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Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

12 Nov 2022 06:05

Hi,

My beautiful mama passed away in February of this year at the age of 47. She passed away 9 days before my 22nd birthday, and has left behind me, my 2 siblings also in their 20s and my dad. It will be 9 months since her passing on the 20th of this month. The first few months were shock, the last few months have been hell. I started getting severe anxiety and panic attacks thinking of my mum passing away for 5 months. I have everyone around me- family and friends, a therapist, but I feel awfully detached from this world. 
 

I used to be a very confident and an outgoing girl. I was super social and always had a positive outlook on my life- just as my mum had raised me to have. But now, even when I'm having fun, I feel bitter thinking that nothing will last forever, why should I be having fun when my mum has left me? As someone who used to work on impulse, I've become an over thinker. I believe that my beautiful mum has gone to heaven, but I see no point in life without her. I'm not suicidal but I feel detached. I developed health anxiety since her passing, and because she was so young, to young to be taken, I always feel as though i will die next and at even younger age. I don't like how others pity me, I miss my mum and leaning on her for support. I even miss her anger. Only after her passing did I mature, I didn't realise the world was such a scary place. 
 

I know what my mum would want of me right now. To be happy, enjoy my youth but i feel like it's been stolen from me. I don't show this to others around me, I continue to carry on my mums legacy because that's something I will never let die. My friends can't understand because they haven't experienced it and I acknowledge that but they act like what they're going through is the same or worse than me and it really severely irritates me because they complain about the tiniest things which I never do. 
My mum taught me amazing life lessons which at the time I didn't think I'd ever need, but here I am without her trying to remember each one. I feel robbed of time. My mum was recovering from cancer and suddenly passed within a few days. I came home to her taking her last breaths. She was so optimistic about the future, that she never discussed with us what to do if she were to leave. I had left the house the day she passed to buy her her favourite brand of bottled water and a storage container to put her medicines in. The next day she was buried. 
 

Will I ever get over my mums death? I always wanted my future partner to love my mum, because my brother in law got to experience being around her and ended up adoring her so much. I wish the people in my life who aren't here yet would get to experience my mum, because words can't describe her. 


I'm sorry this was so long. I had a lot to say. Thank you if you reached this far to the end of my chat.

Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

12 Nov 2022 17:31 in response to u0103

u0103

Hello my lovely ,I'm so sorry to read of your sorrow of the passing of your beloved mum at such a young age.

Grief hits us all at some point in our life,and we all experience it in different ways, there is no wrong or right way to grieve, its a personal thing to each of us. That's why it's so hard to deal with,while going through our grief we think others around us don't understand us,and we can think why,why can't people see through me,see how im just going through the motions ,letting people think im doing ok,im handling my grief,when really were not coping aa well as we'd hoped we would, and we think why dont they see this ,ecspecialy family and close friends who we thought would see through us and see the hurt and pain,we're still feeling. I've just laid my mum to rest on the 9th November 2022, and these were some of my thoughts. 

But if I'm honest and try to answer that question I've been asking myself ,I truly believe its because its my grief, its my thoughts, my sweet memories and the thought ill never be able to see or call my mum ,on this earth that's causing me to feel this way. And I honestly do think,thier grief is  also being hidden some what too. I guess it's a coping mechanism to look normal to the outside world,to people that don't  know we've lost someone very dear to us. I can understand all your thoughts ,and how they will make you feel as you do,but don't beat yourself up,its your grief,and there is no time on when your grief starts or eases up. I can also understand how sad your feeling as your mum was a lot younger than mine,I do feel for you,and understand how you feel at losing your mum so young.  But your so right in saying your precious mum,would not want you to feel the way your feeling now ,but to be honest your mum would understand as to why you are. So don't try to beat yourself up over these thoughts too,don't try  to hurry your grief you may not even realuse your doing so, it's not a nice feeling it really isn't.  But grieving as you and I are is a big part of the healing process of the hurt  we are feeling . I know right now your probably dreading Christmas, dreading New year,dreading birthdays ,anniversary, I know I am. But I think to myself, I have my precious memories, yes they do hurt,but I also have to remember  that those memories include many happy ,funny moments that I had with my mum,and I know I will always  have a part of my mum in me,which is a great comfort.  And I tell myself I was lucky enough to have a good relationship with my mum,I knew my mum loved us all,as we did mum. Not evetyone is lucky enough to have this,so I'm eternally grateful for my mum,and the love she gave us all. I do believe the spirit lives on,and that itself is a great comfort.  

