Hi Ineedtobestrong,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis. You might be better not saying anything to the children until he gets his grading and you know his next steps.

On the whole, children don't need chapter and verse, just a simple explanation usually suffices.

If you go to the Cancer Research site you will find some information on coping with cancer, supporting children and what to tell children when someone is dying. On the whole children are very resilient. You will probably get lots of questions, after you tell them. Do your best to answer these truthfully, but simply.

You could also go to the blue banner at the top of this page and, click on search, Insert ‘telling children’ or something similar in the search box and click. You will then find a number of previous posts from people who have gone through this, which you might find helpful.

I do hope that you manage to break the news soon. Remember the stronger and more positive you are, the better you will all cope with this.

Please let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Good morning Jolamine.  Firstly thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post.  

Well upon reading advice from a few cancer support sites I took the plunge, dug deep and broke the news to my children.  Whilst they cried throughout, they took the news in a mature way.  I reassured them that I am not withholding any information and that they can ask me anything and if I can answer I will and if I can't then they're to wait and I will get the answers required.  I suggested them to visit the hospital if they wish and watch YouTube for procedures carried out to prevent them being scared- this was down to allow them some control and responsibility.   I again reassured the children "Grandad is not scared or worried" however we do need to remain hopeful and positive yet sadly sometimes people with cancer can't/don't get better no matter how hard the doctors try and how much medicine is given (in measured doeses of course) , the purpose of this is purely as death by cancer is a fact. (Sorry I hope I'm making sense sadly, I'm not very articulate) I said to my girls they can let grandad know that they know and if they want to call or text him then go for it. (My middle daughter did straight away as grandad is her hero.)  I just hope I've done the right thing and I'm guessing only time will tell.  With the scans my Dad has had, we are yet to be told what grade or stage the cancer is - at what point does the patient get made aware of this along with if the cancer is in one or both lungs as nothing specific has been said.  

Thank you so much Jolamine.

Hello there.  I am sorry about your dad's illness.  I just wanted to say I think you have handled this very wisely (with advice from Jolamine).  So often unpleasant facts are hidden from children but sooner or later they know something is wrong and that worries them.  As you have found they can deal with the facts if given in a straightforward way.    When I was caring for a terminally-ill neighbour I was impressed by the way the family all turned up with their children and no part of what the illness involved was hidden from them.    Even when he died early one morning again the whole family arrived and the children - while sad at losing their grandad - understood (and had been prepared for) what was happening.  I had a similar experience when I was about four years old - my family travelled to see my Welsh grandad who had terminal stomach cancer.  We were staying in his house and I wandered in and out of his bedroom quite happily seeing him in his final weeks - it was sad but didn't really upset me because I knew what was happening.  Even the less pleasant aspects of his illness were okay because it had been explained to me.

I should ask the doctor treating your dad about staging etc - s/he will tell you what they know and what they don't know yet.  You must be going through such  a distressing time (I lost both my parents some years ago) but are doing a sterling job of helping your children through this.  Annie

Thank you for your kind and positive response Annie.  I only read Joamines reply after I had spoken to and with my children and reflecting on it now I am proud of myself for doing it and informing them the best I can in a way their individual level of maturity can understand and cope with it.  Different ages and stages of development and schooling particularly as with my eldest undertaking her GCSE's this year.  I acted on a be honest and truthful basis to tell my children enough so they know and are well informed yet not too much whereby they leave themselves anxious and worried as their mental and emotional wellbeing is important.  As adults/parents we can easily underesunderestimate childrens resilliance and ability to understand and cope.  Exactly the way you was in terms if sad yet not upset is exactly how it like & hope for my daughters.  I cannot control how they feel so if they feel like you once did that would be lovely.  I sat with the elder two daughters this morning to check up on them to ensure that they are ok under the circumstances and then politely said  as much a Grandad has two cancers the doctors will work incredibly hard to ensure tge op or chemo gets rid of the cancer yet as we all know sometimes some don't.  As I wanted to ensure that they're not under any illusions so they are desperately sad and upset if it's terminal.  Yes, I have put a couple of questions on a postcard for my Mum to ask at the meeting as my Dad's preference is for her to alongside him not us.  Thank you for your time and support at this difficult time.  p.s sorry for waffling throughout. X

Hi Ineedtobestrong,

I am glad to hear that you have told your children, before they overhear something that they shouldn't. I am also glad to hear that they were mature about receiving this news. Sometimes it is easier to explain that 'Grandad is not very well just now and may look different than he used to', and leave the choice up to them. Do they want to see him again, or do they want to remember him as they have always known him?.

It sounds as if you have broken the news well and importantly, have left channels open for any questions. On the whole children are very resilient and, often cope better than some adults.

You say that you do not yet know what grade his cancers are. I am not a doctor, but I understand that if you have it in different organs, it has spread and, this can make treatment less successful. Your dad's care team may decide to do further tests to find out exactly where it is. Don't be afraid to ask.

I don't know what age your dad is, or how frail he is. My father-in-law was only diagnosed on Wednesday and, we have been told that it started in his gastrointestinal tract and is now widespread. They have decided not to do any invasive tests, as he is 97 and unlikely to survive them. Likewise, treatment is out of the question, because he is so frail. They have told us that he only has weeks to live. It's a lot to take in, within such a short time frame.

I am thinking of you all and, hope that you can get these answers soon.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx