Hay there ...

You know, as a parent living with cancer , I have my first born son who I adore ... we fell out because of his then wife ... and although I've tried many times , he still believes her lies ... even when I was in hospital having a masectomy... for three days, preyed those doors would open and he'd walk in ..

I've come to terms nothing will change, but my door to my heart will stay open ... lve always believed in miricals... always will ...

But I'm tell ing you this, because if this cancer takes me, l need to know he won't look back with one tiny piece of guilt ... I'm his mum , always will be, nothing and no one can take that away .. I'll prey he goes on through life with a smile .. knowing a parents love is or should be unconditional ... 

I'd come back and kick him up the *** if he started having regrets ... we all do, we all wish we'd said or done more ... I wish I'd told my amazing dad how wonderful he was .. he was like the real B F G ... but I took it as normal .. only after he died did I find out he was badly abused for years by a step mum who hated him .. yet not a word from him ...  yes I'd love to go back and tell him how I feel now .. but in reality he knows ... and he was always making us kids smile and feel safe ...

So your not alone .. write him a letter and tell him everything ... put his name on and post it .. you never know they may just deliver letters up there ... when he looks down on you, let him see you smile, then he will ... 

If this is one lesson for anyone , it's make every day count ... leave nothing unsaid... tell people they love them, even if they don't  get it back ... like the song says ... if I could turn back time ... but we can't.. that's why I tell all those I love just how much ... we can't change the past but we can change the future ...  

To anyone reading this thread ... is there someone you've fallen out with but love ... then text or call them, and just say that ... " I love and miss you" and you never know .. and at least you tried .. never look back on painful stuff .. it will eat you away ... remember the dad that watched you grow from a baby to a woman .. and all that stuff befor cancer .. be kind to yourself .. and know wer all there with you ... 

Chrissie x 

Hi Bec,

Please be certain without a doubt your father knew how much you loved him.  

It is impossible to be with someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  As you said your Dad worked away so that made things a lot harder to speak to him often.  He knew how much you cared for him.  I can see from your posts how much he meant to you.  

You will always think about and wish you could spend more time with the loved ones we've lost it's natural.  I know I took my mother for granted and believed she would live to a good age but unfortunately life doesn't work out like that as I've cruelly found out.  

I think that I was blessed to have a mother like mine and I know not everyone is lucky enough to have loving parents.

I'm sure your Dad would be so proud of you and be telling you not to feel guilty that he knows how much you love him.  He'll always be part of you and nothing can change or take that away.

Take Care

X x x x

hello [@Chriss]‍ 

i am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and the falling out you have had with your son. I have tears running down my face after reading  Your kind and inspirational word. 

Your words haven’t only helped me, but I’m sure they will help anyone and everyone who reads this thread. Yes I have friends and family- and my partner that I can talk to, but people like yourself make that difference and I don’t where I’d be without you all. 

I really do hope with all my heart that my dad knows how much I love and adore him and that I’m sorry for ever making him possibly feel that way- second best. 

The letter idea, I never thought of doing that, how would I go about doing that? I’ve never been someone who is religious, but I really do hope that we all meet again, I can’t live with the thought of not being able to see my dad again . I just want to comfort him and just to be able to sit next to him and just be within his presence. 

I really do hope that your relationship with your son builds, even though he might not see you, I’m sure he loves you dearly , and when there’s partners involved it can make things that much more trickier, even though I didn’t see my dad- he meant the world to me and I’m sure your son feels the same way about you - at the end of the day, your his mother.

i wish you all the best with your cancer journey and I wish you the best of health. Sending all my hugs. 

Becca <3

hello [@Cwtch]‍ 

thankyou soo much for messaging again... just like I said to Chrissie- your words mean soo much to me in more ways than one. I genuinely don’t know where I’d be without people like yourself Cwtch. You make me sane - honestly. 

The fact that you have taken the time to read through my posts speaks volumes - not even friends of mine would take the time to do that, what a wonderful person you really are. 

I can be here all day thanking you, these are conversations I will always keep with me and reflect on... to help me through. 

So thankyou again , 

sending all my love to you 

becca 

xxx

Hi again, 

Really no need to thank me but thank you for your kind words : ) I can understand how you are feeling.  In the early days and weeks I would scour the internet reading and looking for answers and also posting.  It would mean so much if someone replied and said they understood. I still look for answers myself and know that most of my questions are unanswerable.  It helps though to read and reply and think I'm not alone. Sometimes it's the words of strangers that mean the most especially people who have lost a loved one.

Sending you a big cwtch :  ) 

X x x

Hi Becca ...

I've never been a so called religious type... I believe there's someone up there who's kind and forgiving and not vengeful... so it's really just a personal belief ..

The day I got my cancer diagnosis,  I found white feathers everywhere... esp in my bra... I remember telling mum and dad, it's o.k , I get it your here ... but still they came .. places where feathers couldn't get .. after my masectomy and lump sent away for tests ... I had the news my lump was low risk of spread and no lymph node effected... they just stopped .. and now my sister with dementure has them around her ... we lost mum and dad 30/27 years ago  ...

So yea i believe theres something .. l believe well see them again .. but untill then do things that hed be proud of you for .. so he can look down and say "thats my girl" and yes hell be so proud ... as i am for my son ... im as proud as a mumzie could ever be ... that's what he called me ...

And remember you can't loose him letter ... your half of him .. wrap him up in your heart and take him with you ... he will see through your eyes... and that letter ... I wrote dad a letter .. told him how sorry I was I never told him how amazing he was ..and said all what's in my heart .. posted it to "Daddy in heaven" and put it in the letter box ... and just maybe if miricals do happen, there's a angel postman who collects them and takes them there .. that's the child in me ... and once you tell him .. get it all out .. acknolage  those feelings... have a good cry / rant ... then look forward .. put those feelings to rest ... 

A big vertual hug as always ... Chrissie x 

Hi Rebecca. I have read your post and afew of the replays and I saw your post saying that you wish you knew for certain that we see our loved ones again, well I can tell you with all my heart that we definitely do see our loved ones after they pass. When my husband died of cancer at the age of 31 I was leaning my forehead on his, and I suddenly started seeing what he was seeing. You would think that I would of freaked out but it was so spiritual and relaxing that all I felt was peace. I could see my husband standing on a snowy hillside with his grandparents and his deceased family dog all waiting for him. They had built log cabins and hollowed out a tree to use as a boat on the beautiful lake that was near their cabins. Everyone thought that I was basically going mad, but I knew I wasn't because I always believed that my husband's dog was put down with only 3 legs, so why did I see a dog with 4 legs on the hillside. I said to myself that's strange,and with that  my uncontious husband spoke to me telepathically and said that he had died with all four legs. I know what I saw was real, so when it is your time to pass, please believe that you can see your dad and tell him how much you love him and how guilty you feel. He will take you with open arms and tell you not to be so silly. All the best Tina X