Hi shiela ... please don't feel guilty ... most of us has some regrets and wish we could turn back time ... bet if you could ask your dad , he'd say all he felt was proud of his girl ... be kind to your self and know everyone grieves in different ways ... some it doesn't hit for a few years, then out of the blue, it hits ya ... it's just the way I deal with it, is taking my self to my bed, curled up and cry and feel angry / sad and give in totaly to all those feelings ... don't want to be around anyone ... and one day I cried for hours ...but then when I'm all wacked and cryed out ... get up shower and hair washed , make up (war paint) on and I feel like a weight gone from shoulders and I'm ready to take on the world ... it works for me ..

Well hope you get his records sorted ... sounds a wee bit cagey to me ... you push till you get the answers ... and know my hunny you need to go through all those emotions to come out the other end ...we will never stop missing them ... they stay wrapped up in your heart forever ...so take care brave lady big hug chrisie xx 

Hi Sheila,

A very warm welcome to Cancer Chat.

I am so sorry to hear about your husband’s experience with bowel cancer and its’ subsequent spread. He did not start off well with a diagnosis of grade 4 bowel cancer, but he did well to survive for so long with such a diagnosis. It sounds as if he has had a trying time with his cancer journey, but sadly, that is par for the course with this dreadful disease. I am not a medic, but believe that a urine infection could well cause confusion and might well have caused his fall in the bathroom.

It doesn’t sound as if you let him down at all. You were there for him when he needed you. You are naturally grieving and will re-live his final stages over and over again. The feelings you have are perfectly natural and will gradually lessen with time.  All sorts of emotions will go through your head in the meanwhile.

His GP should have an accurate account of all that he has been through, including any letters of referral and, to the best of my knowledge, you should be entitled to a copy of this. Your GP is duty bound to keep accurate records. If he hasn’t done this, he could be sanctioned by the BMA.

I know just how difficult it is to get a copy of medical records and how long it takes to get them.

It sounds as if your husband was well cared for on the whole. We are so fortunate to have the NHS in the UK. When you stop to think of what all of his treatment has cost what with testing, CT/MRI scans, operations, chemo, hospitalization, ambulances, nursing care, consultants fees, medication, etc, it may not seem like it just now, but he was really a very lucky man.

It is unfortunate that his disease progressed to metastases, but this is something that everyone with a cancer diagnosis, lives in fear of. I lost my mum to secondary cancer and, am now 7 years into my own treatment. I have had 2 bouts of primary cancer, neither of which showed up on MRI. I found both myself, but I feel grateful for all the care and attention I’ve had since then. It hasn’t all been plain sailing. I too have had my gripes at times, but I’m still here after 7 years.

Do you want to pursue this further? If so, can I just say that you shouldn’t do this without thinking very carefully about the consequences. This could take years out of your life, years when you will not be able to continue the grieving process as you constantly regurgitate all that has happened throughout the last 7 years, years when you will be worn down, possibly at detriment to your own health and that of your daughter. Sadly, despite all of this, none of it will bring your husband back.

I feel for you and sincerely wish that I could help. Have you considered seeing a counsellor? This is not for everyone, but many people find it of great benefit. Many of the cancer charities offer this service free of charge and, it is certainly worth considering.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you whenever you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx