Welcome to Cancer Chat, Kelley.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. On behalf of everyone here at Cancer Chat I sent you our heartfelt condolences.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

Best wishes,

Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hello KGay516.  I am so sorry that this has happened to you.  Nobody expects to have to see their children die but to also having had to watch her suffer as she did must have been torture for you.   And you must now feel you have no family with whom to share your pain.  Your feelings are entirely understandable.  Please just take one day at a time.  This is an awful time for you and I and others have found it best just to take things in small chunks and not look too far ahead after losing a loved one.

Was your other daughter close to her sister?  If so, is there no chance of the two of you trying to help each other at this time?  I admit it does sound as you have written off this relationship but she is the one person who may be feeling similar pain to yourself.

If this is not possible you need to find others with whom to talk about what you are going through.  Keep talking to us by all means but you may find it helpful to talk with Cruse Bereavement Care (Freefone 0808 808 1677).  I hope you also have friends who care for you.

When my mum died I put a photo in place of her being physically with me.  I talked to her, put a photo of my son - who was born after she died - next to her photos, wrote notes to her and burned them on a candle so they might float up to her.  You should do anything that helps you.

I am so sorry.

Dear KGay516

I am so sorry to read of the loss of your daughter.  This is the most awful thing that can happen to a mother and I feel your pain.  It is at this time you need support from family and friends and you do not seem to be getting this.  There are people in the Maggie centres who will speak to you, Clan centres as well as this site and the Macmillan one.  It is difficult to learn to live this new life without your child and I do not know if we can ever do this.  It is just over a year since my 35 year old son died from bowel cancer with liver mets and to be truthful I still cannot accept that I shall never see him again, obviously I know that I will not but it hits you like a ton bricks and there are no rules to help you with this.  Each of us is an individual and this most of awful of events is individual to each of us.  I hope that you can find some comfort from friends and that your other child and you can find a path of communication.  I dont think there is anything that i can write that will truly help you but i send you lovexx

leslie

Hello  Kellie.

So sad & sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter..This is my first attempt to comment outside the introduction page..I share a similar journey living each day with Esophageal Cancer, since diagnosed as terminal in July last year...My tumour had shrunk slightly or remained stable after Radiation Therapy. I was blessed with a ''Honeymoon'' period, where things improved a lot but the monster is now back more aggressive than ever.

I am under Palliative Home Care & Pain and Sleepless Nights, has been my biggst challenge. It was just over the last 3 days that the nursing staff felt that I was not absorbing my Oral Morphine Medication and was put on liquid vials injected via a ''Butterfly Clip'' in my arm..This makes a big difference but with the combination of COPD pain it is still driving me to the edge of insanity.

I too have no close family except one sister & a 28 year old daughter with Grand Mal Epilepsy, who is in trial treatment with Canabbis Patches & it has been very successful, even though it is Synthetic Based..Med.MJ has been legalised in our State but it is near impossible to get any doctor to provide a presciption..It would be somewhat helpful with the pain.

Not sure what else I can say at such a sad time in your life but leave you with this song....

www.youtube.com/watch

Peter xxx

Dear Kelley,

I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your young daughter and offer my sincere sympathy to you and your family.

I lost my brother at the same age and know just how tough we all found this, especially how hard my mum discovered it was to accept that her beloved son had gone before her. My mum had breast cancer for 12 years before it metastasised in her liver, lungs, bone and brain. This only happened in her final year, but it took her very quickly.

Her pain was considerable and was not well controlled. That was 20 years ago and I well remember just how heart-breaking it all was. I have lost both parents and many family and friends to cancer and know only too well how cruel it can be. I have now had two bouts of primary breast cancer myself. The first was diagnosed nearly 8 years ago and the second nearly 7.

It is far too soon for you to come to terms with this yet. We all react differently to such grief. Don’t try to put it all behind you. Acceptance will come with time. Although you will never forget her, you will eventually remember her pre-cancer and smile as memories come flooding back. At the moment just take things day by day. Eventually, you will find that the more recent memories which I’m sure you probably find the most upsetting, will gradually fade, though it does take some time.

What a pity that your relationship is not so good with your other sibling. I know nothing of your circumstances, so please excuse my next question. Is there any way that you could repair the bond that I presume was once there? If nothing else, a tragedy like this tends to make us appreciate how precious family is and how short and tenuous life can be.

