Hello Monicaschild; sorry you are going through this distressing situation.  I hope you are gertting support from other family members and other carers.

It may help to read the attached link which is from this website and tells you what to expect in the weeks and days leading up to end of life.  I very much hope it is of some use.  My very best wishes to you and your family in these circumstances.  Annie

http://about-cancer.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/dying-with-cancer

Thanks Annieliz. 

Mum seems so much weaker , if that is possible xx

Dear Lynne

Your husbands passing sounds very traumatic indeed. 

But the more information I have of what could happen the less shocking it will be. 

I really appreciate that you took the time to answer me. 

I hope you are coping ok now. 

Kind regards

Bex

It is difficult to be exact as everyone is an individual and the information provided - while indeed helpful - doesn't alway happen in a neat chronological order.  How is your mum's breathing?  Does she respond to you at all?  Are you okay talking about this on the forum?  Annie

I am fine talking on here. ANNIELIZ Mum's breathing is shallow at 26 breaths per minute. SHE had one spoon full of food for tea. And has been refusing drinks. If she has it is only a sip or two. Struggling to get tablets swallowed. Restless. Urine is dark and sparse. SHE is in pads ... can't get her out of bed. And she doesn't really communicate. I also noticed a patch on her elbow which looks to me like Cellulitis.... temp at 38.6 Thank

26 breaths a minute seems pretty normal - I have just counted my own breaths against the clock - but if they are shallow she isn't getting so much oxygen.  Just moisten your mum's lips if she won't drink so it is a bit more comfortable.  If she isn't taking in much liquid she won't be passing it out.  Are you doing this on your own; you seem to be coping so well although I know that once you have accepted what is happening your energies are put towards keeping your mum comfortable and knowing she is loved.  She will most likely be able to hear you although she cannot respond much.  When do you next expect a visit from a nurse?  And is there anyone you can contact if - though I hope there will be no need - you are worried about something overnight?  It sounds as though things are taking a natural progression - in my experience at least.  I will keep an eye on this post over the coming hours so you can make contact at any time.    Annie

Hi Monicaschild,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum's situation. My mum had breast cancer for 12 years and, in her final year she developed metastases in her brain, bones, lungs and liver. She deteriorated very quickly after this was diagnosed and it was heart-breaking to watch and, yet to be able to do so little to help. Mum had a lot of pain at this stage, but that was 20 years ago.

I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer myself in the past 8 years and have found treatment and after care to be dramatically different from what it was then. It is great that you can care for her at home in a hospital bed. This is where most people would like to be at the end.

It is impossible for any of us to stage your mum's cancer. The only person who is in a position to do this would be her consultant, as he will have her medical history and test results to hand. It may also be on her medical records for some of her care team. Your mum would have to give her permission to her consultant for you to discuss her situation. Without this the consultant cannot tell you anything. This is due to data protection legislation.

Even when you do get a prognosis, it is really only a 'guesstimate', as all people are different and many outlive their predicted time by quite a margin.

Do you have any carers or nurses coming in to tend to her? If she is no longer eating much, perhaps she might take some of the build up drinks that are available on prescription? Some of these taste awful, so don't give up if she doesn't like a particular one - just try another make. These have sufficient nutrient value to keep her alive. Don't forget to mention to her care team that her fluid intake has reduced dramatically too. Her urine output will naturally have decreased if she is not drinking much. Moistening her lips, as Annie has suggested is a good idea.

Towards the end (last 1-2 days) mum became very agitated and I felt her feet and legs getting colder on her final day. I could feel this working up her legs as the day progressed.

I am glad to hear that your mum is not in any pain. This could change and, if it does, be sure to alert her care team, as they can step up her medication if needed.

You are having a hard time, but somehow or other you will find the strength to see this through. Do you have any other family members to help you out?

I am thinking of you and praying for a peaceful passing for your mum.

We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thanks jolamine

We had to call 111 today as the carers noticed a droop on left hand side of face. I hadn't noticed because she was sleeping till they arrived. So it could of been a stroke but more likely to be due to the brain mets in frontal lobe. And given where we are with the prognosis it didn't seem fair for mum to have to wait around at hospital. Given she can't get out of bed. And the journey and whole experience would of been too much. The paramedic spoke to a doctor and McMillan during his visit to home. And we all agreed that it was causing no alarm to mum and was very slight so to remain at home.

Mum is incredibly restless every evening from 7.30 ttill about 10pm. Although she is given sleeping pills at about 5.30pm it is becoming a nightly 2.5 hours of fractious and restless period for her. She can't communicate well enough to tell us whatvthe matter is  and if we ask if there is pain she can't say. 

Today she has eaten a Mashed up banana. A regular size tube of Smarties and a thick yogurt. 

My step dad is naturally panicking over the decline in food intake. But I keep saying this will happen. And I have stressed he mustn't force her to eat. As this will cause more harm than good. 

I hate the fact this is all so drawn out and undignified for my mum. It is so painful isn't it to see. 

Is it wrong to hope she drifts to sleep and the angels take her???????????????

I am disappointed in myself  for thinking that... let alone writing it.

Don't feel bad about yourself, you are managing so well in what is the most painful of situations. You have managed to accept the coming death of your mother and want to do the best for her which is very loving and unselfish.  You are doing the right things by your mum; it is so difficult but you are keeping it all together.   Jolamine is a great source of common sense and experience and I know we will be watching for your posts so do keep in touch if we can help at all.  I hope your wishes are granted and that your mum passes peacefully; it will be heart breaking for you afterwards but you are being very unselfish now.  Just keep doing what you are doing now.  Annie