Hi everyone...I don't know where to start! I was diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer and had chemo and radiotherapy 2years ago exactly. I was supposed to have brachotherapy but I just completely lost my mind and never followed through with anymore appointments or treatment!!I was never given the all clear,  I've buried my head in the sand and tried everyday to put it out of my head, i just stopped engaging. I stopped leaving my home altogether and have not stepped outside for the last 2years and i tried to put all thoughts of cancer away although it really hasn't worked because I've also spent the last two years paranoid of every sore throat and bellyache. But now I really do feel like my body is telling me all is not right!  I know how lucky I've been to have had these two years and that there are some who will think me ignorant for not continuing to at least have seen a doctor. But I have 3young boys and I've just been so terrified of the outcome and everyday that I got through I thought was a miracle. But now I can really feel something's wrong!! My lower back on the side of the tumor is agony! How do I face it now if it turns out that I could have been cured had I continued treatment...but now instead if I restart appointments they tell me its still there and worse its terminal!  I'm just so angry with myself I feel like I've been so selfish and I just don't know what to do next. Do I just continue with what I've been doing....nothing, because so far for 2years its worked. Or do I contact the oncologist and restart appointments/treatment.  I'm terrified either way. I hate this deep gutteral agonising feeling of dread that surrounds me. How do you cope with this feeling of helplessness! The fear that maybe soon tommorow won't be there for me? My babies need me. How can I cope with knowing that the greatest loss of life my boys will have to experience will be faced without me because of me? How do I find the strength to face this? I feel so alone and I just need some outlet to get this off my chest its such a weight on my shoulders..I'm in such pain mentally and physically I just am not dealing with anything very well at all.