I do hope that you have support from other family members and friends. Please remember that we are always here for you whenever you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Dear Kelley,

I lost my 29 year old daughter on 18th December to a rare aggressive salivary gland cancer! I'm struggling so much and came across your story of loss which struck me so hard in its similarities .

My beautiful daughter was so unbelievably fit and healthy but this aggressive disease took her piece by piece. She underwent surgery initially to remive the tumour and get lower jaw and was beginning to get her life back after 12months when a scan showed a spread to her lungs and spine.

Like you we tried everything we could as there seemed to be so little infornation out there. Like your daughter our anazing girl struggled so much with pain when it was discovered she was not absorbing oral meds properly and needed a syringe driver for her last 6 weeks.

The pain of watching someone you love go through such agony is unbearable, you feel powerless to help when as a mother it is what you have always dine.

I notice your post was from the start of 2018 so I dearly hope you have found some peace and that better, happier memories fill your thoughts.

Much love 

Katen

Dear Karen,

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter - another young life taken too early . I offer my sincere sympathy on your loss. You must be totally devastated by this. I have lost both parents and several relatives and close friends to cancer. I have also had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself in the past 9 years. It is a cruel disease.

I lost my young brother to an accident when he was only 28 andI know only too well the impact that this had on all my family, but particularly my mum.This is just not the natural run of things. You never expect your children to go before you.

Watching a loved one suffer with pain is heartbreaking. and you will tend to recall these more difficult moments at the end to start with. However, I hope that, with the passage of time, you will be able to recall fonder memories.

I do hope that you have a good support network from relatives and friends.

Please remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Dear Karen,

It makes me nauseous just thinking about where you are in this god-forsaken journey through hell on earth. This i will say though, I don’t have terrible breakdowns nearly as much as I did the 3-6 months after my Caroline passed. I’m still reading books on the loss of a child which help and i am in therapy. This Christmas (a few days ago) was not fun. The emptiness was huge. My Mother died six months to the day after my daughter died. 2018 is a terrible year. 

I so understand what you are feeling. It is beyond the human brain to comprehend such a terrible loss. The misery is made worse by the witnessing of the horrifying suffering our children went through. Of which there was little we could do. I took Caroline to the Mayo Clinic, Tijuana and Santa Barbara. Ca for alternative medicine. Her cancer was insanely aggressive. . Sounds similar to your precious daughter. I hate it when people say ‘well she’s not in pain anymore ‘ .. I say ‘no! she’s Dead!’ I’m the one in pain!! and she’s never coming back!! People mean well but... ugh. Take one day at a time. Do whatever you can to pamper yourself. Get plenty of rest. Spend time with family and friends. I cried and cried the first 6-8 months. The anniversary of Caroline’s death is January 15th. I still can’t believe she’s gone. 

Hello Karen. I've been reading your post . We lost our 27 year old daughter on 20th of October 2018 . She was diagnosed with lymphoma in July 2017 . She was back and forth to the doctors but they dismissed her time after time . She has a beautiful little girl that we are now raising. She was a school teacher and did lots of charity stuff . Our three year old granddaughter misses her mummy so much and as for me . I think I'm loosing my mind I keep thinking of how I can bring her back . The pain of losing her my best friend my go person when I needed a ear is now gone . I keep replying all the horrible pain she went through and the worst for me was when they put her on a driver and she couldn't move or speak I knew she could still hear . The doctors and nurses came in to the room talking about the end of life like she was a old lady like it was just one of those things. I will never forgive them as the tears ran down her face . How do we ever get this pain to stop . We miss her so much I also lost my mum to cancer thirteen months before my husband has had it twice . What's life all about ? Our kind and gentle children are not just a number because they are grown up . Doctors may do things differently if it was their children unable to move and listening to how long they have . I'm so distressed and will never come to terms with it . I just loved her so so much . Just needed to connect with a mum who knows how I feel . Take care and I hope you are navigating this horrendously awful time with plenty of love from all . Thanks for letting me rant x

wow I’m so so sorry darling that you have had to watch your own baby go through this..I seen the exact same thing happen to my uncle who was 38 when he passed..we couldn’t physically touch him when it became terminal due to the slightest tough caused him excruciating pain..I so feel for you and no words can change it but what I will say darling is it gets easier as time goes on..never ever get over it but gets easier I promise..people say atleast there not in pain anymore but doesn’t make any difference does it..keep your chin up and soldier on..she knew you loved her dearly and will be looking down on you..always remember the good times..I’m thinking of you and remember that you was always there with her and that she knew you loved her dearly.. ️