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Heartbroken that I can't have children

13 Sep 2018 16:18

Hi guys, 

I think this is the hardest post I'll ever write on here, since my hysterectomy november last year, I have felt sort empty and being quite young too (24) I felt like my life was ruined and in all honesty still do. I have lost my partner because I cannot carry my children which still breaks my heart. I thought he was the one who would stand by me through anything. Everytime I see a pregnant woman or a baby I have to fight back the tears. I can use a surrogate but I just feel like kinda useless. I've always dreamed of a family, a loving, understanding husband, and two beautiful children but of what I've seen it costs so much for surrogacy, I would struggle to do it once let alone twice, right now this seems a million miles away and it can never happen. My previous partner has arised a feeling in me that no man will ever want me like this, that I will never be happy. Part of me knows this isnt true but I feel it nonetheless. I'm still soildering on, I look on the brightside as much as I can but when it comes to my 'happy' future... I just dont see one. I've also got my first scan after finsihing treatment coming up in october and I'm scared. I don't really know what im asking for, maybe someone thats been through the same? Will these feeling's ever go away or anyone have any advice on how to get through this? 

Bex xx 

Heartbroken that I can't have children

13 Sep 2018 17:42 in response to Bexi

I am so very sorry bexi, I have not been in your position but didn’t want to just read and run. Nothing I say will make up for what you are facing but I have a friend that couldn’t have children and she adopted as for you ex partner ... grrr some just can’t hack it and better to know that now than later on down the line when you have giving him the best years of your life. 

People are more than the diseases they contact and there will be someone who will love you for who you are. Don’t let your condition define you; you are you and you are amazing - and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

x

 

Heartbroken that I can't have children

13 Sep 2018 18:28 in response to Magpiemaggie

Thank you so much maggie, I can't tell you how much that means to hear. I must say even before all this I did want to adopt. I think its such a wonderful thing to do. 

At first I thought my world had ended because he left but as time has passed I've realised that maybe I deserve someone like you say, that will love me for me but sometimes it feels like he's punishing me for not being able to carry children, for getting cancer, the feelings of uselessness just took over. Your words have given me a feeling of hope, a feeling which has been missing for a while, I just hope it sticks around. Thank you so much for your lovely words, they have made my day, tears have fallen but for the first time in a long time, they are happy tears. I hope you are good and I hope I can support and help you one day too x 

Heartbroken that I can't have children

13 Sep 2018 19:33 in response to Bexi

Oh bexi you don’t need to thank me, it was a pleasure to let you see yourself as other decent people see you. Wouldnt waste a minute thinking about this man, surround yourself with positivity. You’ve been given a chance to change your life, grab it and enjoy it.

Heartbroken that I can't have children

13 Sep 2018 20:06 in response to Bexi

You are a strong woman with value to society and yourself.  I won't pass judgement on your ex as I don't know him but he  has shown his true colours i.e. that your future as provider of children comes before your own intrinsic values.   You appear to be thinking primarily about how you can have children but I would concentrate on your own health issues first.  And please don't think that nobody would want you for yourself; there are many good men out there who would place a higher value on the relationship between the two of you.  I am sorry you are feeling afraid about your upcoming scan - I can understand being a bit nervy but try not to worry yourself into a space where you feel everything is going to go wrong.    You may have already looked into support groups for childless women (if you are interested in such groups) - I know of one named Gateway Women which you might like to investigate.  Be kind to yourself; you are  the good guy and have done nothing wrong.  Annie

Heartbroken that I can't have children

13 Sep 2018 22:06 in response to Annieliz

Thank you for replying, I think I only think about it so much because it means so much to me but I do my best to not let it take over. I know there are its just hard to believe sometimes I guess. Yeh I am rather scared it being my first scan since treatment. I havent actually looked into anything like that, so it might give that a look, thank you. I am looking forward, making plans, trying my absolute best to stay positive it just hits me sometimes is all and I havent spoke to anyone about this at all, I think it was just overwhelming me and its been really good to talk about it. 

