Together we will beat cancer


How do I cope with the loss of my mum

14 Jan 2020 21:27

ive never written anything online before and after reading a few posts on this site I feel I want to share my feelings... I lost my mum just over 3 months ago, the build up to her death was one of the most horrific things I’ve ever gone through. Her strength through 3 separate battles with this cruel disease was breath taking  and a strength I know I haven’t inherited, when I asked “how am I going to cope” my mums reply was “ cry your tears and get on with it” 

The fight to get palliative care towards the end of her life nearly broke me, I was cutting through red tape daily and trying to fulfil her wish of being at home in the last days, she was failed by the system and any help we got was to little to late and the wrong package...she needed hospice at home care, she got meals on wheels and a carer once a day who couldn’t even help lift her bed position because of health and safety ... I had to do personal things that a son should never have to do for his mother, the indignity on both parts was not how her last days should of been spent... even though I would do anything for her. Her last days were spent in hospital after complications occurred... I feel like I failed her last wishes of life, and now after her passing I’m surrounded by the life memories left behind and more legal processes to sort out, when all I want to do is curl up and cry... I made a promise to her I wouldn’t fall apart and I would live the life she gave me, but those are easy words to say, but harder words to honour...I can’t believe how many emotions are smashing their way into my life, her funeral is a blur, I as most people who are writing their stories feel broken, I used to be the go to guy when people were upset and now I have close to zero tolerance for any negative news because grief has claimed my heart... anyway I could write a book of sadness here so I’ll conclude.. thank you for reading 

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

14 Jan 2020 22:33 in response to Andy25

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your lose. It's all so very fresh for you, all I can really say is don't try and fight your feelings, you need to procees them, however painful they feel. There is no right way. 
your mum wants you to find happiness in life again and that will come, but first you need to feel what ever you need to feel. Be kind to yourself.

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

14 Jan 2020 23:30 in response to Andy25

Hi Andy I read your post feeling so sad for you. I lost my Dad in 2018 and it was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. My Dad, like your Mum, would never have wanted any of his loved ones to feel as broken as I did and admittedly sometimes still do when I'm having an off day, All I can say is that I feel we are really very lucky to have had such amazing parents and, even though you don't feel like it now, it does get a little easier bit by bit. Her strength lives on in you. You'll have Good days and bad days.Go easy on yourself. Take care.

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

15 Jan 2020 00:33 in response to Andy25

I am so sorry to read your post and in particular identify with the words "grief has claimed my heart". My daughter died 2 weeks ago on Christmas eve aged just 37 and I  feel so lost. What a cruel disease this is. 

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

15 Jan 2020 02:09 in response to Andy25


I'm so sorry Sad

I lost my Mum to cancer when I was 25. She had been ill for 4 years so I get what you are talking about personal care-wise etc although obviously it's easier for a daughter to assist her Mum with those things...

You took the best care of your Mum in the circumstances that were absolutely beyond your control and that nobody could have prepared you for. It's not something we are taught at school.

No person should go through it. No parent and no child. Everyone deserves a good and peaceful and not a premature death. But sadly we don't live in an ideal world and some of us will have to cope with more than  others. If it's any consolation, now, many years after, I can say going though all that has made me stronger and better as a person. I have a perspective in life and I know my priorities. So I'd like to think that if I've learnt something from it, then my Mum would be happy. I hope it will work out like that or in some other way for you too, so that you can find peace x

They say grief takes 5 years but it took much longer for me. You will go through stages of anger, sadness, denial etc. You need to allow yourself to feel emotions however raw. It won't be pretty but it's the only way for the wound to heal over time. There will always be a scar but maybe not so painful x 

I'd suggest seeking counselling. There are charities out there that help and maybe your GP could too. You cannot and should not be without professional help now. 

Be kind to yourself and treat yourself well. Your Mum would like you to do that x 

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

16 Jan 2020 00:30 in response to Andy25

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum she sounds like an amazing lady! 

The way we step up for our parents at the end is almost like role reversal & I know from my own experience I was not ready either. Sounds like you acted out of pure love for your Mum & although you were thrown so many obstacles you got through them & are here telling your story. 