Anyway I'm here if you need a chat, I do pop on from time to time . Big hugs sent your way   xxx

Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

13 Nov 2022 07:33 in response to Jassoscared

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me such a beautiful message. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's passing ♥️ it's so recent for you, so I'm truly sorry. No matter what age you lose your mum, a mum is a mum. But the way you speak gives me an insight into how your mum would have been, and I'm sure she's already transformed into one of the angels in heaven♥️.

 

You're right, I don't need to try and speed up my grief, I need to remember that I'm still in the early stages and for grief to pass I need to experience it. I think it's because I hate feeling this way but Ofc I would feel this way- our mum's are truly special and they need to be grieved. There's no timeline for grief, and especially since our mums are so precious, they will always be remembered. You're also right in the fact that the spirit/soul never dies, because that's exactly how I feel. I'm sure you feel your mum around you- there's no privacy anymore!!  


We do all try and act "normal" to the outside world and that's something I need to remember. I keep re reading your post because it makes a lot of sense to me. Grief is personal because only we shared those memories with our mums♥️. Xmas, new year are just around the corner, but as you said, I'll cherish the memories I had with my mum, what she taught us and embedded in us. After all, we are apart of her. 

 

I will feel! Thank you and the same back for you- I'm always here for a chat. Thanks for uplifting me, lots of love for you Happy xx

Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

13 Nov 2022 19:48 in response to u0103

Bless you

I have no words because as each day goes by I can't breathe. I lost my beautiful mom Thursday 13th May 2021she passed in my arms. She suffered so much from terminal cancer, I would have given anything for it to have been me xx Everday I feel I can't breathe but I know she's here with me x

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

I would give the world for 5 minutes for hug. I feel for you xxc

Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

15 Nov 2022 22:39 in response to u0103

So sorry for your loss- The love of a good Mother will be irreplaceable, She was a year older than myself & id hate to leave my grown up Children, Grief is torture & Anger is part of it!!There are no words - I hope as a family you can find some strength in time- Thinking of you xxx

Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

24 Nov 2022 22:29 in response to u0103

U1013

Hello sorry for the late reply to your lovely reply to me.

Yes evertything you and I have said is sooo true,and im.glad my reply resonated with you, as yours did to me. Thank you so much, and I know Christmas will be hard but we've got to try to enjoy it as much as we can   as I know our mums will have wanted this for us. 

You too I'm always here to chat if your having a bad day xxx

Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

19 Dec 2022 06:00 in response to u0103

Hi sorry for the late reply,and im glad my comments on your post helped you. Thank you to you also for your lovely reply and I appreciate that a lot. 

This Christmas is going to be tough without mum,not having the usual thoughts and ideas of what to buy mum for Christmas, isn't nice at all,it just brings it all back as its not long since mum passed,although I can't believe it's been eleven weeks and four days gone by allready.  But I do feel my mum around me,I do keep past Christmas cards for crafting with,and when mum passed,i thought that I'd try to find a birthday card ( it was my birthday in November)  and a Christmas card from my mum,that my mum had sent me previously, as I know if mum was still here,I'd have received one. So I put one up on my birthday,and this year I looked through a box of old Christmas cards, and the first one I pulled out was from my mum. I felt it was definitely a sign that my mum was right beside me,and wishing me a happy Christmas.  The card I pulled out,didn't have on the front to my daughter,it was just a normal Christmas card,and inside it said to ( my nane) Merry Christmas love from Mum. My mum always used to sign her cards from mum and Roy (Roy was  her partner  who's still here) but this card that I pulled out was just from my mum ,so it was a lovely sign.

Anyway I do hope your OK,and coping with things. 

Happy Christmas to you and yours .Best wishes for 2023

Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

2 Feb 2023 14:25 in response to Tubbs

Apologies for the late response, however thank you for the message! You're right, all of these eomtions are a part of this journey but as a family we will be fine xx

Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

2 Feb 2023 14:28 in response to Cooksot

That poem was beautiful and made me feel emotional! You are also suffering but you are holding yourself together for your mother! I would give anything for a hug as well- i wish it for often. Prayers for you, and thank you for messaging xx p.s. she is always here with you

Feeling detached after my mum passed away.

2 Feb 2023 14:33 in response to Jassoscared

I apologise for the late response, I stopped receiving notifications for this! 

A belated merry christmas and happy new year to you :) 

This christmas was the first without her and also very tough so I can relate. That is so sweet that you put up a card from your mum on your birthday! I really feel for you and wil also steal this idea from you so I can do the same on my bday! The christmas card incident was no coincidence- that was your mum showing you that she is and will always be there with you, in everything you do! You have no privacy now, shes with you all the time!

I really hope things brighten up for both of us. 

X