Hey Milly... you’re very brave for posting 

I don’t think there is a magic way to stay strong..you will need support... I’ve been in this situation and like your mum, my mum didnt know how long she had - we were told two weeks and two weeks to the day was what we got.... at the time I had 2 children (now I’ve 3) and to be honest they kept me strong... on days when I didn’t want to do anything I still had to! Take each day at a time try not to think too far ahead and don’t keep your feelings bottled up. Have you people who you can talk to? I know it’s hard especially talking about feelings... but you will need to. It’s easy to feel angry about it and a natural feeling.... xxx 

Hiya Millymoo22; and welcome to the forum.  I know from experience - some time ago now - how difficult it is to keep things together when your mum is dying and either does not know this or refuses to accept it.  Doctors are supposed to be honest with their patients and tell them what to expect but of course that doesn't automatically mean that the patient takes it in and accepts it.  Nothing wrong if your mum is just determined to fight but she needs to know what is expected.  When my mam was dying from cancer my dad did not want her told that she was dying - this was in the 1980s, things were a bit different and doctors did not automatically tell patients the bad news.  So we tried to stay cheerful and act like it was just a routine hospital stay but in my mam's case I am sure she knew what was happening but didn't want to upset my dad by talking about it.  What a tangled web!  She talked about "seeing" her brother who had died in Normandy during WW2 and also another brother who had died shortly after the war.  Do you and your mum talk much about what she is going through? 

I am attaching a link to "Caring for the carer" from this website which I hope might help.    I realise I have no really practical advice but hope this may help you.  Annie

www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../caring-for-the-carer

Thank you mummyd and Annieliz for your advice. You honestly feel like your the only family going through such a horrendous time but in reality there are so many in the same situation. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who are all coping with it in their own way. I also have a partner and 2 children which I am racked with guilt for not spending as much time with them. Myself and siblings are all meeting up tomorrow to discuss what to do next for the best. It’s just so hard when when I hear my mum talking about when she gets home from hospital she’s going shopping for new summer clothes and holidays. We just don’t know whether to explain to her about the prognosis. She had a really bad panic attack when the consultant spoke to her about resuscitation. None of her family were with her at the time which made it worse. My mum has been the back bone of our family and has been through so much with losing her own mum when she was just 6 years old to cancer and then being adopted to a terrible family. Life has been so cruel to her and now this, and at 65 years old she will lose everything. I’m crying again typing this. I just want the old me back and my mum better xxx

You will find there are others going through it or that have been through it but this is your mum and although everyone can give tips and advice they won’t all work.... so take from it what will work for you... let your partner help you too it’s so easy to push them away but you will need him more than ever! 

I do t think there is anything wrong with your mum thinking about buying clothes and planning holidays especially if it makes her happy ..... it will be difficult for you and the family to hear but you may find comfort in seeing her joy at the thought of happy times..... my mum was told that her cancer had spread and was stage 4 and within 20 mins she was in complete denial.... my dad wasn’t there when she was told and as I relayed what they said mum was saying no he said it wasn’t stage for and it hadn’t spread ... she was soooo believable dad didn’t know who to listen to! We were fortunate to care for mum at home during her final weeks and I spent so much time away from my kids I too felt guilt but as my mum always taught me you can’t be in more than one place at once and you should always be where you’re needed most! How old are your children? Do they know that your mum is poorly?  Mine were 4 and 2 at the time.... now 9,7 and 2 and sadly going through it all again with my father in law and hubbys going through tests too 

I’m so sorry for everything you have been through and are going through at the moment. It really is so cruel,  it’s so lovely to chat to people who are going through the same as I’ve never really spoke about it to anyone. My mam was told her cancer has spread to her pelvis and is now at stage 4 but maybe she is in denial at how serious it is. I will cherish every moment and every conversation we have and if she wants to talk about the future then I will too. Her happiness at this present time is our priority. We will be eventually taking mum home with palliative care. I’m 42 and my children are 22 and 12, my daughter is my rock and so supporting bless her. My son doesn’t completely understand how ill his nanny is and is asking to go see her in hospital. I’m not sure whether it’s a good idea to take him as he’s such a sensitive boy. I have to travel everyday to see my mum as the cancer centre is such a long way from home and I’m a support worker which I’m finding so difficult at the moment. Could I just thank you from the bottom of my heart for chatting to me about your experience and sad loss. The feeling that I can talk about it to someone who has gone through it is so comforting. Xxxxxx

It’s a tough one knowing what to do about your son seeing nanny in hospital - Maybe jot it down and ask your siblings when you meet tomorrow.... you can only make decisions based on the moment you’re in.... don’t worry if YOU can’t do it as it will be you that has to support him afterwards and you will be faced with the barrage of questions and emotions boys can sometimes surprise us... but if he is sensitive it may be easier in a safer environment when he’s surrounded by family and in a familiar ‘safe’ place.... on the other hand if the staff in the hospital are kind they can offer support and possibly answer questions he may have

make sure you look after yourself especially as your travelling, working, being a mum, sister, partner and probably never letting your mind relax.... remember to eat, relax and rest and ask for help with things if you need to 

i found it it useful writing things down to either get of my chest or to remind me of things, I also had a group WhatsApp with my sisters and brother that helped keep everyone up to date... but still txt them individually about ‘normal’ stuff.... hope you’re close with them? Mums are always the backbone of the family.... I’m sure she’s instilled this in you too xx 

Hi everyone, I’m completely devastated. My beautiful Mam went to heaven yesterday, surrounded by her 5 children and partner. She had a lovely pieceful passing but struggled prior to this. I’m struggling so much and miss her with every breath I take. I’m agonising on whether to go and visit her in the chapel of rest as I will find it so hard leaving her on her own as she always loved people around her. Could anyone give me advice on what you think I should please. 

A massive hole has opened up in my heart and cannot see how I’m going to get through this xxx

So sorry to hear this..... I know what you mean about not wanting her to be on her own, I initially didn’t want to go to the chapel as I had said my goodbyes etc but my mother in law wanted to go so I went with her.... to be honest for me I already knew she had gone so didn’t help or hinder me - it didn’t seem like it was her 

the chapel was at the top of her road so I would say goodnight when I passed at night. 

It is truly something I wish no one had to go through :( sending you big hugs xx 

Hi again Millymoo.  I am sorry you have lost your mum but it is good she had a peaceful passing.  Do whatever feels right for you regarding going to visit her at the chapel of rest.  Don't force yourself to go if it doesn't seem right to you.  What you are feeling is awful but entirely normal in these early days.  You have been a good and loving daughter and did everything you could.    Annie