Hi there ..

This is the place to come for any questions .. and hopefully you'll get different opinions ... 

I think lots of us have found that people we thought we were close to, just don't bother ... some we thought wouldn't be there, were ..  it's a funny old world ... but on the positive side, it shows us who we should hold close, and who we should just let go ... 

I know it hurts so much as loosing both parents so quickly is heartbraking ... but you now know he's not worth even giving a second thought to ... you must be a really caring person to worry about someone who doesn't reciprocate. . Look after your self now ... and love those that love you ...

Sending you a vertual hug ...  Chrissie x

Hi Serapine,

Sorry to read that you've lost both parents in such a short space of time, that must be tough to experience. 

Your FIL may have been wondering "why the heck did no-one tell me?" and was too shocked to know quite what to say. Then again, he may be completely lacking in empathy or emotional intelligence, for whatever reason. Or he may be the type of person who finds it hard to even think about death, so he does everything he can to avoid the subject.

We went through something similar with family members. My youngest son is severely autistic and some of my male relatives also seem to be on that spectrum, even though they've never been diagnosed. We also experienced a strange lack of empathy from one family member who had previously been very caring. We couldn't understand it at the time but everything became clear when he was diagnosed with advanced dementia several months later.

I'm not making excuses for your FIL but it may not be personal, he may be like this with almost everyone else in his life. Perhaps your husband realised this and avoided telling him about your Mum's death for that reason? 

You could take your cue from his behaviour and just be polite but impersonal with him in return. Whatever happens, try not to take it personally - even if it feels personal :-) 

Best wishes

Dave

Hi crissie is right on the ball there i used to make excuses for people .i dont now some are rubbish or weak or thoughtless or cant be botherd to look up what grief is dont give him another thought . See how he is may have taken him by surprise give him the benifit of the doupt for a while he may have been put out that your partner didnt tell him then work out what your going to do .be with the ones that care and give you support now you and your family are the ones its amazing people you would think never would and others you think would theres been many stories about this so your not alone in your thinking nor are you wrong to feel this way ime so sorry your going through all this we understand its so painful but hold onto the fact that it does get easier ive spoken before you were sorting your mums stuff its so difficult so many hurdles we have to deal with without a manuel  .best wishs .paul

Thank you Criss. I agree that I shouldn't give him a second thought. I must confess that I didn't feel too terribly when my father died as he left before I was born, and we had no relationship. I cried at the loss, because I realized that I would never have a father at all now. I kind of always yearned for him to apologize for abandoning me. But it never came. But with my mum, she was my best friend. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I adored my mum and did everything I could for her. I was kind of shocked he couldn't even offer a "give her my best" to my boyfriend. But you are right. I have to just hold those that I'm close to closer, and let go of the ones who don't care. 

Hi Davek. I'm sorry that you have been through something similar. It's very painful indeed. It's so hard to understand how people can just completely lack empathy. It just makes no sense, unless there is in fact a medical reason.

You are right though, it's not personal. He is indeed that way with everyone. It actually boggles my mind that he has so many friends! He is active in his church and goes on missions helping poor people around the world and I think he gets a lot of praise for that. 

He probably was a bit bitter that he wasn't told until six months later. But sadly, my boyfriend and him have a lot of bad blood and resentment between them. They absolutely never call each other except to say happy birthday, merry Christmas or on Father's Day. My boyfriend felt a bit weird just calling him out of the blue to tell him. I think he probably knew deep down that he wouldn't care. It was kind of obvious. We had told him and his wife all about my mothers tragic journey into health problems, and yet when we saw them after that at parties neither of them actually asked about my mum. 

I'm kind of dreading seeing him this Christmas, because emotionally I feel like I don't want anything to do with him now. I think he is a cold person who does not have the ability to care for anyone except himself and a select few people he's endeared himself to. My boyfriend is not one of those people, and so sadly, by extension, I'm not one of those people either. I find it really sad, because I tried really hard to be a friendly easy going person with him, and I don't think I deserve such coldness.

Thank you Paulus. I have to just not take it personally. He is just not a very caring person. He's not a mean person, in any way. Just really self involved. I have been struggling a bit lately, as we have just sold my mums house and when I went into her house the other day I cried, because her furniture has now been sold. I just kind of looked around and saw an empty room, and thought that the new owners won't know about how much love was shared in that room. All the happy dinner parties, celebrations, fabulous chats. 20 years of love and life in that house. And now it's nearing Christmas, and the house will no longer be ours very soon. So I guess because I'm in a slightly vulnerable state right now, as the house gets finished being sorted, having my boyfriends dad not even offer an "I'm sorry" was kind of painful. I had a *** dad who walked out on us before I was even out of my mums stomach, and I guess maybe in a sad strange way, maybe I kind of hoped that my boyfriends dad would offer me something that I was never going to get from my own father. Gosh...that sounds so pathetic doesn't it?

How are you getting along these days? You had also mentioned clearing out a trailer and your house. 

Ime not doing to bad thanks ive got the caravan sold like we talked about seeing pic of liz and the one on your screen saver we talked about desensitization ive got used to lizs pics still get down . Yes remember you taking home a lot of your mum kitchen stuff because you wanted to clean it up everything has a memory . Ive had trouble with my siblings letting me down i gave it four months then sorted them all out the supporting ones and the others ime not bothering with .i guess we expect people to be like us unfortunaty a lot are not so we become disapointed and it hurts . I didnt have problem with lizs bungalow she left that to her daughter and grandaughter which was fair enough i have my own house .i would forget about your partners father  if you can or it will eat you up concentrate on yourself and your sister partner and friends they are the important ones sort the others out later .he may say something to you when he sees you if he dosnt well blow him its his loss .so try and keep your chin up and have the best xmas you can i think your mum will be watching over you at times with the wierd things ive had happen i think we talked about that to ime sure liz has been helping me six months ago if someone had said that to me i would have thought the were bonkers but not now .best wishs to ya paul.ps i understand how you were hoping your father in law i had it with lizs daughter i would have stuck by her till the day i died but in her case she went realy strange i was the carrer you see and she couldnt cope with the guilt so tried to turn it on me so had to end it sad realy as i had realy helped and cared for her mum right till the end this rotton disease effects everyone if lizs daughter comes back ok but i couldnt cope with being pnch bag

Dear Serapine,I am so very sorry to read your story .I have found myself saying these words to myself ,"I know what that feels like " also " I know what that man is " .Before hopefully i can help ,i would also like to say how wonderful all those replies are already here,what would we all do without such nice,caring people in the world . Hold onto that ,there are so many lovely folk who balance out the not so nice !   You ask how can your father in law behave the way he does,.Everything you say leads me to believe he has a Narcisstic personality ,there is nothing you can do to change him .As a caring person you will naturally want to be close to him,expect him to behave in ways you behave ,be loving and sensitive to both you and your husband .This unfortunatly will never happen ,howvever hard you try ,it will not happen,and along the way you will be hurt.Do not waste your time .If you speak with your husband do not be surprised to find he had a very difficult childhood ,one of emotional neglect .Your father in law is typical of a Narcissist in that he does not want to show empathy because it takes attention away from him,in his mind he is the most important person ,cetainly not anyone else .There will be no point criticising or questioning his behaviour because he will believe he is right . His "good works " at the Church and elsewhere are  as much about being seen publically as being a "good " person because his public persona is very important to him,so people think he is wonderful in reality it is about him and not those he appears to be helping. I feel very sorry reading how both your husband and you have been trying to reach him ,once you can accept this will never happen ,you will feel more at peace with what is upsetting you about his behaviour, Look to yourself ,your husband ,value each other ,your friends and those good people in your lives ,what has happened to you is very painful and will take a lot of time and loving support to cope with.You do not need this man in your life , I have personal experience of this sort of personality and believe me you must let go for your own sake and  hold onto those you hold dear in your life. xCarole x

I'm really glad to hear that you are doing ok Paulus. Glad that you got your caravan sold. I'm really sorry to hear that things haven't been so great with your siblings, and how difficult and painful it must have been to have Liz's daughter behave that way. It's absolutely mind boggling how people can behave the way they do. I might think rotten things sometimes, but I would never ever say or do something to a person to deliberately hurt them. I have been used as a punching bag many times in my life, because I'm so easy going. My sister in particular, very much enjoyed using me as a punching bag - actually, sadly quite literally when I was young. I wish that we were closer today, I have been very good to all her children, babysat them whenever she needed me to. But sadly, she lives in a bubble where she's quick to criticize everyone in the world except herself. She is good to her kids. But somehow finds it hard to love anyone else it seems. Anyway. We just have to focus on the good people in our lives. It's all we can do.

Thank you Shrubbery. You have very accurately described my father in law. I kind of wondered if maybe he had a personality disorder (his wife has several so I guess they are well matched) but I couldn't figure out which one he had. But yes, it does have to be about him all the time. It's actually really fascinating to watch him in action. We were recently at a family gathering and I was kind of observing him, and realized that no matter what the conversation is about, he has an interesting ability to bring it back to himself! 

I used to be respectful to him, like I mentioned, I would be smily and friendly and ask him questions about what he'd been up to. And I get the feeling that he does like me, probably because I was always such a good listener to him. But now I honestly do not want to give him the time of day.

And you were spot on about my boyfriends childhood. Emotionaly neglect indeed. They had absolutely no relationship at all what so ever. My boyfriend grew up with a broken heart because he'd seen what dads were like on t.v, throwing the ball with their kids, building things together, going on a little adventures. He had none of that. Though oddly enough, his dad did take a very strong interest in his sister. This broke my boyfriends heart even more. 

Everyone is absolutely right though, I just need to let it go, I can't let it eat me up inside. Having you all explain that he's just not a very nice person has helped me. I know that it's not me, it's not personal, and I just need to emotionally detach. I'll never get anything out of him, in the exact same way that I got nothing out of my own father. I need to let go of the expectations. It really is his loss. 

You know what's funny? He also has expectations about how his children should be! He has also seen the t.v shows and movies and feels like his children should be always calling him and making plans to see him, because he's getting older. But do you honestly think after what I have described that he actually deserves any of that? My boyfriend actually called him up once and tried to make plans to have him come and visit us. He said he would check with his wife and get back to us. He never did, and when my boyfriend mentioned it to him the next time, he didn't even remember that he hadn't bothered to get in touch. Can you honestly blame my boyfriend for not reaching out to this person. 

Anyway, thank you so much, all of you, you have been a wonderful help. You have no idea how good it feels to have a bit of sympathy and understanding.