Hi Arwen,

So sorry about your situation.  I often think it's easier for me that I've got cancer than it is for my close family and friends.  While I can't really 'do anything' it just feels like I've got more control kind of.

Your friend/romance situation would be difficult at the best of times but obviously now your friend is likely to be socialising less.

It's hard to say without knowing either of you but really I can only suggest that you focus on being a friend.  His mind is likely to be somewhat occupied with all sorts of things going on so if I were you I would just make sure he knows you're there for him.  That doesn't mean ruling out anything more, and if he brings it up I would still have the conversation you were planning on having but I would leave it for him to bring the subject up.

Speaking from my experience there was a friend (actually just a friend, albeit opposite gender) that I was seeing regularly and felt close to up until I was diagnosed.  While I'd still consider him a close friend he isn't someone I'm finding that I want to discuss my cancer, the scans, the treatment etc. with.   It may be a different situation with you though, the diagnosis might focus your friend's mind into noticing that it's you he wants to be going through this with.  Who knows?

Just be there for him but let him take the lead.

FYI - You're not being selfish by asking about this on an anonymous board, nor is it selfish to be angry at the timing of the diagnosis.  You're only human, don't be too hard on yourself.

I hope everything works out for both of you, be that together or just as friends.

LJx

Thanks for talking to me.

I was dreadingpeople judging me for being upset when he has a partner and I could I suppose be seen as trying to take him away from her and ruining her life before this all happened. It is never that straightforward though is it?

He's asked if we can carry on as friends for the moment as he can't think about anything else. I agree with him totally; I can't turn off my feelings (unfortunately I told him before  all this happened that he was  the only person I'd ever felt like this about- which is true, but it can'tnake it any easier for him and he tentatively said he felt the same.)  But i have to make sure i don't nag him about making any decisions as that wouldn't be fair.

I think I've been trying to talk to him normally on text as well, bit I hope he knows he can just tell me to back off if it's too much.

I suppose I feel guilty too as he's been going through all this and I'd been sending him the occasional stressy text asking him what I'd done wrong and why he wasn't talking to me.

It's also difficult as we've been friends since about 20, so it's a long time.

I don't want to to give too many indicators of who I am in case he reads this; I really don't want him to know how upset I am, as I want to be a support for him, not a negative distraction. 

I just have to hold out hope that it was caught early and hadn't spread. He's not had his scan yet, its soon, but I'm absutely terrified for him! 

Thanks again for letting me unburden. I've been in the brink of tears and snappy with everyone about it, as I really can't talk to them - I don't know if he wants people to know yet.

Xx

No worries Arwen, if this was happening to a close friend of mine I'd be stressed to the high heavens and definitely be snapping at folk!

I think you've done the best thing you could coming on here and talking to strangers.  I was married (genuinely meaning it to be for life) and 9 years later ended up meeting someone else.  Wouldn't have done anything about it was it not that I think my husband and I both knew we were breaking up but neither of us wanted to be the one to say it.  We never fell out, it was all amicable and relaxed, there was just no way I could go on with his mother in my life, she was so hideous to me and he couldn't see all of it at the time (but does now).  We could have stayed together and made it work but I would have had to completely avoid his mum and that wasn't practical.

I'm incredibly happy now with husband number two, got married last July after 8 years together.  Stuff happens in life, things just aren't black and white and there certainly isn't just one person that's 'right' for each of us.

Just take it easy, don't be too hard on yourself, I'm sure you've got enough to think about with what he's going through anyway.

Take care,

LJx