My dad has terminal cancer & has come home to die today ! He has had a rough 4 months since his diagnosis & his decline has been rapid numerous hospital visits and blood transfusions but he has decided that enough is enough . I used to be a carer myself so have some concept of caring but my mum & a care agency staff and the palative care team will be our main source of support I feel bad as I can't be there all the time I work full time & have just had a week off to help my Mum get the house ready for him coming home &;liased with cate workers my hubby has been a diamond running us about .. my mum is 80 years old & heartbroken as o am * how can I support her more as I feel bad today as I've been at home resting but have spoke to her numerous times today * I live about 30 mins drive away is there anything else I can do !
Hello butterfly22. Welcome; and sorry to read about your dad. Nothing in your previous life prepares you for the loss of a parent and how it will affect you. You are just thrown into it and have to find a way through it. And that is just the emotional side; you of course are having to learn quickly how to help with his care and all that goes with it. You and your mum need to have a chat about what would be really helpful and manageable for you. Also both of you need to chat with the other people who are going to be caring for your dad so everyone knows what is happening and who is doing what. It won't be easy - when my dad was dying I was working full time and was driving 300 miles each way to be with him at weekends. I am not suggesting you do the equivalent just to say it may well be hard but this is something you have to get right! Your mum will need your help both emotionally and physically Best wishes. Annie
First of all let me extend a very warm welcome to Cancer Chat.
I am so sorry to hear about your dad’s prognosis. Is it just your mum and the carers or do you have any family or friends who can support you through this? Annieliz is right. This is a particularly hard part of the cancer journey. The fact that you have been a carer will give you some idea of what lies ahead, but you will find the emotional side is a difficult one to cope with.
If your dad was only diagnosed 4 months ago, you haven’t had much time to come to terms with all that has happened. Your dad has shown great strength of character by deciding that enough is enough as far as treatment is concerned. At 80 years old, I presume that they have been together for a long time and your mum will probably need as much support as your dad just now. I lost both of my parents to cancer when I was a lot younger and had family and work commitments to juggle with as well as looking after them.
It is not easy, but any support you can give them will be greatly appreciated. Could you pop around after work or at the weekends, do some shopping, washing, cooking or housework to help your mum out? Sit with your dad, hold his hand and let him know that you are there for him. You may discover that you dad finds it difficult to eat in the latter stages. Make some home-made soup to try and build him up. There are also build up drinks and puddings that you can get on prescription if needed. When you cannot visit phone them up to see that they are coping.
I am glad to hear that your husband is supportive. Don’t leave him out of things. Take any help you can get from whatever source. Talk to your husband about how things are and how you feel. You will find this a great release valve, which will make it easier to be strong when you visit your parents.
I feel for you all. This is never an easy time, but you will cope.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on. We are always here for you whenever you want to talk.
Thank you for your resposes and words of comfort & adice. My dad sadly passed away on sat 10th Feb at around 9.30 I held his hand as he drifted away my mum was with him and the 2 amazing district nurses that had come to give my dad some pain relief were there to comfort us as well . I am heartbroken at Present but I know in my heart it was the best thing for him it was so hard seeing him him suffer after such a hard battle .
If anyone needs any support ,a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on I am here
love and blessings
Hello again Lea. I am so sorry as you obviously didn't expect this so soon. You were there and that must have been a relief for you both for your own peace of mind and for your mum too. Also helpful that the nurses were they and would know what to do. Do keep in touch if you find the going hard at this time. Annie
I am so sorry to hear that your dad has passed so quickly and offer my sincere sympathy to you and your mum. I am sure that you feel better knowing that you and your mum were both there at the end and that he made it home to die in the bosom of his family.
I felt like you when my mum passed – relieved for her that she was no longer in pain but heart-broken at losing my lifelong friend. You will be kept busy with all the arrangements at present and you will keep going on Adrenaline. Have you made the funeral arrangements yet? There will be a lull after the funeral when you will have time to grieve. Remember that your mum will find it even harder than you as her home will feel very empty without your dad. I have found through the years that helping others overcome their grief has been cathartic for me too. I hope that this will be the case for you as well.
Don’t forget that we are still here for you both, whenever you need some support.
I am thinking of you both.
So sorry to read about your Dad's death so soon after he returned home. However much you prepare for it, the end always seems to come as a shock. At least he died with his loved ones around him with his pain under control. In the end, that's what we all probably wish for.