This is really hard to write about as my Dad has Prostate cancer which has spread to his bones and lungs , he also has stage 4 kidney failure and today after the GP paid a visit his liver is enlarged as he’s in pain , we have Oxynorm and long tech pain killers for him but they don’t seem to work as I thought . I’m currently at my parents house trying to sleep in my old bedroom from when I was a teenager - I’m 53 , Dads 84 and Mums 79 , she requires a 25% bowel removal as she too may have cancer as they’ve discover high risk tissue after a biopsy .
Its got extremely difficult over the last week as my elder brother has returned back to the Far East where he works , the number 2 son has also got some issues ie prostate cancer and then there’s me number 3 son with my younger brother number 4 son , he’s got a few issues too which he needs to keep under control due to his stressfully job .
I suppose that’s a background of what’s happening but what’s going on in my head is a constant nightmare , I can hearDad in pain through the wall and I’m in a mess , I try not to show it but inside I’ve collapsed , imploded , I’m broken . I’ve spoken to my GP and she gave me tablets yesterday but it’ll take a few weeks for them to get into my system .
Seeing my father in pain and hearing him makes me wish he goes to sleep tonight and doesn’t wake up in the morning , I don’t want him to suffer any more as it looks like he could be like this for weeks , it’s horrible to think this way but I’m so emotionally ripped apart that I’ve thought about just going home but I know that is the wrong thing to do , I need to stay here for Dad and to help Mum . I gave him his meds at 9 and I was fingers crossed hoping he’d be settled but it’s 1 hr 20 min of listening to every sound .
Writing this may help me short term but when I hit send I’ll go back to wide eyes and ears open listening for my name to be called to go and help .
Is this a normal way to feel , how do I get on with it and deal with the sights I’m seeing ?