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How to go on

14 Sep 2021 08:49 in response to Maria21

Don't beat yourself up about your friend, I was in the same situation some years ago. The fact that she is reaching out to you now tells me that she is a good friend and understands, friends like that are pure gold. 

You are not useless to anyone, you are struggling with the hardest experiences that anyone can go through and grieving the loss of your beloved brother. You are also reaching out for help on this forum and that is braver than you know. 
 

Keep remembering those times of love and laughter, if only we had a time machine and could go back and burn those times in to our memories.
 

Take care of yourself today x
 

 

How to go on

14 Sep 2021 09:12 in response to NikkiL

I think I will eventually push those friends away. They can only stick around for so long I won't be me again for a long while.

And then my partner said that he's been Feeling ill and is trying to get in at the doctors, now everything makes me worry. 

I forget the date until someone said the funeral is on Monday. I just want to run and keep running.

You too xx

 

How to go on

14 Sep 2021 14:25 in response to Maria21

The foundations of your world have been rocked and that makes you feel as though you are going to lose everyone you love. When something so awful happens to our loved ones we no longer have trust and confidence in anything being safe anymore. 
It's good that your partner is going to the doctors rather than ignoring it. Although there are lots of viruses doing the rounds at the moment and we know what kids are like for bringing the bugs home !

Monday will be hard, my brother's funeral is a bit of a blur to be honest. I woke up with a really bad migraine on the day which was most definitely down to stress. I can remember pulling up to the crematorium and not being able to look anyone in the eye because I would have broken down. My youngest daughter was 12 at the time and I held her hand the whole way through, as much to give me strength as it was to comfort her. 
I felt it was my duty to my brother so say goodbye, he deserved that and so much more. I couldn't make him better so the very least I could do was to say a last farewell. Keeping that thought in my head got me through that day x

How to go on

14 Sep 2021 14:39 in response to NikkiL

I constantly feel sick.

I defo won't be able to look anyone in the eyes. My youngest is 9 and we have yet to tell him. I can't face that, but I don't want him knowing the day before. And then how am I supposed to even smile the day after on my birthday? What did you do on the first birthday after etc?

How to go on

14 Sep 2021 17:27 in response to Maria21

My brother's birthday was the day before mine, he was born hours before my 7th birthday so that complicated things for me. We were also in lockdown so his first birthday after he passed away we couldn't even get together as a family. Just a very quiet day with many tears as the anniversary of his death was also approaching. I kept the last birthday card he sent me as he was already in a hospice by that time and I will bring that card out and display it with the rest of my birthday cards every year. But birthdays will never be the same again, none of us will ever be the same again.
 

As for telling your son, they are far more resilient than we think they are. I'm firmly of the belief that you should be open and honest with them as they often pick up on things anyway and they worry about what's going on. But you know your son best and only you and your partner know the best way to deal with this. I kept school up to date with events as well as sometimes they can offer support if it's needed.

How to go on

14 Sep 2021 20:11 in response to NikkiL

Yes, I think children are resilient  too, we are speaking to him soon and thas a good idea to inform the school.

We were close in age too,  six years between us. I bet it was horrible in lockdown. The first time my brother was in hospital having surgery, no one could be with him. I have many birthday cards from my brother, so I might do the same and put one out from him on my bday too xx

How to go on

19 Sep 2021 11:49 in response to Maria21

Hi Maria21,

yes grieving in lockdown was very strange, although in a way it gave us time to process a few things without outside pressures. I walked most days as it gave me time to think. It was a blessing that we didn't have to deal with my brother's illness during the pandemic as one of us was always with him when he was in hospital and we were also able to stay overnight with him in the hospice which comforted him.

Anyway I just wanted to check in with you and let you know I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow. 
 

Take care xx
 

 

How to go on

19 Sep 2021 17:12 in response to NikkiL

Hi NikkiL,

thank you so much, that's so kind of you. I'm trying not to think of the details tomorrow, beause I don't know how i'll make it. 

That's nice that someone could always be with your brother. My mum and i were with my brother in the last couple of days, as he deteriorated so fast. It's the guilt i'm feeling now. Like he tried to tell mum he hasn't got long,in so many words, but we were in denial and I wasn't with him to comfort him, when he was doing well.. I know he wouldn't have wanted me to ,because he said he didn't want a pity party. But i'm thinking that I could have been there more when he was more aware, not just when he was dosed up on morphine..I just really thought he wasn't going so soon.I don't think ill get over it. I'm pushing my mum away now, because i want to be alone, or i'm going on walks with my friend and mum joins us. Obviously I don't want her to be alone either, but she doesn't go for walks with her friends and also she likes to talk about my brother and i can't yet.Sorry for the ramble, its all come out 

Thanks for checking in xxx

How to go on

19 Sep 2021 18:49 in response to Maria21

Don't be sorry, you can ramble on here as much as you like because just putting all your feelings down can help sometimes. 
It's incredibly hard to accept that a loved one is dying and you can do nothing but stand and watch it happen. It's even more hard when they are younger than you because that's not the way it's supposed to happen. It must be even more so when it's your child even though they are an adult. 

Your brother knew you loved him and that is all that matters.


Just let your Mum know how you feel, I'm sure she will understand. Being close to you is probably a great comfort to her right now and she probably feels as lost as you do. I remember desperately needing to do something/anything to keep busy but not always knowing what that something was. Between you and your Mum you will find a balance that will help you both.

Sending you love, hugs and strength xx