Hi [@Emily113]‍ 

Firstly I just want to say how sorry I am about the loss of your mum at such a young age. I'm a bit older than you (32) and I lost my Mum on 15th May this year. Like your Mum, my Mum went into hospital because she was feeling breathless. That was her only symptom (she had lung cancer) and she passed away a few hours later. I can empathise with you about the regret you're feeling; I think a sudden, unexpected death heightens that feeling. I could have written what you said about wishing you'd spent more time with her during COVID etc. That's exactly how I feel. I'm so full of regret about the things not said or done and the silly fights we've had over the years. We just need to keep remembering that no one's relationship is perfect and I doubt there is a single mother daughter relationship in this world where silly fights didn't occur. Im also having to remind myself when I beat myself up about not spending more time with my Mum over this past year that I actually kept her safe and therefore had her in my life for longer. If I had seen my Mum more, I was increasingly her risk of catching COVID, which may have shortened her life further due to the cancer.

I understand how it feels to not have any friends who have been in this position and it is a really isolating feeling. I too am grieving the loss of the life my Mum could have had and the life I could have had with her. I feel at the moment I'm putting on a brave face for others but when I'm on my own I'm just broken and cry and cry for my Mum.

I just wanted to let you know that you are absolutely not alone in how you're feeling. I think it's good to keep talking and writing things down like this helps to offload some grief. I'm here if you'd like to chat further.

J xxx