I always know what I want and what to do but not this time14 Feb 2023 21:21
I have never done this before but feel I might get some clarity in my foggy head.
So last year on 1st April I went for my routine cervical smear test and whilst having it done the nurse told me "it doesn't look right" I was obviously thinking what do you mean ......
It took until the 1st June to get my results, I was HPV positive and had grade 3 cells. After a biopsy and a MRI I was diagnosed with early stage cervical cancer at the age of 32, my heart broke, I already have 2 children and me and my partner had only just decided that we were going to have a baby of our own, I felt like my world had fallen apart and my future was uncertain.
After 2 lots of surgery and the hope that would be it, I started to set my mind to the future, during a break down my partner had told me that nothing would make him happier than to be able to say that I was his wife so I decided to book the wedding and surprise him, his face was like flicking a light bulb back on, it was an amazing feeling after all the bad and negative hurdles we had recently had to cross. Our wedding is booked for August this year! I wanted something positive to focus on.
My consultant called following my surgery and told me that they think they have gotten all the cancer but they aren't 100%, although it was better news it still left uncertainty. I was told again that I shouldnt get pregnant for atleast another 6 months. At this point I was just fed up, I was fed up of being told how to live my life and what I could and couldn't do so I decided to tell them that I wasn't going back on contraception and if I fell pregnant then it was meant to be.
We are now 5 months in after my surgery and I am awaiting my hospital appointment for further tests to see if I am clear still. I ha ent managed to get caught pregnant and I am worrying they are going to tell me that I need a hysterectomy sooner than I had hoped ( I have agreed to have a hysterectomy after I have had a baby) and on top of this I get married in 5 months time and have bought the most amazing and flattering dress.
I don't know what to do! I dont know whether to continue without contraception and see if I can get pregnant as I'd planned but then run the chance of being heavily pregnant for my wedding and have to scrap my dress or go back on contraception and wait until after the wedding to try again knowing that at any point the cancer could get worse/ come back and then need a hysterectomy and lose the chance of being able to have our baby.
I'm confused as normally I know my mind and know what I want but I feel so out of control. I've always believed everything happens for a reason and would normally let nature take its course but this time Im u sure on what to do.
If anyone has been in a similar situation or may have some advise to help me make a decision it would be very much appreciated.
I've gone through the whole process on my own, I went to every appointment and surgery on my own, I was strong I knew what I wanted and needed to do, in my mind that was my way of protecting my family from the pain, but now I have no idea and feel like I can't talk to anyone close to me about it.