Diagnosed 22/4/22 rb told I had to go flat but now being told can have reconstruct. Had decided to have other breast taken and go flat completely but since being told I can have reconstruct I'm in two minds. Tried to talk to hubby who cheated on me a few years ago so wanted to get his opinion we have moved on but this has bought back my insecurities that he seems annoyed by. He just keeps saying I want the best health outcome... we have five children so I understand this but equally I would like his opinion on what he would prefer or pros cons from his own mouth. I know it's my choice but his opinion matters and I'm scared if I make the wrong choice I will lose him. I was 32 him 41When he went to leave me for a 22 year old so I guess my insecurities are in high alert even though he is amazing and looking after me 100% but I'm struggling. If anyone knows of any websites to help me to decide this would be a great help x
This is a very difficult decision to have to take and a very personal one too so you will have to think carefully whatever you decide and weigh all the pros and cons, get all the medical and practical information. This is something you could discuss with your medical team to see what options are available to you and how they might affect your life and how you feel. There is information about breast reconstruction on this page where you will find out about the different types of breast reconstruction available after breast surgery and if you were to decide to live without breast reconstruction, Flat Friends is a great charity dedicated to supporting women who have had mastectomy surgery without breast reconstruction or who are considering making such a decision in the future.
It's inevitable that what happened in the past has left a deep mark even if you have moved on and you have rebuilt your relationship with your hubby. It's nice that he is being supportive and telling you that he wants the best health outcome for you. If his opinion is important to you, then you need to just have a conversation with him about it - good communication with him is key in the matter. It is true that ultimately it is your body and your choice and it is important that whatever choice you make is the right one for you, for your body and I am sure your hubby will support you and continue to look after you whatever you decide. The fear of losing him again is completely understandable after what happened but you mustn't think it would be linked to the choice you make regarding reconstruction so this is something you need to talk about together and see what would be best for you first of all and for both of you as a couple. There seem to be deep insecurities which are totally understandable after what you went through and it's normal these are in high alert now while you are having to make a decision regarding such an intimate part of your body. I think it might be a good idea to help you overcome these insecurities perhaps to consider talking to a counsellor about what happened. You could talk about how you moved on and everything is now fine between you two and he is very supportive but that you have been left with these deeply-ingrained insecurities. I think it would be a good idea to tackle these insecurities and these feelings you have after what happened now even if things are now harmonious between you as they could emerge again in the future in a completely different context so talking to a counsellor or relationship expert about this could help enormously.
If you would also like to talk to our cancer nurses about your reconstruction options or anything that has been playing on your mind, feel free to call them on this free number 0808 800 4040 - their line is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm.
I hope that you manage to make the best decision - best of luck with it. Make sure you get all the information about your options and go for what feels right to you first and foremost. Many ladies in this forum will have been through a similar situation and had to make the same difficult choices and I hope that they will be along shortly to share their experience with you.
Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator
This is never an easy decision. If you can't get hubby to open up to you about how he feels, would he visit a counsellor with you? Many cancer charities offer this service free of charge. It can also be helpful to talk with a sexual health therapist who works with people who’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. Perhaps you could visit on your own first and then go with your hubby?
Breastcancer.org has an interesting article on Going Flat After Mastectomy (https://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/surgery/going-flat-no-reconstruction).
There is also a forum called Flat friends which you may find helpful.(https://flatfriends.org.uk/resources-and-information/
Flat friends also have a useful booklet titled 'Living without Reconstruction' - you can get this from the website above.
I hope that some of these are of some help to you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.