Dear Adam, I've just read your whole post and do you know what my first thoughts were, lucky Adam having had such a wonderful Dad and to miss him so much.  I didn't have that relationship with my Dad and despite his painful long death due to MRSA in hospital, we still couldn't communicate as he had a feeding tube in, stopping him from speaking.  He cut me out of his will, listed my brother and me in with  any other children he may or may not have know about (numerous affairs) and this killed any affection I had finally felt for him.  So remember the good times, put a lovely photo in your room, chat to him each day and let the grief out, time will heal, you'll never forget Dad but your feelings will finally be good ones.  Don't forget the samaritans are always there for you, or ask for some counselling, loving your Dad so much is wonderful but he would want you to live your life to the full, especially if he loved you as much as you loved him.  All the best Adam.  Carol 

Hi Dor06,

Thanks for your message and thoughts. I'm very sorry to hear about how things were with your dad. I hope you've found or are finding a way to come to terms with it all.

I think the wonderfulness of my dad and my relationship with him is a double-edged sword. I hope that you are right that (in time) I will come to feel grateful and treasure the memories. However right now the incredible quality of my relationship with him just makes the pain a thousand times worse. I know many people who have lost their parents who felt sadness but who moved on fairly "well." They loved their parents but didn't have an especially close or intense relationship with them. They'd "detached" from them and lived separate lives.

That's not how it was for me. I never detached from my dad. He and I were inseparable - emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. So you can imagine the pain when we are now finally separated.

Sadly, counselling is not helping me much at the moment. I'm hoping that by sharing my thoughts here and hearing from other people (like you) I may find a way through this.

But in reality all I want is to be with my dad again. I know people will say: "He would want you to live your own life..." and so on, but when somebody IS your life, it's not easy to let go and move on.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts

Best

A

Hi first I am so sorry for your loss.

You're so very lucky to have such a beautiful bond with your dad.  

Have you considered making a keep sake blanket or toy  or pillow for example out of some clothes? You could snuggle under each day and night and feel close to him again?

Maybe you could try some things you never managed together that you wanted to do in his honour like take a pottery class, visit a stream whatever it was you liked to do to keep his memory alive.  Write a book/diary to him ?

Sorry just some ideas.  You're not alone.  We are here and listening XXX sending virtual hugs you're way 

Just read your post..so sorry for your loss. I felt exactly the same as you its now been 18 months since we lost my dad..my sunshine ..my soulmate he too was the most special person who I could always turn to and rely on.

Still need to sort out some of his things so thought id find something helpful on here as Im struggling to get round to it. 

I can relate to everything you have said..but it will get easier. Its only 2 months..grief takes time and everyone is different. 

Your sunshine will return..we just had such a fantastic relationship with our wonderful dads which is a blessing.

Take Care

Hi Macgyver,

Thank you for your message. I think I will have to try that idea - creating something I can hold/cuddle. I would do ANYTHING to be able to hold my dad again. My mind spins when it trys to comprehend what's happened. Where is my darling father? I want to be with him. He was my other half, my soul.

Thanks again for your very kind and thoughtful message

A

Thank you Suzie456. It sounds as if things are getting easier for you, which I hope is the case. For me it's again mixed - the more time passes the further I feel am getting from my father. It's now been over 2 months since I last cuddled him. Soon it will be 6 months. Then 1 year.

I understand that this is how life works, and that I was never going to have my dad forever. But, rather childishly, that's what I want(ed)! I want my dad with me and I want to be with him FOREVER. He has always been the best thing in my universe.

Sending love to you, Adam. I know the pain you are feeling. I lost my Mum last week and she was my whole world. It was just her and me and now it feels like part of me is missing. The pain is gut wrenching and the thought of never seeing her again is unbearable.

Hoping that eventually things will improve and I will learn to accept this harsh new reality.

Try to stay strong and know you are not alone xx

I feel exactly as you do, Adam and Claire. But I don't want to accept this harsh new reality! I am sad all the time. It colors everything I do, am, feel. All of my thoughts are about my mom. And how unfair to my dad, who passed over a year ago. He was only gone a few months until my mom got sick. So I feel I never even mourned him properly.

It is so unfair...even while I realize the gifts of having parents who love me and I love them...who at least lived to be seniors. I can even intellectually accept their passing, but emotionally I am destroyed. All day is just an undercurrent of something bothering me. I never really feel at ease. If I manage to be, at best, distracted...the crash back to reality is a fresh knife to the gut.

It is hard to see the point in continuing to walk through this vale of tears.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom claire1976. The way you've described it echoes the way I feel about my dad. It DOES feel "unbearable."

Everything is secondary to my dad - all people, all things, all of life. I think that I actually loved him too much, was too attached. But I can't help it. He was just my world.

Hard to see the point indeed, toil.and.tears. I'm continuing to walk because I'm hoping that eventually I will see the point again. But, like you, right now I don't.

I would do ANYTHING to be with my dad again. As I think I said, I'd happily have sacrificed my life to be/stay with him. I would have got into that hospital bed and gone with him. However I don't believe in the afterlife.

Which creates its own problems. Where is my dad now? I CANNOT STAND the thought that he just no longer exists, that he's just "gone."

To say that I had a "close bond" with my dad doesn't even come close to capturing it. I said this to one of my friends (who didn't really understand it because it does admittedly sound weird) but I WAS my dad. And he was me. We were the same; one unit; two sides of the same coin. I didn't see him as a separate person. He was part of who I am.

So what the *** am I supposed to do now when he's not here?

As for never feeling at ease, toil.and.tears, join the club - I don't think I've felt at ease for 5 years (since the day my father's cancer was diagnosed). But now that he's gone, I am more nihilistic than ever - my dad was number 1 for me. And everything else was/is insignificant by comparison.

I hope you find a way through. The knife to the gut feeling is familiar to me too. Sometimes reality half dawns on me (not fully because my brain/mind is still pretending that I will see my father again in some way, or that this isn't totally real). Even though it's only half-dawning on me, I end up crying and screaming and calling out to my dad. I wish he could hear me. He was my darling. I NEED to be with him again.