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Dad's been given less than 12 months and is in denial

Eleanor_H
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Hi All,

My dad has advance prostate cancer - it's in the lymphs, spine, skull and now theres a shadow on the liver. He's been told bythe Doctors how long he's got, but I think the trauma of it has made him forget.

He's not living his life, or spending his hard-eraned savings enjoying life doing bucket-list stuff, as he thinks he's going to need his money in 15-20 years. There's a total disconnect with what he's being told and how he's living his life.

There's still a lot he wants to do, but won't spend the money doing it.

I can't bring myself to tell him the truth if this is his way of dealing with it, but by the same time, me and my sister aren't getting to make any memories. And I know in 6-12 months he's going to be bed-ridden and realzing he's wasted his time, as then he really will be too ill to go and do his bucket-list stuff.

So what do I do, let him deal with it his way, or try and get through to him. And if the latter, how do you even go about doing that?

Thanks for anyone's thoughts, in advance :)

 

 

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    I feel denial is normal under the circumstances with my sis there are days when she's 'normal' whatever it means these days we go on collective denial pretending all is good. Guess it's different for everyone. Letting him be isn't that good of an advice right? What's ur dad like before the big c?

    Sandy xx

  • Offline in reply to sandy.w
    Thanks for your reply. I've been reading about denial and Macmillan say prolonged denial *could be a problem. It's hard to reconcile it's his life to be in denial about, but for the rest of us who are going to be left, seeing him not utilise his time doing what he'd like to be doing, means we're going to be left with the memory of being frustrated and then sad when he realises in 6 months he can't go home to New Zealand and buy a house there. He was born there and moved over in the 1950s. He told me he has a real calling to go back. If he had a 2 week window and would pay to fly business class (cancer in spine means he's in too much pain sitting upright), there's a possibility he could actually go. But he thinks it's inconceivable to spend that kind of money on airfare. Even though he's got it. I know he will regret it. And be vocal about his regrets when the time comes. It's heartbreaking knowing what's coming, for someone who won't make the best of it...... He's always been a procrastinator- but in recent years I've been his plus one and encouraged him to do stuff he didn't wanna do on his own before. I just feel he's wasting his time- as today is the best he's ever going to be......
  • Offline in reply to Eleanor_H
    Hi Very sorry to hear about how things are going for your dad, if your dad has been through all the tests and treatments, in years gone by and been to see consultants doctors nurses, then I have more than an idea that he has known for a long time of his ailing condition. We all want to live as long as possible, have you ever considered that he may have yours and your sisters well being in his thoughts, he may know more than what you think and is just not spending because of this. Your doing the best you can at the moment and I am certain he's loving you helping him just keep doing what your doing, if your dad has an idea see if it's doable he may surprise you. Just be there for him, I know I would want family near me. Hope you sort things out, best of luck all our thoughts go with you and your dad.
  • Offline in reply to Eleanor_H

    I understand ur pain and hope u find a way

    Sending a big virtual hug ur way x

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    Hi,

    That's a tricky one. As you rightly say there are two things which may be going on here. Either he is in denial OR he doesn't accurately recall what was said to him by the consultant. I read somewhere that patients often forget over 60% of the facts they are told if they are under stress - which is why a consultation should be backed up by a Care Plan which contains the diagnosis, prognosis and the agreed care package. If you Dad hasn't yet been given a copy of his Care Plan - you could contact his Consultant's Medical Secretary and ask when he should expect to receive a copy. If this will be at his next appointment, try to be with him and ask questions on his behalf and write the answers down as they are given to you. 

    I hope you get through to him before it is too late for that trip to NZ (one of my favourite spots on this planet - revisiting is high on my own bucket list) :-)

    Best wishes
    Dave
     

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    Show him all these messages darlin, show him what you and your family feel and what all the advice is? Xxx much love xxx

  • Offline in reply to shell7

    Rather than presenting the ide as a bucket list item for him, could you buy a guide book, look into travel details, and tell him how much you want to go to NZ with him?

    Try to make it seem like it's about you. Don't let him think of cost, let him tell you if he thinks he could manage the journey and enjoy himself there. Get him excited about it (or try to) and tell him that you want to do it now, before practical things get in the way.

    Tell him you will save up to repay the cost to him if he needs the money in the future, because this is something you want to do with him.

    It might not work, but telling him that he's got less than12 months to go when he doesn't want to know is pretty harsh, and so is wondering about future regrets. I really feel for you, it's tough.

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    Hi, I was only intending to read some of the messages on these forums for my own support rather than post anything myself, but this has caught my attention and I can't stop myself from replying to you. Please please please talk to him about it. I know it's a really difficult situation for you but you will regret not making these memories will you can. My dad was diagnosed with neuro endocrine cancer in August 2015 and passed away in June 2016, he was also in denial. But the worst part was, I believed him. I thought he would make it and went away to university.. only for him to pass away suddenly at home, and I didn't make it back in time to say goodbye. He was my best friend and I didn't see it coming, it has destroyed me. I will always regret not spending more time with him and making those all important memories in his last year. So please, don't make the mistake I did and use this time while you can. All the love and sympathy, Debbie. X
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    Hi Eleanor, I've sent you a friend request so we can message privately. My dad died of advanced prostate cancer a few months ago. Treat everyday like it's the last one x

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    hi my mum got diagnosed with terminal cancer on 23rd dec , she was given around 3 months on 9th jan , shes still with us but to is in denial , she dont talk about the cancer , she is 85 but apart from a little short term memory loss she is fine in mind shes now under 4 and 1?2 stone but refuses to lie in bed , and accept shes dying , she has oesophagus cancer and pancreas and kidney cancer a little  , she has been told 3 times but i dont think she wants to accept what is happening , i think its nice for her in a way that she doesnt have to deal with lots of emotional feelings , me on the other hand am a reck not being able to talk about stuff and the cancer to her ,  , im only child and my dad passed away 8 years ago so all on my shoulders , i can only go along with her wishes as she talks about coming to my house chrismas and holidays . everyone copes in different ways i guess this is your dads and my mums way of coping , big hugs , message me whenever u need to xx

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