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How does everyone cope?

2 Jan 2018 13:52

Hi all,

As horrible as all this is, it's great to find somewhere where I don't feel like I'm the only one going through all this.

My Mum was diagnosed with bowel, lung and liver cancer a few months back and we are currently waiting on the first CT scan since the beginning of her treatment. I haven't a clue what to expect which is really frustrating considering I'm the ultimate control freak.

I've figured ultimately it's not going to be great but my gosh this is all so head melting Cry 

Basically I'm just wondering how do ye all deal with your parents moods. I didn't really know my mum until the last 3/4 years and now I am one of the main people in her life so when I spend a lot of time with her she takes her anger out on me and when I try to limit my time with her she makes me feel bad for it.

There are so many questions and issues that I have unanswered and at this stage it's a case of trying to just let it be and take every day as it comes.

 

Re: How does everyone cope?

2 Jan 2018 14:36 in response to positivityiskey

Hello.  Sorry about your mum's illness.  You don't say how old she is or whether she has just become angry since her diagnosis (some people have angry tendencies at all times whether healthy or not).  I think if you are going to try to be by your mum's side you need to have a bit of a frank (not nasty) discussion about what is making her take anger out on you and what you can do to help her.  Sick people can be angry for a variety of reasons; in my personal experience these can include pain, fear, loss of control over what is happening to them just to name a few.    Will she discuss her illness with you?  Or give permission for her doctor to give you information (she may not want to do this especially if you are a self-confessed control freak who might try to take over what is being done).  You are going to need to be patient but don't push yourself too hard as that will not be to anyone's benefit. I know I am not giving any really useful advice but I think you are going to have to play it by ear and see how you are both coping.  You should make use of any support from friends and family also as it may be difficult for you.  I am pretty sure others more knowledgeable than myself will pop in here to have a chat.  I hope things go well with your mum's treatment.

Re: How does everyone cope?

2 Jan 2018 15:26 in response to positivityiskey

Hi there ... Bless ya heart, it must be so making you so sad and a wee bit angry too, which is only natural and the bravest people have these feelings too, so your defiantly not on your own ... 

I can understand why your mum feels so angry, but that is not an excuse to take it out on you ... if it were me I would gently leave when she's doing that, and hopefully she may come to realise you stay longer when she's calmer .... 

You have to be kind to yourself now, and know it's the cancer, that she's probably angry at but you get the tough end of it ... so if you can let it go over your head, because it will get overwhelming and your health will suffer if you keep taking it ... sometimes tough love does work, with gentle words said  but firmly put your heart and feelings first for a change ... you sound amazing and if I had a daughter like you I'd be so proud of her ... sending you a big virtual hug ... your braver then you realise ... Chrissie xx 

Re: How does everyone cope?

2 Jan 2018 15:48 in response to positivityiskey

Hi sorry hear of your mum .I am 60 and was diagnosed august with bowel cancer scans reveal spread to liver and nodules on lungs .me and hubby were devastated.but we try to be positive telling our children was extremely difficult my daughter eldest didn't believe it because I still looked well then .once you get treatment plan you may feel easier not knowing is awful as is waiting.my tumour in liver is more serious than bowel and had grown right next main blood vessel so was not safe to operate.so chemotherapy was plan 3 months to hope shrink 50 % .then operate then more chemotherapy then operate on bowel not know if need bag .we try deal with just little bits .we have had some good times chemo is not nice but manageable but I have just got virus and it's knocked me 6 staying in bed .this is lot take in . McMillan have been good they advised when start claim for things and help you .I was still working when diagnosed .try stay strong 

Re: How does everyone cope?

2 Jan 2018 17:34 in response to positivityiskey

Hi @Annieliz @Chriss @tigercub ‍ 

Thank you so much for your replies. My Mum has just turned 50 (celebrated with an over night spa stay away mind you!). In general she seems to be an overall negative person which I struggle with as personal issues has made me try to see the positve in any situation faced. However she doesn't seem to realise that is my intention and she gets frustrated when I try to shine a light on something and don't just allow her to complain and give out. I've learnt to just allow her say what she wants and not have an opinion on it. I'm putting that down to not actually knowing her for a long period of time and that the diagnosis has just made that side of her personality more prominant.

On the chemo side of things, she's currently going into her 7th FOLFOX treatment while awaiting a CT scan (backlog) but ultimately has not had much side effects which leaves me wondering whether it has been having any impact on the cancer. She's a slight little thing but has been looking after heself well, it's all so baffling though and as I'm sure many people here are in the same place, I don't know much about Cancer or what to expect. One thing I have found is that no diagnosis is the same and it completely depends on the person. 

She won't allow me to speak to her doctor as she is happy knowing things from day to day and I've to respect her choice. She can see my frustration but it's her that is ultimately going through this. I'm there for chemo days and I went to her initial diagnosis with her consultant but other than that she doesn't want me to be in any oncology meetings. I really want to be there for her as much as I can but it can be so hard to know what the right thing to do for her is. 

Re: How does everyone cope?

2 Jan 2018 22:34 in response to positivityiskey

Im very proud of you, and if you keep doing what your heart tells you, you wont go far wrong ... while taking the rants with a pinch of salt, like you seem to be doing ... life and cancer can be very confusing but as long as you can step back and look at the whole picture, you'll get through ...sounds like she needs to make some disisions on her own ... sounds like your comming to terms with that, and once she feels able, she may just let you in to support them 

Wer always here to offer a shoulder, if you need it any time ... you can do this ... you are amazing and you keep telling yourself that on difficult times ... Chrissie xx