Thank you again, it means alot, Bex 

 

Heartbroken that I can't have children

13 Sep 2018 22:17 in response to Magpiemaggie

But I do, this is the first time that I've spoke about this to anyone and it means so much to hear such helpful and lovely things. I am trying my best to let him go, I am getting there, just another thing that will take time. I will definitley surround myself with positive things, I am determined to be happy. Thank you so much, this has really heightened my spirits and made me feel so much better to know that people care and see me in a way that I don't. You're right, life is precious and I'm not gunna waste it. I hope you are enjoying your life Maggie x 

Heartbroken that I can't have children

13 Sep 2018 23:18 in response to Bexi

Bexi, I know it’s hard, you’ll not only be missing what you had but what could have been, much like a bereavement. It takes time to get over a breakup but easier if you value yourself and see that the problem is his and his alone and you deserve better.

Annieliz is right, concentrate on yourself and your health, I’ve just had a scan and now waiting on the results but I’m not thinking about it, worrying won’t change the outcome. I did not come out of that scan with something I didn’t go in with and if there is something there I want to know about it so it can be treated. 

I have started giving myself a treat every day or so. So far I’ve had a facial, hair cut, new clothes, scented bath with candles etc, next week I’m treating myself to teeth whitening and lash extensions

It makes me feel better thinking up these treats and away from things that make me feel anxious. If it is bad news then at the very least I’m going to look great at the results consultation Wink 

Heartbroken that I can't have children

13 Sep 2018 23:41 in response to Bexi

Hi Bex

I was pasted childbearing age when I had my hysterectomy and treatment but I can relate to the worry about your upcoming scan. Its perfectly normal to worry I still get anxious and I am 4 years on.  It does become easier to cope with, at first every twinge, pain possible lump and you think "it's back" but this becomes less and less and easier to deal with.

I don't have children and can assure you that a life with the person you love and who cares for you can be full and happy. As others have said ther are other options.

As to your ex partner, better you found out about him now rather than after you had children that could have been much worse.

Look forward, start to plan, do the things you enjoy.

Good luck, River

Heartbroken that I can't have children

14 Sep 2018 09:41 in response to Magpiemaggie

I think im beginning to get over my ex, it still hurts at times but my love for him is slowly turning into anger which is good progress I think Happy

I really hope your results come out all good. Yeh I am starting to try and focus on myself more, im planning my dads 60th birthday party at the moment which is taking up alot of my thinking and time so thats great. I think thats a great way of looking at it, I think im just scared of what might happen if it does but I know I can't change it, im just gunna try and power on.

Little treats sound like a great idea! I must say whenever I do treat myself with something it does cheer me up even for a little while. Hehe, you'll look amazing! I hope you get the results you wish for Maggie, thank you so much x 

Heartbroken that I can't have children

14 Sep 2018 09:48 in response to river56

Hi River, 

Thank you for your reply, did you have cervical cancer too or maybe ovarian if you dont mind me asking? Im so happy to hear you are 4 years clear though Happy Just gotta give it time I guess, I think in the mean time just try and like you say do the things that make me happy. I have so many plans, just hope it can fulfill them Happy 

Yeh im sure they're are many good men about, just got to find them. 

Thank you so much,

Bex x 

Heartbroken that I can't have children

14 Sep 2018 12:01 in response to Bexi

Hi Bex

I had endometrial cancer stage 4b and they also discovered ovarian cancer stage 1a. had chemo and raqdiotherapy and still here beating the odds.

I am normally a very posative person but went through ups and downs.  I used to plan what I would leave to people not the big important stuff the smaller things like my handbags, costume jewelley, scarfs (I have so many) and really silly stuff so that soon I was back to feeling up again thinking of what my friends would do with all my stuff.  You can't  be posative all the time so accept that some days are not going to be as good as others, thats life and its there for living.

Surround yourself with people who care, you soon find out who your real friends are even casual aquantances were nicer than long time friends who just did not want to know.

River

Heartbroken that I can't have children

14 Sep 2018 13:15 in response to river56

You've done amazingly, and its really great to know you are still going strong, I hope can do the same as you. I must say I have done the same even thought about writing a will but I havent as yet as I know hopefully it will not be needed. Thank you, I am determined to live it and enjoy it as much as I can. 

Yes unfortunately I found out who my real friends were a while ago when I was going through a difficult time but I guess thats a good thing too, I only have real friends in my life now which I am happy to say. I dont know where i'd be without them. I made some lovely friends along this journey which I feel will last forever and that is just one of the good things to come out of this. There is always a reason to smile. 

Bex