Hello Alison,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum’s diagnosis. I have lost both of my parents to cancer and also many relatives and friends. My mum had breast cancer for 12 years and developed secondaries in her final year. These had spread to her liver, lungs, brain and bones and she died within a year of developing these metastases. That was 20 years ago and I still miss her every day.  I myself have had 2 bouts of breast cancer, the first almost 8 years ago and the second almost 7. I have found such a difference in the treatment and aftercare that I have received, in comparison to what the rest of my family has had.

Getting a diagnosis of lung cancer is scary.  You say “I feel guilty for having those feelings as it isn't me who is actually dealing with the cancer, it's my mum”. This is not true. Cancer doesn’t   just affect the patient, but her entire family. You are the person who needs to be strong for your mum, who can support her on her darker days and attend to her needs. I think that it is true to say that we all feel inadequate when trying to support a loved one through this. It is not easy, but it is doable and, there are many things that you can do to help her out. Your mother’s state of denial is not unusual. She is bound to have concerns about how this disease will progress. She may well also have a fear of death. The most frightening thing about this disease is that it is not totally predictable – all cases are individual. Has her consultant given her a prognosis? 

Instead of worrying about the outcome, try to create memories with your mum. Make sure that she is comfortable and pain free. Liaise with her care team to ensure this. Are there any people that she would want to see or places she might like to visit? Just be there for her and attend to her needs. Don’t try to cope with the larger picture, take things one day at a time and you will get through this.

Please keep in touch and remember that we are always here for you whenever you need to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx