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Finding it hard to come to terms with things

10 Sep 2021 15:18

I lost my dad 9 weeks ago after his long battle with cancer over 5 years. He had oesophagus cancer which then spread to his spine and pelvis and also effected his voice in the end. I still live at home with my mum and im there only child. Im 34 and feel i should be dealing with it all better. All through his battle I was with him on every appointment/treatment and near the end became his carer.

You always know deep down the day will come but you can never prepare yourself. I constantly question did I do enough near the end while he was in hospital and this still plays on my mind till this day. Would he of been upset at us that we made him go in because he was so poorly and all he wanted to do was come home. I never got to see him till he was at his worst because of how things were with the covid situation in hospitals and I hate that. He was so distressed and it was horrible to see. I don’t know if he could fully understand we was there and it breaks me because id hate the thought of him thinking we just abandoned him. I cannot get these moments out of my head.

The past few weeks have been a blur even after the funeral it feels like things aren’t happening or I’m choosing not to accept his gone and I don’t feel I fully can. I feel lost and have no purpose it was all about my dad for so long its hard to snap away from that. I am trying to be strong for my mum and worrying because she hasn’t fully cried yet how its effecting her deep down.

Im emotional all the time and that bothers me because I don’t want to get upset Infront of others but I guess that’s how grief is and I need to accept my emotions will take over. The house feels so empty without him id do anything to have him back here again. It hurts so much without him

I am back at work this week and finding it very hard to concentrate my mind wonders to my dad. Im getting so stressed about entering the office again worrying on how I will be. I feel work colleges avoid talking to me because of what’s happened and makes me feel even more awkward. Also I used to love the gym and find it hard to get motivated I feel so exhausted all the time. I feel staying at home is a safe place and don’t want to do anything. Relationships etc have gone on hold because all my time was invested in my dad I feel I will never go back to normal again.

Its his birthday in a few weeks as well how do people deal with this. Any advice will be helpful I just feel its going to take me along time to come to terms with things

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

11 Sep 2021 00:42 in response to Tasha-x18

Hi Tasha

im so sorry, I have just lost my wife to oesophageal cancer seems to be quite a common story on here

i totally understand your pain and frustration I have never felt hurt and anger like I do now I know nothing much anyone says makes you feel better but what I am learning is there are some wonderful people on here who have and are going through what we both are .

I check in here quite regularly if you want a chat as I do find some peace from the fact that there are people who actually understand what I'm going through rather than all the sympathy I get elsewhere where no one actually knows or understands because it's never happened to them

Take care

Gary

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

11 Sep 2021 01:14 in response to AnonG22

Thank you for replying gary. I didnt think anyone was going to reach out to me

ive come on here to get advice and it will help to know all im feeling others do to. Because although friends  and even some family members want to be there as a support they dont fully understand how it feels to of lost someone from cancer and the effect it has had and even through the years since the diagnosis  on both me and my mum.

Just the comments of oh you will be ok. Getting back to work and normality will help. Just gets me annoyed

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

11 Sep 2021 02:05 in response to Tasha-x18

I know exactly how you feel and im in no place at the moment to take on board all the comments about times a healer and take one day at a time and it's okay to do this that and the other, despite the fact that it's possibly true and they're genuine comments of support. If I can be of any help I will, so don't hesitate to message me it's often easier to talk to someone you don't know where you can say how you really feel without worrying about being judged

take care

Gary

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

12 Sep 2021 21:05 in response to Tasha-x18

Hi tasha,

I feel the exact same way , my brother passed on the 21st and I dont like to get upset in front of my children partner or mum. My kids haven't seen me cry except when I was told to go to hospital as my brother deteriorated, I broke down uncontrollably.  Now I feel numb some days I'm always thinking of his last days, like he knew the severity of the disease yet he kept it from us, but at the same time he had hope because we were trying to get him into private care . He even text saying how the doctors can just write him off, basically saying he wasn't ready...yet he died the next night.... It kills me. I was told that in time those last days won't be the first memories you think of. You will think of the happy memories first.i have yet to have my brother's funeral, the day before my birthday, I don't know how I will be that day or the day after. The only comfort I have is that my mum and children have been strong. Your mum is being strong for you and that will be a relief for her maybe,but she is grieving in her own way. My mum talks to everyone about it and I can't,  not yet xxx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 09:25 in response to Maria21

 Hi Maria,

sorry for the loss of your brother, i feel numb also like its not happening and they are not fully gone or i choose not to accept it. I feel my dad wasn’t ready to go either and its horrible as you question did i do enough in the end for them in the end. The funeral the day before your birthday will be hard, to be honest, my dads was a blur they say it hits you after but I’ve still yet to fully accept things. Your mum children and partner will support you on that day and you will all comfort each other. Yeah she says don’t bottle things up and talk to her but you feel you don’t want to burden them as they are grieving too so you just struggle with the thoughts in you head over and over xxx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 09:58 in response to Tasha-x18

Yes exactly that. My brain hurts from thinking about every little thing. And I just want to sleep or watch something to keep my mind occupied.my mum also says not to bottle it up but I have always dealt with things that way. I mean seem strong generally but things like this I don't cope well. Talking to people on here has helped, because people feel the same, even tho everyone's experience is different and everyone thinks theirs is the worst which it is to them. Also have you been on macmillian?you can talk to an operator on line, that might help.   Xx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 11:17 in response to Maria21

yeah you over think everything that has gone on in your mind. Sleeping is also an issue for me i just cant settle i think im having bad dreams also back to when he was in hospital its horrible. Plus you just cant settle because there no longer in the house you dont feel as safe anymore. Yeah im the same i bottled things up so much the other year to the point of i went in to work on a daily basis and just cried for no reason I was just in a bad place mentally it was at that point i spoke to someone they said I was doing anticipatory grief aswell which explained alot. Yeah everyone’s experience is different but we all have been effected by the horrible disease that is cancer. I think at times I used to feel guilty at how much it effected me through the years like why am I like this im not the one going through the pain and treatment of it all but it does effect those close as well. Im sorry to say macmillian haven’t been the best throughout my dads cancer to be honest ive ended up going else where. I have some sessions with MIND last year on things. I recently have been on cruse.org which are good for a quick release on there online chat someone does listen. But in time I have sessions I can get through work on speaking about my grief im just unsure when the time is right for them if that makes sense you wonder when is the best time to start them

 

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 11:35 in response to Tasha-x18

Yes you shouldn't have to worry about when is the best time for them, because you're dealing with it now, but I get what you mean. I only spoke to one person in macmillan who was good but then others just referred me to brochures. And I was desperate to talk just so I understand what I'm feeling but at the same dont want to talk. Sometimes the numb feeling is a relief from the ache and crying. My mum comes to my house everyday because she lived with my brother and I just think she would be better off being at a friend's or something coz I'm no good to her. My partners been working, dropping the kids to school, picking my mum up, cleaning, picking the kids up, making us food. And I know he feels helpless thinking he can't help me, he is helping by looking after my family. 

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 12:25 in response to Maria21

Yeah I think im worrying if ill need more support after the sessions as well I can get these quickly because its via a work support thing but when I waited the other year it took 8 months before I got any support etc plus be worst now with covid. Yeah even on the help line they don’t say much or just keep pushing you towards brochures which isn’t what you want. I think shes coming to check in on you or just be close as you are going through it together she probably thinks she is helping by coming round. She will understand tho if you are not yourself but its more a thing of just checking in I think.

Yeah I bet it makes you feel guilty because he is doing it all but he is just helping the best he can and in time you will do things when you are ready to but he doesn’t want you worrying more on things. xx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 12:34 in response to Tasha-x18

Yea I guess she is, they keep pushing me out of bed but I don't want to get out!

I have many people around me but feel alone

How do they make you wait eight months?! No wonder more and more people are suffering with mental health problems thats ridiculous! How are people meant to get help when there's nothing offered either. Even docs and nurses didn't offer anything at the hospital. Here's his things, bye. Xx 

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 12:52 in response to Maria21

I get why they are trying to get you out of bed. I understand that you want to be left alone and just to stay there but it wont help your mental health by doing that even if its just getting out of bed daily and sitting downstairs its progress as much as you dont want to. Sometimes it can make you feel worst.

I hear having so many around you and feeling alone is very common too.

Just due to the waiting list it puts you off reaching out for help in a way because of the long waiting list to be honest and its horrible to say that.

Yeah the hospital didnt give us any support either. We didnt even get given his things we had to just pack them up ourselfs. Then got given a booklet on what to do after death and sent on our way.xx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 13:32 in response to Tasha-x18

I have sat downstairs, with my mum, but then I'm just sleeping and my mum wants to go for walks every day. Sometimes my daughter goes with her. 

I am just realising I am goin on about my loss on your posts and I'm sorry.

It's terrible that you have to reach out for help, someone should be there for people going through a bereavement anyway. 

