Hello lonelygirl and welcome to the forum.  By the way, your English is very good - I wish I could write/speak a foreign language as well as you do (yes I know, I could do so if I made a bit more effort).  You sound very depressed and that is not surprising in your situation.  It is a terrible situation to find yourself in - the person with whom you hoped to share your life and whom you love is going to be taken from you at some unspecified time.  Your friends - well people try to be helpful but obviously don't know how - of course you cannot feel positive in the situation in which you and your boyfriend find yourselves.  It seems - from your post - that you have family here and I hope there are people with whom you can discuss what you are going through at this time.  If your depressions is seriously interfering with your daily life (and that would not be surprising) you might like to talk to your doctor about it.  Also of course please do keep posting here to say what you are experiencing; there are many people here who have had or are having similar heartbreaking experiences and it may help to talk with them.  I also understand how awful it can be when the rest of the world seems to be happy and doing frivolous things and you feel totally alienated from what is going on around you.  Please keep in touch on this forum - there is nothing that you cannot talk to us about and I feel that you will help both yourself and others suffering similarly.  Annie

Hello lonelygirl,

I will second what Annieliz said, your English is amazing! And to echo Annieliz again who has given you great advice, it isn't surprising that you are feeling down in this situation and going through an awful lot at such a young age. You do strike me as very strong though despite everything and writing a diary is probably cathartic for you, it allows you to express your darkest thoughts and is a way to offload all that weight that is currently on your shoulders. So keep writing I am sure it will do you a lot of good!

Do talk to your doctor if you feel you are getting depressed as Annieliz suggested (sorry Annieliz I am stealing all your best lines ;) )  Posting here will also help you by chatting to others who truly understand how you are feeling at the moment, who are currently supporting a loved one or have done so in the past. It can help to feel you are not totally alone in this, that others are simultaneously going through the same thing. Sometimes it can be hard to talk to friends and they may not know what to say and end up having awkward comments as you experienced, but on this forum everyone will be sympathetic because they will have experienced something similar.

And if it all gets too much, there's a helpline you can ring to talk to someone at any time of the day or night. Get in touch with Samaritans if you ever feel you cannot cope and want to chat to someone - you can find their contact details here.

Wishing you a lot of courage during these difficult times. Try to go out and distract yourself when you can and feel like it and on days you don't feel so good, come back here and say hello.

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi [@Annieliz]‍ and [@Moderator Lucie]‍ 
I think I feel a little bit better now. Although I'm not yet in my most productive mood, I'm a bit more functional and in a logical mindset. I guess just the simple fact of talking in this forum is a relief, because I know you guys understand my situation. I have some friends and family but I guess they don't have many skills in dealing with this as well. Then again, my counseleur hasn't been available (I only have sessions once a month and probably i need more...), so I might start thinking in change to another, maybe a psychiatrist, could help access how my mental health is... The important is that I must keep looking for the help I need. I think I'm now normalizing more my feelings and accepting them and I appreciate you taking the time to reply me. That type of attention makes all the difference. Thank you

I'm struggling every single day. I do not find a meaning in life... I'm having difficulty coping with life firstly because of my boyfriend's terminal cancer ... I'm trying to live a normal life, but all of the sudden stuff come to my mind like his funeral/death, it's horrible ... He is the person who gives me the most support and I do not know how much time I have with him :( .... My job it's really really boring, and that also does not help, because instead of being productive I end up thinking about bad things ...They pay "well", but they do not give me what to do although I know a lot of people who would love this (not doing nothing). I even have the initiative to do things, bring ideas, except that my advisor does not answer any doubts, I spend weeks without a meeting, without a word of supervision and my doubts are kept to the point of being unable to do anything and stay on the computer trying to figure out what to do ... I sense that if anyone went through this experience, people would see that it is not that easy... I would rather work seriously and receive less! It is a boredom and takes away my meaning, since I am a hardworking person that would like to contribute.

Anyway besides that I have no one near to comfort me because I moved in a new city and I don't have friends nearby so I feel that I am fighting alone and that I I do not know what/who to grab to. And believe me that I make an effort to be rational, to be positive and to distract myself with activities and interesting things ... I believe even in the circumstances in which I am that the suffering is normal and that I am strong. But life right now is just too bad and it does not seem like it's going to get any easier so soon, it's desperate ... :(

