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Having a bit of a meltdown

Badger6167
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Hi, been so strong these last four weeks.  Got my her2 back and negative, everyone saying oh that's good news, you got this, you're strong, great you don't need chemo, but i still might, you will walk this etc etc. Gradually as I get closer to my op on Tuesday I feel weaker. 

I'm going through so many emotions, I'm looking at my breasts, I've been so proud of them over the years, always topless on beach even if I'm a larger lady. I'm trying to imagine what my right breast is going to look like. I know I'm lucky it's not a mastectomy,  but I'm like,  I love my breasts, I might be a size 18/20 but my boobs have always been awesome. 

I've also been thinking lots about people I know that fight cancer and it reoccurs. Everyone seems to think I have the op n things will get better.  How can it, you have cancer, its never going to be same again.  

I had a drink tonight,  I needed to. Haven't drank since diagnosis,  but I'm screaming inside, my daughter of 22, doesn't know I'm going through this, she's like why are you drinking on your own, she is being her normal selfish self, saying im watching tele on my own, me - all I want to do is get bladdered out of consciousness, forget cancer n all my jumbled thoughts. She said Remember its mother's day tomorrow,  and all I want to do is SCREAM, SMASH, CRY and just go back. Go back four weeks,  go back to when I didn't know. 

I can't let her know, she is in middle of dissertation for uni, end of May and degree is finished. She has had lots of cancer and death on her father's side, if she knew she'd spiral. It's so so hard always lying, its like all I've done since diagnosis. 

Sorry I need to get this out. I just want to drink into oblivion tonight, I know, so know its not good for the cancer, but well for tonight I don't care. 

I do think that the cancer charities should set up SMASH rooms, somewhere you can go and vent all the hurt and anger, not at the cancer persae, hurt and anger at never being able to just take a day as a day, cancer is always going to be there now. 

I am thankful I've got somewhere I can just write this. 

Jan x 

 

 

  • Offline

    Badger 

    I understand your every word as you no I went through this July 22 at the time I just wanted to rewind to before diagnosis , I had a lunpectomy thought great I'm done then this follows a second operstion 2 weeks later had 30 lymph nodes removed but every day I put my Lippy on no way this was getting me I stood up to cancer fought it it never once won nlt a day , don't give in to it stand tall my lovely you can do this and you will be back in the room before you no it , get your glamour on walk tall and *** cancer 

    big hugs enjoy your drink nothing has to change stsy as normal it worked for me 

    love Lara ️

  • Offline in reply to laraj

    Hi lara, as always thank you for your kind words.  I feel better now having off loaded to my partner, albeit drunkenly, about how scared I am and about how scared I am for the future.  

    I did the rookie mistake of looking too far into the future.  Right now it's day by day. I allowed it all to manifest itself and get too big to manage.  All I should be focusing on is Tuesday and the op. Cancer is part of my life now, I have to accept that, as hard as it is cx 

    Will probably pop on next week sometime after the op. 

    Thank you to this website to let us speak about how we feel at the scariest points in our lives.

     

    Jan x 

  • Offline in reply to Badger6167

    Hi Badger! I think we're allowed a big wobble every now and then. Who doesn't look ahead too far and feel scared from time to time? I had a lovely glass of red yesterday so a belated "cheers". I'm going in on Thursday for surgery and to my local hospital on Wednesday too to have some blue dye injected into my boob (wow! That's something I never imagined saying!!) Hope things seem more manageable mentally in the daylight. Take care xx

  • Offline in reply to Badger6167

    Badger 

    it's full of fear tantrums but the tiara you will wear when it's finished that's sooner than you think 

    day by day remember not the whole story in a day 

    big hugs always here love Lara ️

  • Offline in reply to Case4

    Hi case4 n laraj, thank you, it was good to vent. Much more positive today. Woke with the sun shining in the window and blue skies and thought right get to it. I think I just needed last night to vent, but doing it with alcohol definitely not the right combination! 

     

    Case4, got the dye tomorrow and op Tuesday morning. Hope everything goes as well as can be expected those week. Catch up soon x

  • Offline in reply to laraj

    Hi Badger,

    My anxiety set in the night before. Last Wednesday was my lumpectomy. Before I knew it I was waking up to a cup of tea and all done. Lumpectomy and sen node removal done. Just have to wait for results now which is hard.Everyone on here is great and helped me so much especially Lara. I was home for about 8.30 pm on the weds watching tv..Thinking of you xx

  • Offline in reply to Badger6167

    Definitely - hope it goes really well!

  • Offline in reply to shellie7

    Aww thank you shellie, hope your recovery is going well? I've told work I'm going to be off for a week from tomorrow onwards. I'm feeling OK about things now, think having a good cry and instead of being strong in front of everyone actually breaking down and telling my partner my fears etc really helped. 

    Janx

  • Offline in reply to Badger6167

    Thanks Jan yes recovery going well thanks.. Glad you feeling ok and before you know it you will be back home like I was. Thinking of you tomorrow xx

  • Offline in reply to shellie7

    Hi Shellie, just a wee question, have you had to have time off from work? Have you driven? Just trying to gauge recovery. Know everyone is different but I've told work I would be off for a week. Jan 

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