Yes we did too, packed his things and that booklet that they gave us, I didn't even look at. Real people to talk to should be there  not a booklet xx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 13:52 in response to Maria21

maybe just get out one day and see how you feel. Or even go alone. It doesnt help the weather being so ****** but the walk might help release some endorphins.

dont apologies we are just speaking about our losses together which it happends on some of these posts.

yeah it is bad you dont know where to go when it comes to bereavement but like i say cruse or good for a quick offload on there chat.

yeah the booklet had so many things in you just dont look at as its to much to process and just find a way to get through it yourself xx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 14:10 in response to Tasha-x18

I actually did have a couple of walks with my friend, but she talked and I listened, which I didn't mind, it meant that I didn't have to talk. And now the weather is **** (I hibernate in winter in general anyway) and the funeral date is looming, its hitting me again and I'm dreading it. The thought of everyone being there and I just want to run. I haven't switched my phone on either, because of texts and photos of my brother.

Me and my brother loved working out too, my brother was lifting the hospital bed a few days before.and jogging a few weeks before, I think that's why it's a shock. He was here one minute, the next he was gone.i was in the middle of a p.t course, just don't even want to think about it. I feel I will never find joy in anything again.

 Have you had a walk or spoke to anyone besides cruse? At least you're going back to work and trying to  keep occupied. As you were dealing for so long, it's time to concentrate on you, as much as its hard to do so. Do what your dad would have loved seeing his daughter do. 

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 14:43 in response to Maria21

sounds silly but i bet because your friend spoke on there troubles you was focused on that and in a way you forgot about whats going on just for alittle moment because of it. Yea winter isnt good i dont like to go out alot in winter i hate the dark nights. The funeral will be a blur well it was for me i dont remember much or who even went to it to be honest. Dont worry about your phone it will only add to the upset you will turn it on when you are ready.

Thats lovely you and your brother worked out together those will be precious memories. Wow he sounded healthy. Its horrible that they can just change in an instant. My dad actually got up for a shower with help from the nurses a few days before and was walking around his bed so i got told. Then within the space of 48 he was a different person and had gone down hill so quick. The PT course im sure will wait and when you are ready to focus again that is sure to be something you try and complete im sure your brother would have wanted you to aswell do it for him if anyone else when you can concentrate again.

I used to walk alot in lockdown but now not so much i also went to the gym alot as well. The gym was abit of me time when i needed it but ive yet to get focused on going again. Ive spoken on here to people but thats about it currently. Work isnt going great the only good thing is im working from home. Its hard because i cant focus on things i drift off and think of my dad daily and get upset then im so worked up i cant concentrate. I have yet to go in the office yet im dreading the day. Worried how people will be etc planing my escape if i get upset but thats not yet ill go in when im ready.

Yeah i cant focus on myself at the moment life seems pointless without him here

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

13 Sep 2021 14:59 in response to Tasha-x18

It does, everything seems pointless. Especially as you lived with him and even though he was ill for a while, he was always present, You may not be ready for a while and you don't need to be. Your body and soul need time to heal and who knows when that will be. As long as you heal. 

I am feeling guilty about not hurrying up and coping, which I know I shouldn't be. 

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

14 Sep 2021 13:00 in response to Maria21

yeah he was always there its very lonely without him. i sit and speak to his picture alot in the day.

We are all different and who knows when we will feel ok again probably never really

While ive been off work I think I assumed after we sorted all the house bills out etc I would just grieve and be done with it but it doesn’t work out like that we cant plan for how long we are like this and it doesn’t just go within a week

 

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

14 Sep 2021 13:12 in response to Tasha-x18

Exactly, literally got to take every hour as it comes. X

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

14 Sep 2021 20:40 in response to Maria21

Hi Ladies

ohh my heart goes out to you both well actually everyone on here that is feeling just you both & me. 
I lost my husband 7 weeks ago & I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Grief is exhausting, it's suffocating & I think we are all learning to survive this madness of a time we are experiencing. 
I do nothing but cry & I mean cry, I'm back to work & feel lower than a snakes belly  

I too use to train everyday but lost the drive for that too. 
 

Ladies can I recommend a book to you. It's called 'It's ok that you're not ok' by Megan Devine. Worth purchasing & reading. I'm convinced the book was written for me!

