Hi there ...

So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... it's one of the hardest things we will ever go through...  but unfortunately no one can tell you for sure... I used to work in a care home .. and always remember saying good bye to a lady, who was only sipping water and sleeping 23 hours a day .. as I had a couple of days off .. held her hand , and then when I came back, she was sitting up smiling , but the chap a couple of doors down who looked fine, had gone ... 

So all you can do, is take it a day at a time ... and take things as and when they come up .. they usually can give you an average .. but that's what it is an average... 

Sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie xx

Hi Sarah,

Gosh reading you post was like reading my own experience. I lost my mum to metastatic lung cancer on 3rd October. She was diagnosed with a tumour on her lung which had spread to her lymph nodes. She was given 5 fractions of radiotherapy as she had a spinal compression before being moved to our local Marie Curie Hospice. My mum lasted 9 days in the hospice before she passed. I think she was waiting to be in the comfort of the hospice before she could let herself go, if that makes sense?

She too was on antibiotics for a chest infection but deteriorated fairly quickly and was then put on a driver for round the clock pain relief. She was admitted on the Tuesday to a shared ward with the aim of having physio to try and get her sitting up to eat and drink (having a spinal compression meant she had to lay fairly straight in bed which made eating and drinking fairly difficult) but by the Saturday, it was obvious she was going down hill and was moved into a private room. She was still taking her pain medication orally up until the following Tuesday but after then, she stopped eating and could only manage sips of water so it’s was decided that she was to be put on a driver Tuesday night. 

She went to sleep Wednesday morning and didn’t wake up again, passing away just after midday on the Thursday. We were told by the doctor looking after her that her deterioration was quick but saying that, even they couldn’t have set a timeframe. I knew she didn’t have long as she had started getting breathless and couldn’t speak for long but talking to other families within the hospice, I got the idea that the active stage of dying can vary in duration. My mum’s active stage was around 36 hours whereas the lady in the room next to my mum has been actively dying for over 3 days before she passed.

There is no set time and although dying usually follows a similar path, there is no real way to know how long they have left. All I can say is spend as much time with her as possible and talk to her even when she’s sleeping, tell her everything, what she needs to know, what is on your mind, comforting words, etc. My brother and I were fortunate to be able to sleep over at the hospice so one of us was always with her. My mum died peacefully with me holding her and it was the most beautiful moment, she saw me in to this world and I saw her out

If you would like to talk to me about absolutely anything, please send me a message.

Best wishes,  Beth x x

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'll tell you how it happened for us.  My mum was admitted to hospital with a severe chest infection and fluid on the lungs.  After further tests it was diagnosed she had metastasised lung cancer with a week left to live we had no idea she had cancer and neither did she, they told us this  On the Saturday and she was sitting up eating a little and drinking and taking her meds orally. By Sunday she didn't eat anymore or drink. She slept quite a bit but could still speak in just one words. She was unbelievably weak and couldn't lift her hands to drink not that she wanted it. On Monday I decided I was going to start staying over with her but when I arrived at the hospital she had deteriorated and was not waking up at all. The dr said she had less than 24 hours. That was at 11am I arrived. She woke briefly at about 4pm when her sister arrived who had not yet been to see her.  They hugged.  I asked mum if she would like me to play some music and she nodded. That was her last communication.  She died at 9pm.  It seems. They really do stop eating and drinking. They sleep more. They will probably stop the antibiotics if she doesn't respond to them. Then it will be pain management. I know the feeling of limbo. You never want them to leave you but you can't bear what you are witnessing and want them to stop suffering quickly.  Spend as much time as possible and tell her everything you need to.  It happened quickly for us. I wish I had stayed overnight with her the two previous nights. But were told we would need our rest for the end of the week when she would pass. Which she never made it too. But I too was with her on her final day all day. Telling her everything I needed to say. Playing music and holding her hand and keeping her comfortable its heart breaking but a privilege 

Hi my girl friends mum is 92 she hasn't been out of bed for 3 days I've never experienced  this  before  her mum is now being put on a syringe driver  I dont know what to do or say for the best I know shes upset and holding it all in what can I do to help

Hi hate to say this but when the syringe driver goes in normally is an indication that it could be 24/48 hours sorry xx

Well we are still here. Thank you for all your messages. 
 

it's so hard, one day the doctors are saying it could be in the next 24 hours and then another time they're saying it could be a week. I'm off work being with her, I did a couple of mornings this week but then got called up. It's so hard watching the suffering and not knowing how it's going to go. 
 

