Hello, it's such a hard time for everyone when it's like this.  My Dad lived in Southampton and were in County Durham and many a time I was telephoned and told its nearly over, come down, only to drop everything, leaving my family at home, trying to get off work etc. get there and like your Dad he had recovered a little and I went home never knowing what was happening.  So really you are doing all you can and parents know this, we don't blame you for not being there as we don't want to make things worse.  I'm dealing with a husband who has stage 4 lung cancer and both our girls live hundreds of miles away but never have I thought for one moment that they should do more, they are doing what they can.  So don't feel guilty, life goes on and we cope the best we can.  Thinking of you and your family,  Carol x

Thank You :)

Thats exactly what My Mum says - shes more worried about me losing my job (they have been fantastic with me to be honest and I cant fault them for that) but when I am there I feel helpless. He has Palliative Care, other carers as well as someone staying the night every other night to give my Mum a break. He has the best help available at the moment.

I send you strength and love to help you get through this as well 

Hi Cazzawhiits. I am in the same boat. 3 hours away. I go as much as I can, but winter colds are keeping me away sometimes as so scared about passing on germs. Went this weekend after missing 3 due to illness. The deterioration was quite visible. I do everything I can when I am there, and feel awful when I have to leave. I have 2 sisters who are close by and an amazing stepdad who are always there for Mum. We also have Hospice at Home going in to help with personal care and to take the weight off. My Mum has 3 syringe drivers (greedy, I know) to control her symptoms. The worst of her discomfort is the pain in her backside from pressure ulcer on tailbone. Now has hospital bed (this week) at home so hopefully that will help. She continues to smile and laugh. Precious moments. But it is hard to see her struggle. Thoughts are with you x

Hello, my mum has been battling cancer over a year now and she phoned me the other day to say the doctors said it could be only weeks left. I am in the same position where because I am not confident driving to new places I have to take a train which takes just over 4 hours. I am going this weekend and am already feeling guilty that I am not there helping my dad. At times like this I wish I lived much closer. 

I am glad I found this chat group as you realise you are not alone and everyone is experiencing the same guilt and problems.

Jo xx

Hi everyone. Hope you're all doing OK. Yesterday I got a call from my sister saying my mum has been in a lot of pain. She is getting married on a quick license, and my sister told me the wedding has been brought forward a day (happening tomorrow). So I just dropped everything and came. All I could think was wtf am I doing at work? I need to be there. So I plan to stay until the inevitable happens. Work have been great. They're not expecting me back til new year. The wedding, although lovely, is a little stressful. Apparently there will be quite a few people popping in over the weekend. Had to go buy a load of nibbles and got a cake made to entertain everyone. Entertaining is the last thing I feel like. My mum will be upstairs whilst all this is going on, and people will pop up to see her. All I want is to spend precious time with mum as do my sisters but we feel it is out of our control. Hopefully it will go better than we think.

Jog72 and Oasis - spend as much time as you can with them ..... as you say they are precious moments....... 

I went back through on the Tuesday and decided to stay as long as it took - in a way I am glad I did as it was the last day that Dad was actually responsive in any way. The last time he had any food was the day before and that was just a bit of porridge. On the Wednesday they stopped any liquids as well as he was unable to swallow and they feared he may choke if it went the wrong way. The MCC had got into his throat so he had lost his voice but was managing a thumbs up if everything was ok The Hospice at Home were amazing and we managed to get a sitter in for the nights to give Mam a bit of a break as she was still being woken at night.

On Wednesday afternoon he fell asleep and was unresposive after that .... we thought we had lost him on Thursday night but he settled back again. The deterioration was visible every day which surprised me. 

On the Saturday night (7th) there was no sitter available so I spent the night awake and checking him every 30 mins.... He was fine for the night and at 830am Mam told me to go and sleep for a while. 2 hours later she woke me saying his breathing had changed and the District Nurse had said he didnt have long.  I had my hand on his stomach as that was the only way I could feel his heart beat. Mam was holding his hand. Within 5 minutes of me being woken he was gone :( My brother and sister missed it by 10 minutes ... thats how quick it was.

I stayed another 4 days and then came home - I feel numb - I want to cry but I cant and if I do it isnt for long. Is that normal? I dont know  what is supposed to happen..... 

Hello Cazzawhits, just wanted to say so sorry for your loss. The numbness, wanting to cry, wondering if you could have done more, maybe even resentment of your sister wanting to get married while your Dad was still there, not knowing if you put work first when you shouldn't and all those things are all part of the grief. I found that I needed to just let those feelings wash over me like a wave. But there will be a time when the tears come, possibly unexpectedly and at the "wrong" time. That's part of it too....