I'm so thankful I came across this site.  On March 29th 2017 my husband was dx with stage 4 panreatic cancer with mets to his liver.  Our happy world was immediately turned upside down.  We've been together almost 19 years, but just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary Labor Day.  We decided to renew our vows since we know it will be our last one.

We're coming around to the 1 year anniversary of his diagnosis and we're also coming around the home stretch.  My heart is so broken and I find it hard to articulate the feelings I have.  Although we've been realistic with everything, each day feels like the first time I'm hearing the news.

Mike's cancer markers started at 21,800.  He started with the 5FU (appropriately named).  His markers dropped to 1500 and the lesions on his liver became microscopic.  However, he got so sick and ended up in the hospital with a WBC of .48.  He was off chemo for 3 months because he was too weak to receive it.  It was the best 3 month ever.  We next tried the gem/abrx.  Although not as aggressive, his markers continued to decline, however the lesions grew again.

Each scan since alternates between the liver lesions tripling and then becoming microscopic.  However, for the first time, the markers are steadily incresing.  He feels his body dying and just wants the remainder of his life to be of quality.

At our last appointment the Dr. suggested trying the 5 FU agiain.  I was so aggrevated!!  His Dr. is great and has a wonderful reputation, however he's very pro treatment vs. hospice /palliative.

I questioned him as to what his goal is and at what point does he feel he's prolonging Mikes' death vs. life.   My husband is a fighter by nature and does not want to be seen as a quitter.  I know he wants to stop but won't unless the Dr. lets him know it's OK too.

He tells me what his wishes are and I'm so afraid of him dying feeling miserable rather than having the quality he wants.  Only a decision he can make though and I'll suport whatever he decides.

Im so grateful we're so open with each other about our feelings.  Sometimes I tell him I have a Groupon for a new pancreas and that am looking for one.

He's been leaving me messages on my cell phone so I'll always have his voice.  I'm so afraid of losing the messages that I bought one of those recordable teddy bears.  Now I have his messages in the bears belly and everytime I hug it, it plays his voice.  I bought 3 more for our grandchildren.

We made all of the funeral arrangment which I was grateful that he agreed to do as that was not something I wanted to do while I'm grieving.  I also wrote his eulogy.  He actually wanted to read it.  I thought for sure he would ask me to change this or that, but he just read and cried.  I thought it was very heartwarming that he got to hear his own eulogy, not something everyone gets to do.

I know I'm rambling on, but I have never felt pain like this before and can't imagine what all is said and done, how I go back to work and everyday life like things are normal.  My house will be so lonely and quiet!!!