Is it awful that I just want it all over? 

hello, 

its only natural to want her suffering to end, she will know when the time is right to go.. 

i told my dad it was ok to go if he wanted, i also said it was ok for him to stay also and that i would be here until he decided it was time, he said ok and smiled he passed that night in his sleep 

i wanted him suffering to end also so fully understand the way you are feeling 

Hi so sorry to hear all your "posts" I'm in a similar situation. My Dad was taken into hospital on the 10th for the 4th time with another chest infection...By the Sunday his temperature was normal. He has lung, liver, kidney cancer and spread to lymph nodes, and posibly in his bones...he hasn't had chemo for months and August was decided no more radiotherapy and no more treatment.

He wants to go into the hospice but there are no beds. He's depressed, he's not wanting visitors, he's turned his phone off...he's in pain. He says he's not sleeping although all he wants to do is sleep and he's a sleep more than awake when we are with him. So I think he's sleeping more. He has 6 lots or orimorf by mouth. He's not eating and definitely hasn't for 10 days maybe longer and is drinking very little. He has a catheter and nappies, although as he hasn't eaten there's been no waste. He's bed bound, he can no longer walk, sitting is uncomfortable and can't raise his upper body.

He's going home Monday with a bed and carers in place 4times a day. He isn't in cancer care or end of life care, just an ordinary ward and nobody can advise.

I think this is it..I live 700 miles away and due to go home Tuesday. I don't know what to do?.I'm needed home as have resonsibilities home and this is the 2nd time I've been down. 

1 Dr said 3mnths I really can't see it,and we were told that 2 mnths ago. Am concerned that it's already 10 days without food although he takes the odd sip of the forticips nutrient drinks. I feel it wont be long though still think it will be more than 3days. As although he's deteriated and fast he's been pretty much stable the last 5days.

If a week I could posibly stay and cancel my flights. But if still 2weeks or more I probably can't.  Not that I don't want to but my family comitments and personal comitments won't allow as I have livestock that need attending to.

 So my dilema is I can go home on Tuesday and come back a few days later but would I be too late.

I'm a mess as really don't know what to do, it's so difficult living so far away... :-(

I do want to be here for him and my sister but it's the not knowing. We are both finding it hard and strangely we are both sleeping a lot..like others have said we want it just over, for Dad's sake, but then we feel horrible for thinking and saying it....

So my fighter of a mother passed away on Tuesday after a brave 13 days in the prospect. 
 

Does anyone have any advice for the days following? I found it a really harrowing experience seeing her deteriorate. And I was with her when she died, and I know lots of people talk about people going peacefully but I didn't find it peaceful and I am carrying it with me a bit now. Finding myself quite anxious and chest pains following 2 weeks of intense stress. 
 

My fiancé was with me when my Mum passed and I know he's suffering with bad dreams and some flashbacks to her death. Any advice? 

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry for your loss. Its mentally n physically draining been with a close family member and watching them going through pain n determination. The waiting process its self is enough to effect anyone  then of course your very upset   you have just lost someone who you love very much.   I am supposing this is the first time you have had such an experience and that can also be harrowing.  Theres no right or wrong way now for the way your feeling, and I'm sorry to say its totally natural.  The best advice i can give you is dont be hard on yourself, you now need time to process and grieve.  Look after yourself, make sure your eating well, try and stay away from drink as that's a depressant.  Maybe take yourself and your fella off to the doctor he could prescribe something to calm you, help you rest n sleep. And most importantly talk, talk to your other half, friends and family if need be but it's very early days you could see a grief councillor they are very good.   Check out the nett too on ways of coping but yet again everyone's so different.  The main thing is to talk n to take care of yourself but resting you've just been through a very very upsetting and stressful time you need time to adjust.   Big hugs to you. Xx