Hi jen. 

So sorry your husband has changed so much. 

Yes sometimes husbands and wives do change afraid no idea why. As you've found arguments don't help.

If he's mobile and can care for himself could you move in with your mother to give him time to think about what he's doing if he doesn't change well you'll have to think about yourself more..

This is my suggestion hopefully others will have ideas as well, hope you get sorted soon and have a good future. 

Billy 

How awful for you, but dont let it continue.  I've been coping with cancer for three years (my husband) and he has been very much like this at times, at first I let it go then realised that the more he did it and I said nothing the more he did it!  So if he is unpleasant I tell him so, you do not bite the hand that feeds you.  I have even left at one point, that shook him up a lot.  If he starts and you don't want to argue just walk into another room, get in the car and go somewhere else.  You need your space as you have a lot on your plate.  So stand up for yourself, giving in isn't working.  Good luck, Carol 

Hi 

I fully agree with Billygoatt, in that you need to take care of yourself.

Give yourself some space 

Cancer can change peoples outlook, they can become dependent, depressed and their outlook in life can change.

Domestic abuse (verbal/ emotional) is NOT acceptable.

Ask yourself. - what was he like before you got married ?

Is he so ill, that he needs taken care of or has he reverted back to a childhood state, you are his wife not his mother. If he does need intense medical care perhaps have a chat to his. doctor for support 

Also consider wether he needs to speak to his doctor about how he is feeling if he is feeling low/depressed

Hello Jen,

               cancer is not only a disease of the body,its very much one of the mind as well,you only have to read some of the posts on this site to make you realise how much fear and desperation it can inflict upon sufferers.They can no longer be the person they would choose,but become driven by invading demons in a frenzy of absolute hopeless helplessness.

                                                                                 Cancer is also a disease of the sufferers partner,in as much as they stand in the way of a barrage of mindless raging against the situation the patient hurls out.Its not necessarily directed, its just you are the one standing by their side 24/7,the one with whom they let slip their guard and reserve,comfortable in your presence, the only one who they can show the true manifestation of all their fears too.

                                                                            For men it can be about the loss of strength,unable to be the provider,subconciously driving the partner away from what they perceive to be a dying cause, and unable to stand the pain accummalating day by day, but equally unable to say that to the person as they do not want to lose the one they love, torn emotionally and no idea how to cope.

                                                                                                                                                The greatest irony is that in doing so damage what they love the most,and what could help them the most.Do l recognise what l have written,yes,did l recognise this before lt did any personal damage,yes.Thankfully l can lay bare my emotions and feelings,bring them out to the light of of day ,examine them and recognise them for what they are,and make adjustments. l am not sure that everyone has that ability,especially when stress levels have long since disappeared over the horizon.

                                   Its not an easy situation you find yourself in,and not one l feel qualified to offer advice upon,only an insight and perspective from one that faced his own demons and came out the other side intact,l truly hope you both manage to do the same,

                                                                                                       David

Cancer can be the reason some "loose it" and get very angry and agresive ... 

But it is not an excuse... if I treated any of my family , like that, I'd hope they'd turn round and leave me to it ... no one should take that ... I've had a sister with dementure .. where yes she was angry at times .. and it wasn't her , it was the dementure ... but wer a big strong family that held everyone up ..

How you can take that day after day , my heart goes out to you ... this covid makes things even harder as your probly stuck there 24 / 7 .. with no respite .. if it was me, I'd leave the room he's in, every time he " lost it"  if not go all together ... please look after you too ... these replys understand how hard it must be .. talk to McMillan .. but don't feel guilty if you have to go ... what a sad sad situation ... 

Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie x

You don't have to put up with this especially in such a young marriage - you are allowed to put yourself first.

Hi Jen

I'm sorry to hear what your going through.

My partner has cancer and I can relate to you. It's hard dealing with the mood swings and as his partner I feel my own feelings are irrelevant to him sometimes of how hard it is for us too. I do try to talk to him as I can relate where you say he doesn't want to talk about treatment etc, like I say to my partner- these aren't easy conversations to have but they are important as I I'm scared too, I'm never there when you speak to your consultant, I want to know what is going on to help and understand too- (as Covid has made everything so difficult-scans being pushed back/not being allowed to be in the hospital with him). I have now suggested that I am on the call with him next time or whether I can ask the consultant questions that I know he wants to avoid. He buries his head with the cancer in some ways and to the world makes out he's strong where I see his true mix of emotions and his fear at home. It's heartbreaking watching him being so scared but you are allowed to have a voice, as you are also going through this too emotionally. It sounds like your husband is scared and taking it out on you. Maybe as someone else mentioned on here could you stay at a friends for a few days to give yourself a break, write him a letter with some happy memories and also how your feeling now which he could read and reflect on. My friend's husband had cancer and is now clear and the best advice she gave me with how to deal with his mood swings, was to just be patient and to try not to take things personally which I know is hard but when I asked her if he had mood swings and she said yes they were awful just knowing it wasn't just me made me feel better- especially when you get told you don't understand how hard it is. Luckily I have some great friends who support me.  If your husband was a decent man before maybe it's the cancer that has caused him to react in this way. Does he get medical help? I know my partner has a psychiatrist that helps him to deal with his emotions. 

You cannot believe how happy I was to read your post!  I want to shout out, I am not the only one!  
 

i feel really evil for being so upset, he is the one that is ill, but I feel he will not help himself, he is just depressed, depressed, depressed.  
 

he won't eat, won't drink, if I try to push either he gets very cross with me.  This is his second bout and about 18 months after his first bout I heard him tell someone how hard it had been for me!  
 

now, here we are again, and I feel he just will not help himself.  The oncologist actually said I will do my best but you have to do your part too.  
 

what can I do?  

I am so sorry to hear what you are living through, when facing health difficulties or mental stress some people do change tack, and it can be incredibly hard to put up with it, and there have been times in the past when I ended up ringing the Samaritans or Womens Aid just to let off steam because I could not believe I was sitting there and taking it to the point of not eating or sleeping properly, and that was before I got cancer. Ive got a long term health condition, have had multipe surgeries for hips and feet and ankle and now mastectomy and reconstruction which is very wonky because, guess what, theres a huge malformation to my chest wall under where they operated. Your husband may be worrying about his future, and scared that if you show that you are ill, he will be unable to cope with that and his own issues.  I can only suggest this, but maybe you could talk to your own medical team and see what they suggest if they know him as well?  Relate has long waiting lists. but for now, Id be saying do what you can to keep safe first of all, get phone numbers of people like Samaitans and Womens Aid, so someone who can listen to you becomes easily accessible, they are usually accessible online too. Being ill is not an excuse for being a bully, it might explain being the centre of attention attention seeking person, but its not acceptable in a loving relationship. I really applaud you for sharing, you have already helped someone else on here who felt she was the only one dealing with partner behaviour like this, now we know there are at least three of us who get these issues cropping up. Hang in there, believe in you. look after him yes, but mutual respect should  not leave home when cancer arrives.

Is your husband on dexamethasone?  My husband is evil on these but it is a necessity.  All I will say is the same I've said to my husband. If you have the energy to be nasty, then you have the energy to pause and not say it.  X