Hello, I read your post with a massive sigh of relief.  Altho I have no advice for you I am keen to see replies to your post as I am in a very similar situation.  My husband has been terminally ill for over ten years and has defied all medical odds.  However, just recently the cancer has taken hold and his symptoms seem to be worsening on a weekly basis.  Having had so many near misses in the past, I am struggling to process that this time it's for real and just want some time and space away from people to allow my thoughts some freedom to breathe.  I haven't actually told many people yet as I feel totally overwhelmed by just the prospect of the deluge of sympathy and support.  I feel selfish and ungrateful for keeping people at bay as I know I have to allow them in to show they care....I'm just dreading it.  Thank you for your post, at least I know it's not just me....I know people mean well but already the constant asking how I am seems a ridiculous question at this time and it's exhausting constantly reassuring others I'm ok.  I hope you find a way of creating just a little space for yourself and a modicum of control in a situation that is way out of our control...you have my empathy and kind thoughts.

Hello Cripes

I wanted to start by saying that I'm sorry to hear about your partner's diagnosis. It sounds from your post as if you've heard those words many many times over the past few weeks and I can very much understand how exhausting this can be. 

Please don't feel that you are being selfish in needing time and space for you to process all that has happened. Life has changed for you both since this news and it's natural that you will be feeling a whole range of emotions about things. 

It can be fantastic to have such great support from family and friends but equally, it can be exhausting to have to "manage" all these other "demands" on your time and energy and it sounds from your post as if you need to put some boundaries in place to give you and your partner the time and space that you both need. 

I am sure that your friends and colleagues will understand this and wouldn't for a moment want to add to the load that you're carrying at the moment. Maybe a well-worded email to your colleagues thanking them for their support and love and explaining that you and your partner are taking a little break from visitors to allow you both to digest all that has happened and spend some quality time together, just the two of you, might help to quieten the phone and doorbell. 

It may be that you want to switch on the answerphone for a few hours or switch off the ringer altogether to allow you both to have some time in which you won't be disturbed. 

Talk to your family members and let them know that you need this space. I am sure that they will understand. And I am equally sure that when you do need them they will still be available to support you both. 

The next few weeks and months will undoubtedly be difficult at times. Your needs are important just as your partner's needs are important so don't be afraid to ask for what you need, even if that is space for the moment. People will understand. 

Sending you both my very best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator

Hi,

I can fully understand how you feel. It's wonderful that everyone cares so much but it's difficult finding the time to just share quality time with your partner and to also have time to take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally.

A friend of mine had a similar problem, especially in the last days when in a hospice. She, her husband and young children were finding it hard to share quality time because of numerous visitors. So they asked a close friend if they would be the point of contact for all the enquiries regarding visits. Everyone understood and was happy with this and the friend felt they were helping, organising visits and keeping them to a minimum so that the family weren't swamped. I hope you have someone that would be happy to take on this important role and leave you free to breathe, recharge and share memories together without a constant stream of well intentioned visitors.

xx

It sounds terrible but I am so glad that I m not alone in this. The pragmatic side of me feels that most of these visitors will drift away and that there will be many times when I wish there were more of them, but right now I just need to find a balance.

And hats off to you, I have only been doing this "dance" for a few days, you have coped with ten years!

Every best wish to you both x

Thank you

That is a really practical and helpful suggestion!

It's been days rather than weeks, perhaps that's why it feels so overwhelming. Weeks of kind enquiries and keeping people updated as we went through all the tests, hospital stays etc, but since getting the actual diagnosis it feels like there has hardly been a minute to just sit and process.

Thank you for your very practical and helpful suggestions 

My Mum has terminal lung cancer, diagnosis and being told there is no treatment available has all happened in the last 6 weeks or so & I have moved into her house to look after her (I still work full time but at home).  Because I’m still working, I needed to put a plan in place from day 1, so I got an appointment book & the first time anyone dropped in or phoned in advance about a visit, I explained that Mum gets tired quickly so I am limiting visitors to one in a morning and one in the afternoon - no visits in the evening.  As time has gone on, visiting slots are down to one a day.  They are welcome to put their own name in the book when they come to schedule their next visit & if I think Mum needs a good rest, I put ‘Keep Free’ on some days.  It has worked well for us & I have found everyone is respecting the process.  It has also allowed us some much needed time alone.  I hope something similar could perhaps work for you.  Sending love at this terrible time x

Only just seen this but wanted to thank you. I have been trying to book/ schedule visitors and it seems to be working. It has been a bumpy ride over the past few months, with repeated infections and hospitalisations but on the plus side, the chemo is working and we made it to Christmas which was not a given. And, against my expectations, there are still people who take the time to keep touch or come and visit and that is nice. I have got quite good at the "I'm sorry he is very tired today so just half an hour" routine but there are also days when he seems up for a houseful of visitors and those days are blessings x

Pleased the idea helped & that you managed to have Christmas together & that he is still managing to enjoy a houseful which must be lovely.  Sadly, my Mum passed away on 4th November but I know her final weeks were as she wanted them so that is comforting. Take care of yourself, it is an exhausting time & not just for the one who has the illness x

I am so very sorry for your loss  but lovely to hear that her last weeks were good ones. Take care of yourself xx