Hold on tight ladies to the side of the boat that's on the choppy water ~ you'll see me there too & when we get to the shore how proud will they be of us xx 

Huge hugs to you both, keep in touch xx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

14 Sep 2021 22:35 in response to Babyem

Thats a lovely message, thank you. I will have a look at that book.I'm so sorry for your loss, it's still so raw and you're right it is exhausting and we are just trying to survive xx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

14 Sep 2021 23:06 in response to Tasha-x18

Hiya Tasha, I am a young man Battling cancer. Please stop blaming yourself lovely. It's not your fault. Your a gem you became his carer. You should be so proud of yourself. I know it's easy for me to say in time you will heal. Your wee dad will be looking down at you. Thank god above he had such a lovely daughter, Please don't blame yourself it's covid and i am sure he would have known you were near him. I died in 2016 but i am still here and still battling on. I am a reiki practioner i am sending you distant healing please drink water . water and tears heal us humans. You take good care lass if you ever need to talk please get in touch. i'm a RMN or was. so please if you need a chat message me. Will x

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

14 Sep 2021 23:11 in response to Maria21

Hiya Maria, I am a young Scottish man battling cancer. I am so so sorry you are struggling i am a RMN if you need to chat please message me anytime. You take good care lovely you will be fine. I am a Reiki practioner see those tears they heal us humans so does water so please drink lots of water your lips may start to dry up you may cry let it go please take care if you need a wee chat i'm here Will x

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

14 Sep 2021 23:14 in response to Maria21

you are coping you just don't know  it your resiliant i can sense it take care Will x

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

14 Sep 2021 23:19 in response to Parrot123

Thankyou for your kind messages. I'm hanging onto a thin thread at the moment, I know everyone feels the same

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

14 Sep 2021 23:30 in response to Maria21

your very very welcome as i said if you ever need a wee chat just message me. Stay safe lass Will x

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

15 Sep 2021 10:09 in response to Babyem

Hi Babyem,

Im so sorry for the loss of your husband. Your time frame is not far off mine it still feels very raw.

Yeah grief is exhausting. It doesnt help when sleeping is an issue aswell you just feel like you are never rested. You can quite easily just stay in bed but for me I feel worst if I do that so I try and get up.

I am back to work also and its hard. People say oh i bet your glad to be back for the distraction but its definitely not the case I cant concentrate, im just in a daze everyday. I am working from home luckily but I feel very alone at the same time I don’t want to be around work people. At least when I cry I have privacy.

I have the book ready to purchase thank you. I will definitely give this a read hopefully it helps in some way. Your just willing to do or try anything to help you get through it all.

Thank you for the kind words, I know we are all not alone on here. There lovely people and its such a comfort.

If you ever need a chat please feel free to message me

Tasha xx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

15 Sep 2021 10:21 in response to Parrot123

Hi Will,

My heartbreaks hearing that your a young man battling cancer, sending you positivity and strength I hope you continue to keep fighting this horrible disease.

Thank you for your lovely words. My mum says this also that I couldn’t of done anymore than I did but you always think you could of done more. Your parents you just want to do what you can as they brought you up in the world and care so much you want to make sure you give it back. I think it was heart-breaking for him to watch me care for him. He used to get upset and say im sorry he felt like a burden to me and all I wanted to do was help take his pain away. Thankfully he accepted help from me he was a private person and never wanted to get many others involved. I hope he knew near the end he was trying to pull cannulas out and get out of bed it was horrible its like he wanted to get out and come home and its like he was thinking why don’t you just help me to us 

Making sure you are fed and watered go out the window while grieving but I try my best thank you I will do xx

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

15 Sep 2021 19:33 in response to Tasha-x18

Hi Tasha 

I was reading your reply to Will it was exactly like me. Kevin was trying to get out of bed, pulling his lines out, he also had a peg fitted which he tried to rip it out, stopped & just looked at me with these big haunting eyes saying 'help me' it has broken me it did then & still does now. 
I work in a School & we are back & to be honest I put this mask on & as soon as I take one step out that door I cry I hold it all together

I feel that this box that I hold had everything in it, working, caring for him, numerous hospital visits with me driving, keeping the house going, my house looking like a hospital & constantly in a mess etc etc etc & now the lid of this box is slowly opening & everything is started to come out bit by bit & I just can't catch anything anymore Sad does that make sense ? I'm worn out, sad, very lonely & just I could have just one more hug & Kev telling me it will be ok 

when you read that book take a hi-lighter pen & hi-light the bits that you are experiencing you'll be amazed  

Ditto for the chat always happy to chat 

xx be kind to yourself xx 

 

Finding it hard to come to terms with things

16 Sep 2021 11:08 in response to Babyem

Hi Babyem,

Yeah my dad was very much the same near the end its horrible he looked so scared and it was like they was trying to say just help me get away. Thats what i find hard to deal with because you feel like you didnt help them and then they then passed away angry because of it.

Its good you get all the crying released just let it all out, i bet it feels better to after holding it in all day.

I would do anything just to have one last moment with them again i think you do. I think we just got to remember how much we did for them and was with them all through this so they wasnt alone. we need to take some comfort in this.

i have ordered the book it should be here today so thanks for recommending it

I have sent you a friend request also xxx