Hello; thank you for posting so openly and honestly; it  is better to get things out in the open.  I don't know how you feel about changing your job at the moment; I know what you mean about wanting to do some meaningful work although I don't know what work you do.  Most of my working life was in the field of public sector housing for a local authority.  I found it stimulating and that was the most important thing; not knowing what was coming each day and trying to find ways of helping others with their problems.  It was not brilliantly paid but as I progressed through the system the money did increase.  I ended up being in charge of repairs so I still had contact with the residents but I really preferred the days when I was out and about all the time (and not having to meet financial targets all the time but that seemed to have happened to all sectors of public sector work over the years).  I agree you need to get satisfaction out of your work and if you feel up to making the change now then go for it.  If your work doubts are just another symptom of the crisis through which you are living then it would be good to find a counselor of some sort with whom you could talk through the terrible situation in which you have found yourself.  If you do not have close friends where you are now living then - if you find it useful - please do keep posting here where so many people will understand what you are experiencing.    Annie

I work in Portugal and I have a science and technology management fellowship. It sounds interesting by name, and it should be interesting (my dream is to work in science communication), but what I really do is nothing, and when my supervisor remembers my existence I do more administrative tasks. I don't like to me ungrateful because I know these are difficult times, but it's sad having studied for 6 years and now not doing that great (but if I look for most recent graduates of my age I guess that's what's happening, most of my colleagues couldn't find a job in their field). Maybe if I look on abroad (for instance, there in the UK you have an excelent Science Communication culture), but I feel trapped here in my country, I can't leave my boyfriend now that he needs me the most :( ... I may look for a new job in Portugal, but I'm not sure is gonna be better, and it's not gonna appear from the day to night ...

Meanwhile, he got today the news that he is going to start this procedure of radioembolization in which particles are delivered to the liver's metastasis but he does the treatments in another city...  I can only be with him at the weekends, and now I'm feeling that I should support him more than what I'm capable of (because of the distance)...
Some days have been reasonable and others upsetting for me. Today is one of those days that I feel that this pain will stay forever... Life it's unfair, sad and lonely... I had to go cry to the bathroom of my office, I don't have anyone in this new city to cry or talk to about such deep issues... 
Tomorrow I'll see my conselor again... I realise there's no magic spell to get happy in a situation like this, that I have to feel THIS, but I don't  want to feel this anymore...

I've posted here before about my feelings. When I first posted in the forum I was completely in despair and I'm feeling depressed again as that time. I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts, feeling like a zombie, like I'm already dead because I cannot cope with my life... I feel guilty for having such feelings because I'm not the one with cancer. I just wish something good would happen but anytime I  smile something happens to destroy that happiness. Sometimes I wish this was just all over as soon as possible, like why keeping with treatment if he's not gonna get better, and then I feel terribly. I can't stop thinking, my head is just absurd. Life doesn't seem to have any meaning, it seems it has much more pain, struggle, unfairness, sadness, suffering than pleasure and happiness. I wish I was never born at all. I try to speak with people, entertain myself, keep myself busy, but nothing works, the bad thoughts always come back. I don't understand why I can't be more of a satisfied person but sometimes it seems that the universe is conspiring against me. I just want to have a normal life and feel the joy again... My boyfriend is not himself anymore, he is a sick man. I want my boyfriend back. I don't know what else to say.

My boyfriend passed away on the 25th of march, this past Monday by morning. He was in the hospital with his mum and he started taking slower breaths until he finally stopped...

I don't know what to say, I might not even be feeling the real pain yet, as I am so distracted with the funeral and all the received condolences. I can't believe I will never see him again.

I got so attached to his friends and family, and I'm so afraid they will abandoned me, although they seem really fancy me too (mother's boyfriend said she would go to my wedding when I found another man...) ... I don't want to be alone again (in terms of support), I've dealt with so much by myself ... At the same time is hard looking to his brother because he is so similar, something that scares my heart.

waiting for some comforting or wise words for this moment and the feelings yet to come... 

Oh hunny ...

So so sorry ... but you were there for him and his mum .. now you feel like you've lost the family too ...

I'm sure if you live close they may still keep in touch ... l know everything looks bleak right now .. we all feel a bit lost / confused / angry and sad when we loose someone we love ... it's part of the grieving ..

If you get desperate then call the Samaritans ... go to your G.p ... get help from anywhere .. you see we all get really low on here at times .. wer all dealing with having cancer or caring for someone with cancer... your not alone ... wer all just trying to do the best we can ... 

Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie x

Hello agan.  I am so sorry; although in recent posts you clearly knew it was coming faster and faster nothing prepares you for such an unfairness in life.  I don't think for a moment that his family will abandon you - there  has been too much between you for that to happen and you have always got on well.  I have been both saddened and impressed by your posts over the months; but you have been steadfast and honest.  Don't look too far ahead - just keep up with the things that need to be done and take it as it comes.  It is a horrible blow for you but I feel you will ride with the pain in your always open way.  The biblical quote "Well done my good and faithful servant" comes to mind even if the language is a bit fancy and in no way are you a servant but I think you understand what I mean.   Annie