My husband of 51 years, who has never been ill or in hospital has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I am watching him deteriorate - he is on morphine morning and night and is not eating much at all. He has lost over two and a half stone, but I had managed to put him on a high calorie snack type diet and he had put three pounds back on. He started palleative chemo some weeks ago, but couldn't have the second treatment as his liver count had shot up and they admitted him for five days and put a stent in his bile duct. He was managing to eat a little more after, not much, but since restarting his chemo, he is hardly eating at all and sleeps a lot of the day. I am frightened he will now start losing weight again.
I am so sad, and I am not coping well when I am on my own or in the night. We got through me having stage 3 breast cancer last year. He supported me through my mastectomy last July and my radiotherapy that finished in November last year. I was lucky enough not to have to have chemotherapy. I never thought that a year later he would have to have it.
We had planned to go away on a special holiday this year to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary as we couldn't go last year, but we were unable to go. We used to go out several times a week by car, even if it was only for lunch or a coffee, but he can no longer drive and I don't drive, and he can't eat much, so we can no longer go out for meals. We feel that everything has been taken away. I tell myself that I am lucky to have had him by my side for 53 years, and that I am getting a chance to say the things that people who lose people suddenly never get to say. But it is so difficult to talk about what will happen. I want to boost him up, give him hope and give him encouragement that the chemo will do some good. So how do I then talk to him about practical things I need to discuss? I keep disolving into tears, when listening to words to songs, articles I read, people being kind. And people are kind, we have support from family and friends. I cannot talk much to my children about how I feel, as they will get upset, they are trying to do all they can.
So I have written this, I find it difficult to talk to anyone, although the MacMillan nurse has offered counselling, I can't bring myself to ask for help, as I am a trained counsellor myself and find myself anticipating what they are going to say.
I think this will be our last Christmas together, although I live in hope that the chemo will do some good.
Is anyone else going through this? I tried to be brave all last year, now I am falling apart.