I can't imagine how proud she must be of you & to me it sounds like you definitely have inherited her strength you are just heartbroken right now & that's totally understandable & normal way to feel after all you've been through.

i hope you can focus on all the wonderful things you did for your Mum & how proud she would of been of you for doing them & loving her that much. 

god bless your mum & god bless you too

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

17 Jan 2020 02:24 in response to Andy25

Hi I’m sorry for your loss I’ve lost a parent too my Dad so I know exactly what your going through at first it is so raw and you can’t do anything I couldn’t eat or even pull myself together to even get dressed in the mornings you will never forget your mum and you did all you could like I did for my dad but I didn’t have any warning drs didn’t know he had cancer they mis diagnosed him for anti colag something to do with his blood they put him on wafting and my dad was dead within 5 weeks 

I want to tell you something if I may dying isn’t the end yes our loved ones have died and it is said I still cry over my dad now because of the way he died and I didn’t have enough time with him because he went into hospital the same day saying he couldn’t breathe I called the ambulance 

have you ever heard of a Near Death Experience I’m just one of many who have had the opportunity to have one so I know your mum is ok as I died at the age of 8 years old and I lifted out of my body and my whole life flashed in front of me I even so myself as a embryo and then a ping sound I was travelling down a tunnel and I was being drawn to a light and then I was at gates beyond the gates were these beautiful colours and a garden and I said to the light this is paradise I want to stay the light said no go back it’s not your time so of course god sent me back why I had that near death experience is because I didn’t believe in god even at age 8 ad I was born with a disability and because of the disability I thought there can’t be a god I don’t understand why some people have disability s and some don’t why some people have cancer and some don’t all I know is yes I do get very upset when my family dies as I’ve lost my Dad and A Aunt to Cancer and I’m going to lose another aunt now to cancer she’s in a hospice now and has maybe 2 weeks to live so I’m still going through grief once again because of this terrible disease called cancer so I thought I would share my personal experiences with you knowing that your mum is now healthy and looking over you she’s fine the emotions of the dead are not there as all the pain and hurt are taken away we are the ones who have to carry on with life and know that they are ok take care you have to live Day by day and you will get stronger I promise you take care from Karen Amanda 

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

17 Jan 2020 14:33 in response to Andy25

Hi I'm younger than 16 and I lost my mum too just this Wednesday I'm in so much pain and I can't believe cancer got to her that quickly I know it hurts I just don't know who to speak to and I haven't stopped crying it hurts my insides so much I hate everything I see it reminds me of her and it puts me in more pain I know how you can feel 

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

17 Jan 2020 14:34 in response to Andy25

I'm so sorry for your loss

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

17 Jan 2020 14:52 in response to VictoriaL
Hi Victoria, I’m also sorry for your loss, I’m not the best at giving advice but I can relate and imagine how you are feeling especially at your age.. I really don’t think grief separates itself in age groups it is the same feeling for anyone with a heart... your doing the right thing by talking about your feelings, wether it be on here or to someone who understands, the pain is real, it lets you know your human that’s for sure... I wish you the best

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

17 Jan 2020 17:03 in response to Andy25

Thank you same with you I'm even trying to move on it's been two days I just know my mum wouldn't want me to be upset and you know she lived her life everyone goes some point just some sooner I hope you know you were loved by your lost one and know that we all go one day it's hard but you know if she went later it may be more difficult if you were older it could effect our future health way more so we're lucky and their not in pain jm so sorry though it must be hard 

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

17 Jan 2020 21:44 in response to VictoriaL

I understand the wanting to move on & live your life, honouring the life your mum gave you, I too in the first few days did things I never would do normally because life is too short etc... then as her funeral came and went the reality became more apparent, three months on and the days when emotions land on my lap with no warning are more frequent and I need to seek help from friends and family... I know every person is different and there is no book on your own personal process.... my friend told me about a guy on you tube... I put in sadhguru and grieving and up popped a man with a comforting voice and wise words... any help is better than no help... please take care of yourself because life doesn’t stop and not everyone can see your hurt... the fact so many people are using this service so kindly provided by cancer research proves we all need to talk and if one bit of shared advice makes a difference to your thinking process I couldn’t be more thankful. 

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

17 Jan 2020 22:00 in response to Barnesv50

Sorry for your loss doesn’t seem like the right thing to say after reading your post... because sorry don’t cover it... I can’t imagine what you are going through, Losing a parent is a tough path, losing your child is incomprehensible to me, I can only say from my heart, that feeling lost I imagine is pure shock... please seek the help you need and this is coming from a person who has battled with p.t.s.d I feel I’m qualified to say that, when my world caved in, the help I received helped re build me... hence writing my mums story and my experience is part of me trying to re build after losing her... please take the very best care 

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

17 Jan 2020 22:27 in response to Amanda63

Hi karen.. thank you for sharing your experience with me.. I have never been a religious person but I never turn my back on anyone’s beliefs... I have a spiritual feeling my mum is watching me as I always say hello mum whenever I see a robin, I appreciate you taking the time out of your life to try and help mine... please take the very best of care 

How do I cope with the loss of my mum

17 Jan 2020 22:41 in response to eva_joanna

Hi Eva and I too am sorry for your loss... thank you for your kind advice... I never knew so many people would reply to me.. I’m humbled by the honesty and true feeling employed by everyone on this forum... 

The words of your own reflection I will take on board and please know that when you wrote them you helped and in this day and age that is a rare commodity so again I thank you

please take the very best of care