My beautiful mama passed away in February of this year at the age of 47. She passed away 9 days before my 22nd birthday, and has left behind me, my 2 siblings also in their 20s and my dad. It will be 9 months since her passing on the 20th of this month. The first few months were shock, the last few months have been hell. I started getting severe anxiety and panic attacks thinking of my mum passing away for 5 months. I have everyone around me- family and friends, a therapist, but I feel awfully detached from this world.
I used to be a very confident and an outgoing girl. I was super social and always had a positive outlook on my life- just as my mum had raised me to have. But now, even when I'm having fun, I feel bitter thinking that nothing will last forever, why should I be having fun when my mum has left me? As someone who used to work on impulse, I've become an over thinker. I believe that my beautiful mum has gone to heaven, but I see no point in life without her. I'm not suicidal but I feel detached. I developed health anxiety since her passing, and because she was so young, to young to be taken, I always feel as though i will die next and at even younger age. I don't like how others pity me, I miss my mum and leaning on her for support. I even miss her anger. Only after her passing did I mature, I didn't realise the world was such a scary place.
I know what my mum would want of me right now. To be happy, enjoy my youth but i feel like it's been stolen from me. I don't show this to others around me, I continue to carry on my mums legacy because that's something I will never let die. My friends can't understand because they haven't experienced it and I acknowledge that but they act like what they're going through is the same or worse than me and it really severely irritates me because they complain about the tiniest things which I never do.
My mum taught me amazing life lessons which at the time I didn't think I'd ever need, but here I am without her trying to remember each one. I feel robbed of time. My mum was recovering from cancer and suddenly passed within a few days. I came home to her taking her last breaths. She was so optimistic about the future, that she never discussed with us what to do if she were to leave. I had left the house the day she passed to buy her her favourite brand of bottled water and a storage container to put her medicines in. The next day she was buried.
Will I ever get over my mums death? I always wanted my future partner to love my mum, because my brother in law got to experience being around her and ended up adoring her so much. I wish the people in my life who aren't here yet would get to experience my mum, because words can't describe her.
I'm sorry this was so long. I had a lot to say. Thank you if you reached this far to the end of my chat.