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Husband stage 4 and I feel so isolated

Jayne151
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Hi

My husband has stage 4 bowel cancer age 50, I'm 44 and we have 3 children age 11, 8 and 7. He was diagnosed in Sept 2021 with stage 4 and told that his life would be shortened. He's doing OK with chemo which he has every 2 weeks. The most recent scan showed some new disease so they've changed his drugs and now we just have to wait and see if that works.

Our marriage wasn't great before he was diagnosed with stage 4, we never had much time for each other and if I'm honest I find his company very difficult. This was the case before the stage 4 diagnosis, I was unhappy and just focussed my attention on our children. I work full time and do everything for them, he did and does very little around the house and hardly makes any time for them and even less for me. I find this hard to understand as surely if he doesn't have much time left he should make memories with them.

Recently I've realised how unhappy I am, which sounds strange as actually I've been crying every day sometimes more than once since Sept 2021. But I now feel that my life is on hold, I'm so unhappy and I feel like my happiest days are in my past. I'm heart broken for my children, I can't protect them from what is coming. I feel like I'm letting them down.

I also worry about telling people about our personal situation. I'm trying so hard to protect my children, I want them to have as normal a childhood as possible while they can. I worry if the school mums find out then they'll keep their children away from my children, as they won't want their child to have a friend whose dad has died.  I also have discovered that I don't like people feeling sorry for me. It makes me feel like everyone else has a happier life than me. And maybe that makes me a bad person that I'm too proud to ask for help I don't know.

I went out for a drink with some of the school mums last night (first time I've been out for years!) and I realised how different their lives are to mine, planning holidays, joking about how annoying their husbands are, talking about fun family stuff. I just felt so lonely and isolated, like no one else is going through anything like this. One of them asked me about my husband and I told her he is sick and now I'm so worried they're going ti spread the news I've been trying ti hide toprotect my children.

I don't know if anyone else feels like this x

  • Offline

    I feel exactly the same. My partner is 50 and I am 46. We have been together for 14 years and never really had a loving relationship. Well from my side it was. He never took me anywhere and I always felt on my own. I had the courage to leave and when I was just about to leave he was told he had bone cancer. I felt I couldn't leave so I stayed and took care of him. He got better through chemo and a huge operation on his leg and was given the all clear. Then he was told he had it in his lungs and it was terminal. Our relationship crumbled even more. No conversation. But he still continues to go out with his friends and family. Never asks me to go. I was the one who took care of him nobody else. 

    Yes I sound selfish, but I feel like I have put my life on hold for him to still carry on and do what he wants. I cry every day and feel so so lonely. I just want to walk away from him but I am so scared. 

  • Offline in reply to Carlastar10

    I am so sorry to hear this for the both of you. As a young adult (20) whose dad has cancer. Just know you guys are doing amazing for your kids and generally as partners and just all around amazing humans. My mother is in a very similar situation. However, my parents have been divorced for many years now but she now helps me look after him. It was quite a messy divorce and they just simply didn't like eachother so my mum is in a very similar position to the both of you. She has now took a step back from caring because of the above^ and I tell her not to feel guilty about it because it's affecting her and generally isn't her life anymore. My father and I haven't been getting along great and so I feel very stuck and lonely. Like you mentioned above I feel selfish for not getting along with someone who has cancer but in black and white, I don't like what my dad is doing. The cancer and just generally has made him very selfish and mean to the people who have helped him the most, my mother and I. Your not alone and I support you too. Your not bad people for wanting something else, a better life. It's not about the cancer, it's about your unhappiness in your relationship, that's why your leaving. You can still support on the sidelines, but it doesn't need to be your life anymore. I hope your okay!

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