Dad's dying and I don't know how to support him and Mum

My Dad, and best friend, is dying of mesothelioma and a second lung cancer. He's home now and being supported by hospice nurses, district nurses and gp who are all trying. But he puts a front on with them and says he's OK but he isn't. He's getting very stroppy with me and Mum, obsessing about irrelevant things, and there's not one else to help. I'm bi-polar and he's always dragged me through my bad times and now I'm letting him down by not being able to drag him through this.  Has anyone been through this and can say how long he'll be like this? He#s having no treatment, it's all too late. The GP said it wouldn't be long, but what does that even mean?

  • Welcome to the forum Susie although I'm sorry for the reason you are posting.

    I know you're looking for others that may been in a similar situation so I just wanted to put you in touch with [@jules54]‍. I hope she doesn't mind me tagging her in this post but as her husband had mesothelioma I think she may be able to help you prepare for what is to come.

    I've also included some general information we have on our website about what to expect in the last weeks and days so you know what signs to look out for. This can be quite a difficult read so do try and have someone with you when you go through it.

    I hope this helps and I wish you and your family the very best at this difficult time.

    Kind regards, 

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Hello, 

    I'm very sorry about your Dad. 

    I know it's hard to maybe deal with any moods or stroppiness he has but if I was you I'd just leave him to it. I'm sure deep down he doesn't mean it and a lot of it is probably down to frustration and all the things that are probably going through his mind. Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do for your Dad apart from support him and help him as best you can. 

    I'm guessing your Dad's current care is classed as 'hospice at home.' This is what my Dad had last year. He had nurses coming in throughout the day to help change the bed (hospital bed) and wash him etc. He was allowed 2 night sits a week where someone would sit with him all night whilst my mum had a decent nights sleep upstairs. Has your Dad got any of the end of life symptoms? My Dad slowly started getting some of the symptoms about 6 weeks before he died and gradually more came along. My Dad died about 6 weeks after his 'hospice at home care' started. So I can't answer you with regards to how long he may have, the best person to ask is the main nurse dealing with your fathers care. It could be weeks or it could be months depending on his deteoriation. 

  • Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you went through this too.  It is awful but we're just taking one day at a time now. You take care of yourself. Thanks again. x

  • Hi Steph,

    Thank you for your reply. I've had a read through and it all sounds very familiar. We're just taking one day at a time for now. Thanks again. 

    S x 

  • Hi Susie

    I have just picked up on your thread having been 'tagged' by Moderator Steph (no problem at all).

    The mood swings are really difficult to handle aren't they?  Please do not beat yourself up about how much or how little you are able to cope with. You are doing all you can in very difficult circumstances and coping on a day to day basis is what I did for the three years my hubby had Mesothelioma.

    The forum provided a great place for me to 'relieve the stress' when I struggled to understand especially as the final weeks approached.  There is no 'given' as to timelines andfrom my own personal experience the doctors/community nurses do their best to support with approximations. I, along with my adult children just spent as much time as possible with my hubby/their Dad as his condition deteriorated. I hope your Dad's pain levels are being controlled well and if you wish to chat am happy to respond.

    Be kind to yourself when time allows.  Jules54