Hello Laura,

My sincere sympathy on the loss of your Mum. It is upetting enough to lose her under normal circumstances where you feel that everything possible was done for her. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as if this was so in your Mum's case, so I can fully understand your anger and frustration. The poor treatment that she had must make you very bitter, but try not to let this eat away at you.

What family have you got? This is a time when you should all be supporting one another. I lost my Mum to secondary breast cancer 20 years ago. Like you, I was appalled by the care she had in the hospice and to start with, I found it difficult to get over a feeling of guilt that I had failed her in some way or another. I had to eventually let  go of these feelings and just try to deal with my grief. I still miss her every day, but I have gradually come to terms with her passing and, I certainly wouldn't wish to see her suffering as much as she was at the end. This is my one consolation - that she is at peace now and no longer suffering.

I still feel that she is with me at times and I find this a great consolation. I have had both of my knees  replaced, so know just what you must be going through with yours. Have you got an appointment for surgery yet, or are you still playing the waiting game?

Please remember that there is always someone here for you, whenever you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine

I added you as a friend again as l lost my password l was laura23 before l am now lors23 just so you know its the same person. Thanks for your reply and l am sorry about your mum. I am hoping l feel better in time but right now l feel like my world has ended. I am looking for something but don't know what to make me feel alive. At the moment l can't face the future nothing seems good. The only person that knows how l feel is my sister but l can't always talk to her. I joined this chat room and see how many other people are going through the same thing. I think l have to much time as am off my work due to ostiarthritis and am due a knee replacement in the next month. But l have not worked for over a year due to other ops and then my mum was in the hospice for 2 months and the hospital for about a month before that so my life was going to see her everyday for so long now she is gone l feel empty and l think l need help. I have my husband but he does not fully understand what l am going through although he has been through it himself its diffrent as l am a girl and my mum was my friend as well as my mum she was such a big part of our life. I was brought up with 2 great parents and l loved them so so much. My dad was the quiet one but its killing me seeing him hurt and be so lonely although l think he is doing better than me. I think all my family are. 2 years ago at 42 years old my life changed because l got ostiarthritis and needed both hips replaced and both knees although l still have a knee to get done and also an ankle fusion. My life feels like its over as l worked full time up to that point loved going holidays now l can't work or go holidays then this happened with mum. I just cant see anything good in the future. My husband also has a great job which he worked from home but has went part time to look after me and now is going to leave which is worrying me so much as he gets bored easy and does not drive so l worry about our future. I dont think.l.am gonna stop working l am at least going to do 2 days just for my sanity as right now l am so low l dont know what to do and losing my mum is the biggest thing thats happened to me. I just cant take it in. You see it happening to other people and they get by because they have kids or a job to go to. I don't and l feel l will not make my husband happy enough as l dont want to go out. I am most happy in my house and even it is annoying me now as l can't cope with how it is. I just feel like ending it as l think everyone would be better of without me as all l am is a pain with my arthritis and sadness now. I would do anything to talk to mum right now. Anything 

Xx

Hi Laura, 

I hope you don't mind me cutting in your conversation with Jolamine but after reading your last post I felt I might pop by and send you the link to the Samaritans in case you need someone to talk to over the phone when things get particularly difficult to bear, they are available 24hrs a day on 116 123 every day of the week. 

And as Jolamine rightly said, just remember that you are not alone and that there is always someone to talk to if you need.

Warm wishes,

Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Renata

I have a councilor that l.can see when l.need at the hospice my mum was in..she seen my sister a couple of times.but l have seen councilors before and although its good to talk it does not help me. I have a good friend from work that l talk to a lot and my sister helps its just something l have to get through. I would never do anything stupid even though l feel it some days. I know my husband would be devastated and it would just make things worse for my family that are already grieving. Thanks anyway but l will be ok

Xx

Hi 

I am the youngest of 3 and l.know my sister and l are going through the same and we talk everyday and she has become like the closest thing to my mum than anyone. Its made us a lot closer and without her l would not get through this. We both feel so bad about my dad. I have a brother who was great for the week after the funeral but then he went to his house in florida for a month. Which left me and my big sister to look after dad and each other. I have my operation booked in for oct or nobember its through bupa but definatly before xmas. My consultant thought it best as he could see l was still grieving. I will get there l just have bad days other days l am ok.

Thank you xxx

Hi Laura 

I'm so so sorry for your loss this is my first time on this forum I feel you so much my mum was also fobbed off by doctors for 5 months trip after trip to the doctors with bowel problems to be told 5 months later she had rectal cancer which has spread to her lungs and that there's nothing they can do for her ... I'm 44 too she's my best friend in the whole world and I know soon I will lose her I'm so scared I feel like I'm living in a nighmare and just want to wake up

Hi Amanda,

Welcome to Cancer Chat, although I'm sorry for the reason that brings you here. It is so upsetting when we feel that a loved one has not received the care and attention that they need at this stage of teir cancer journey. Having waited 5 months and to be told 5 months on that she had inoperable cancer must be very hard to take.

I know that it is difficult if not impossible to do, but try your best to keep her as comfortable as possible and create memories whilse she is able to.

I lost my own Mum to secondaries from breast cancer. She survived for 12 years after initial diagnosis, but was told that she had metastases in liver, lungs, brain and bones in her final year. She went downhill very quickly after that and it was heart-breaking to watch.

This is a particularly hard time for all the family. Please keep in touch. We are always here for you whenever you want to talk.

I am thinking of and praying for you all.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Amanda

I am so sorry. Its the worst feeling in the world. The ginormity of it is just to much for your mind to compute. I see it happening to people all through my life but you never think or are prepared  for them not to be there. And the devastation it leaves behind is awful. I was a rock up to the point she died as l has a purpose of getting her to appointments. Being with her everynight even after she was told oh your fine go enjoy the summer. She new herself she was not fine. She had no energy and developed this sore arm and shoulder. I made it my mission to help her and be there and when she did eventually get took into our normal hospital because her calcium was high we still  had not been told anything. It was her local doctor that mentioned the lymph nodes and l new right then. She was treated awful at the hospital and then one time me and my husband and sister got took in with a doctor after asking to see him and when he said the words she has a couple of weeks left my world collapsed. How did we not know this. Then l made it my mission to get her into a proper palative care hospice and did within 2 days. I felt much better about her being there as they were great but l was not thinking of the outcome....the end. My mum would never go l thought but she has and a piece of me is gone now to. So l totally know how you feel. I keep her texts and whatapps and read them a lot. Some from 4 months ago. Its so hard and l don't know what to do without her like you and your mum. 

Thank you for writing and l am here if you want to talk

Laura xxx