To whoever is reading this 

As I look back on the last week I wonder what if I had savoured my life before. As I am sure many of you have experienced cancer can turn your world upside down and shake you.

my stepmother had been losing weight for months. I had tried all the tactics in the book to get her to seek help...I pleaded, I argued, i begged...but she was adamant her weight loss was not an issue. Subsequently she agreed to have some tests and as told they were normal. Though she continued to lose weight she now had a doctors report to say no cancer to be found. I learnt to accept it I relaxed a little and wondered if it was just my anxiety and that truly there was nothing to be afraid of. This was June. 
 

fast forward last week my step mum was admitted into hospital urgently acutely unwell. During this admission my worst nightmare came true they found cancer not only that it had spread it was metastatic. To make matters worse we found the scan she had had in June had shown this very cancer and her gp was advised to arrange more tests which he didn't do. 
 

today i found out she is palliative treatment only and I think that pushed me over the edge. Suddenly I erupted with so many feelings anger guilt and sadness. Every time I try and accept my mind tells me it wasn't meant to be this way. I think my step mum has suddenly been faced with a reality and now she wants to fight it but I feel the doctors think it's too late they aren't going to operate and a cure is not possible. 

i feel broken and I don't know how to gather myself and face what's happening. I'm having outbursts and the pain I feel I think I'm projecting on those trying to help.
I trying to forgive myself for not trying to push harder when I knew something was wrong. Forgive her for neglecting herself and belittling me when I advised her I think she should be checked. I feel one thing and then feel bad about feeling that way. 
 

anyone on here who has had a terminal diagnosis please could u advise how to navigate this storm ? It feels like it will never end but I'm scared when it will that  will also mean saying goodbye. 

I am scared.