Hi,

I just read your message on the other page where you mention you received no replies and you think this is not the place to continue. Obviously if you have made the decision to leave this cancer forum its your decision but I just wished to say that because you posted under 'Ask the Nurses' I personally woulod neber have read your post as I don't read the messages under the 'Ask the Nurses' section purely because I'm not a Nurse and I feel my reply would not be qualified so I would imagine had you posted on the other pages I'm sure at some point you would have received some kind and helpful replies from others. Also with it being a Bank Holiday weekend many people are just simply busy and would eventually sit down and read messages and reply. I have only just sat down myself to catch up on here.....I am my Mum's full time carer, my Mum has recently been diagnosed with incureable (hate that word!) lung cancer and the whole weekend from Thursday onwards has been one problem after another, I just simply haven't had the time or heart to log onto the internet really until now.

I too have found some of my posts don't always get a reply or maybe just the odd one, but I don't read too much into it as I think perhaps people can't think of a reply or maybe I just posted at the wrong time when not many people are here but then you could receive the most kindest response and it makes such a difference.

Having read your post firstly I am deeply sorry to hear you have gone through cancer twice yourself, I hope now you are progressing as well as you can be and having plenty of support. So sorry to read of your friend's daughter, life can be so cruel and it must be a hellish time for them all. What a predicament to be in, wishing and willing your daughter to take treatment but also not wishing to forec or impose your own views when she has decided to take another pathway. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do but personally if I were you I would have a general chat with your friend's daughter, offer support and advice and explain the options available to her from your own experience but tell her that ultimately the end decision is hers and she will be supported no matter what she decides, because after all when it's all said and done only the person going through the actual journey can make that decision on their own wishes. You could share with her how desparately worred and concerned everyone is over her treatment and all her Mum wishes is for her to recover again. Maybe she could talk to a cancer therapist or support worker and both her and her Mum could discuss with someone else their thinking and feelings. Its impossible for you to say "I would do this" because it has to be her decision but offering her advice, your own experiences and giving her support is the most kindest thing in that situation. Its so difficult. I would guess that she already knows that without treatment her life could be less than if she were to take conventional treatment, but having said that sometimes the side affects of conventional treatment can reduced someone's life or could cause other serious problems, there are no guarantees. You sound a lovely person to ask on behalf of someone else, you must be valued for your friend to reach out to you. I hope it goes as well as it can.

I hope you stay here. I'm here if you ever need a chat. Take care.

Jane x

I actually started a reply before seeing that it was posted in Ask the Nurses and then decided not to continue as I am no expert and as it is a medical question, I did not want to give information that might be inaccurate in a section where I assume people are looking for medical advice from people with some qualifications in the area.

In your position, what I would do is to talk about your own experience. Rather than telling her what she should do or that she will die, you could phrase it as "as you know, I went through breast cancer twice and I am really grateful to be here today, which I might not be if I had not had access to *insert whatever treatment you had*".

I don't think you would be interfering in another woman's decision. You'd just be giving her information that might help her make an informed decision. At the moment, she might be overwhelmed with various information and reacting without thinking (or she may have done her research and made her decision, in which case you might not be able to change her mind but I don't see any harm in giving her the specific information you have and those who have not gone through breast cancer do not).

She might welcome the chance to talk with somebody who has gone through it themselves, even if she doesn't want your advice about treatment. Just to talk to somebody who has actually experienced it and knows how she feels might help. I'd approach it from that angle. "Really sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It sucks, doesn't it? You know I've been through it twice, so if you want to ask anything about my experience, feel free. I know everybody's experience is different and of course, you should listen to your doctors as what helped me might not work for you, but what I found helpful was... I am really glad I had access to such a treatment..."

Hello 

I am sorry we didn't respond to you sooner but the nurse team at Cancer Research UK work from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday and don't work on UK Bank Holidays.  I hope you found the responses from the other members of the community helpful. 

What a difficult situation your friend and her family are in. I can fully appreciate how worried your friend must be, as there is no evidence that following an alternate therapy route has any impact on cancer survival.  But some people in situations like this react by trying to take control in any way they can of what is happening to them, and sometimes this might be by saying no to conventional treatment and taking a different path.  This can be very difficult for those around them to deal with, who perhaps can see that their choices will not lead them to the best outcome.

You do have the right to offer to talk to her about your own experience. I would not consider this as interfering with her choice, it is more about helping her to make a fully informed choice.  At the moment her perception of conventional treatment might be worse than the reality. If you can share your experience with her she might see that although not easy, it is quite possible to get through conventional treatment.  She might also be feeling at the moment that no one is listening to her, so taking the soft and gentle approach as you describe might be very helpful for her.  I can see that MargaretMary and ChrissyJ have given you some useful suggestions. 

What ever she decides to do it will be her decision, so if you do decide to speak to her and she still decides to turn down conventional treatment and take alternative therapies don't feel that you have failed.  What ever else happens I am sure she will value the fact that you have listened to her and offered her your experience to try and help her through this.

Take care

Martin  

VioletGirl 

I haven't been on here for a few weeks,and just saw your post .

Sorry to read youve had cancer twice,and that your friends daughter has  cancer . Your friend must be so upset at her daughters decision to not have conventional treatments like lumpectomy, chemotherapy  radiotherapy, letrazole  etc, and reaching out to you to help her daughter change her mind is perhaps your friend's last resort to try to change her daughters mind, and hopefully save her life. 

It's not an easy decision for anyone to make facing cancer, and it's treatments. I do think the fear of the operation on her breasts, the worry of what her breasts will look like after surgery,the pain and all the complications that could occur,or may not occur is probably scaring  your friends daughter so much, thst she's decided not to go ahead with any of the treatments thinking she will take her chances of how long she can live pain free ,with  her normal looking breasts , by taking the cb oil for the pain. 

Bless her she must be sooooo petrified of all the treatments that was offered to her.  

My advice to you although it's a difficult thing for you to do,is talk it over with your friend, explain how your feeling about it all,and say you will try to reach out to her daughter,but you must respect whatever her daughter decide to do after you talking with her.

I'd start to reach out to the daughter by saying that her mother is so worried that by refraining from the treatments offered to her  that she will lose her daughter .

Explain that you understand her fears and worry about everything and  the treatments  are scary , but not half as bad as she's imagined them to be.And tell her that the surgeons that preform these breast operations are all cosmetically trained and are experts in thier field, ( my lumpectomy was amazing ,I'm so pleased with my breast,it looks so good,you wouldn't know I'd had one,apart from a small dent near my armpit where all my lymph nodes.were removed). .

Explain about the chemotherapy that irs not as bad as shes imagined the anti sickness pills you take before are amazing that they really do work , that yes its tiring,but its zapping the cancer cells,killing them off,  and that the radiotherapy  is done weeks after chemotherapy, just to make sure no cancer  cells  are missed. Tell her everyone who has to go through this is petrified, but most of us who go through it, live on for many years after and are so grateful that they took the oncologist advice  and went ahead with all treatments that were offerd. But end the conversation with the daughter by saying ,but it is your life,  your  body  and I respect that it's your decision to make,but really think long and hard before you rule all treatments out, as  you may regret it.

I know all of that will be hard to say or do,but I think if you dig deep within yourself,what ever you decide to do,if its to speak with your friends daughter or not, your decision that you make , will sit right  with you.

Good luck with evetything, and I wish you well too.X

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