mass' on her brain and at somepoint she might need to go to another hospital in a town another hour mins away, but felt she was stable. She'd sufferd a huge seizure and had potentially been laying there for 24 hours. I left the hospital for a couple of hours to eat etc and when I came back they told me they were taking her to the other hospital and sedating her for the journey. She had apparently deteriorated slightly and was being moved to an ICU and they would do more scans. A day or so later I was told what they they had found was that her sodium levels had dropped, that there was a large cancerious tumour on her brain and also in her lungs and other parts of her body. I was told that if they operated on her brain, that it would affect her quility of life and she wouldn't be the same person she was before. I was also told that there were no guarantees she'd make it, then there was the lung cancer to deal with. They told me that she has 6 months absolute maximum and that what they hoped for me and her was that she would be able to come off life support and say some words to me. I was told to start thinking about he being looked after in a hopice.

Since then I have taken her for dinner and to the beach, she can walk and talk, but her memory is bad and her vision has been impacetd. I feels unreal and I am greatful to have this time with her, but I am scared every time i leave her. She is still in hospital until the OT can check her flat and do some work to get her home. She's a trooper, theres no doubt about it. However, I'm confused, I don't know whats going on. I am getting no clear answer as to how long she has left. There are various docotrs and nurses, pallative nurses, Nurosurgeions that visit as and all say something slightly different and more confusing. Who is my point of call? Who knows best? Who do I beleive?

Then theres all the other things, what do I do about my job? How can i be so far away from her? How can I afford not to work? Should I care for her myself - it doesn't seem finacially possible and her flat isn't really built for two. Every day I'm not with her I feel selfish, but I'm exhuasted.

It feels so overwhelming and like everything is slow and disorganised, or perhaps I'm just not understanding. Theres to much information to take in online, I'm torn between where I should be. The flat is left as I found it and I'm to scared to go back to the horror of what happened there. I just don't know where to start.

My heart is breaking and my world is crashing down. I feel totally lost.