Hi Gonefishing 

Your post really struck a chord with me because my Mum died only three weeks after diagnosis. What a shocker, hey? I am so sorry that this has happened to your lovely Dad and you and your family. Really heartbreaking to read your post. You must have been still trying to come to terms with the diagnosis...never mind losing your Dad :( 

I don’t have any experience of a syringe driver but...as awful as it sounds, I was glad (not exactly...can’t think of another word) that my Mum was taken suddenly before she could start aggressive treatment and anything along the lines of palliative sedation. I knew she was going to be taken by cancer...I just didn’t want her suffering for months and months under sedation (it was going that way - she was terminal with extensive cancer spread in both lungs, liver and likely elsewhere according to her consultant when I spoke to them) with no quality of life. I wanted her to have dignity in dying and so would she...she was a very proud woman. Also...purely from a selfish point of view...I would have found it very hard to see her like that...feeling helpless and having to watch her go from how she was in life (so vibrant) to nothing :( 

I have a religious belief that doesn’t support Euthanasia...but I have to say that I am deeply conflicted about this. I always have been. My spiritual leader has made it quite clear that palliative sedation is acceptable...but not euthanasia (or assisted dying).  All I know is that I would want a loved one to have dignity in their final days...to me...well I could not see my mum wanting to be under sedation, what with her being so dignified in her life  xx and so I guess I will have to remain conflicted about this. 

I am a few years on from losing my Mum and I can tell you that time really is a great healer and things will get better for you xx just have to go with it...don’t worry about how you should or shouldnt be feeling right now xx 

Hello reading your post i felt i had to respond in the hope i could in some way help you with your feelings at this dreadful time of loss for you . 

My late husband had a shocking diagnosis of Cancer of the tongue at the age of 45,he was a non smoker and non drinker ,habits often associated with this form of Cancer. He was a fit,healthy and active teacher and a father of three children,a lovely husband and family man.

His only initial sympton was an ulcer on his tongue that would not heal .Following a biopsy he started treatment ,radio therapy and chemotherapy ,both had a devastating affect on him ,in the 9 months from his initial diagnosis he lost his speech,his weight went down to under 8 stone from 13 stone ,the tumour was so aggressive that despite a reduction in its size it began to grow again as soon as the treatment stopped . 

We decided for him to not go to a hospice where end of life care was offered but  for him to come home to be with us his family .

He thank fully had a syringe driver ,initially he was able to control it himself administering the Morphine  as he needed it ,this was good ,it gave him pain relief and an important element of control in his life and what was happening to him. As he could not speak he wrote ,his diary is very precious to me as it shows how he was feeling about things as well as communications between him,me and the children and him in his dying weeks . He expressed very positive thoughts about his  syringe driver and felt very grateful to be able to have it at home. 

Yes he became more sleepy ,less agitated ,but he was not in pain,his breathing became less difficult and he then could no longer self administer and a graded dose was administered by the syringe driver.

He had the syringe driver at home for almost three months ,we saw him very slowly dissapear before our eyes ,i was with him 24/7 i was very grateful for the syringe driver as was my husband ,knowing he had no pain ,

He became more and more sleepy,the day he no longer could grip my hand or those of our childrens i knew he was going into a deeper state os sleep ,i know he could hear and believe to this day he could hear us all, right up to his last breaths. 

Without the syringe driver my husband would not have had a pain free last few weeks of his life,he would not have been so at peace with the process of dying within himself ,he would have suffered .

You asked about other`s opinions of syringe drivers ,i can only speak of my experence and how both my husband and i felt about it ,

You say you felt using a syringe driver was a "slow inhumane " way of dying for me i felt it was a slow humane way of dying ,howver in saying that my husband wrote he wanted to spend as much time as he possibly could at home with us all ,he was desperate to be with his children ,he even wrote in three books he asked me to buy for his future Grand children a sentence each gifting them to his yet unborn Grand children from himself ,bearing in mind his own children were all still at school and one at university . That is how much he did not want to die despite him knowing he was,we had so many plans for the future .

Our children like you witnessed their father dying ,i woke them on the sunday morning when i could see his breathing was very irregular ,we all sat on his bed and watched him take those last few gentle breaths ,he died peacefully,without pain with his beloved family there ,if a death has to be then this was the way it should be . 

One of my husband`s wishes was that on his death i should buy a syringe driver for our local hospital in his memory ,he was so grateful for the one he had ,they had limited supply for patient`s at home .This i did in his name and hoped other`s could choose to go home if they wanted ,who did not want hospice care with the knowledge they would not be in pain having this device.

This all happened 25 yrs ago now ,i do  as do my now grown up children remember all that happened ,you will never forget ,but please be ressured your father`s death would have been a very different one with out his syringe driver ,however hard it was for you seeing him slowly die he died without pain ,that is important to hold onto always .

As to Euthenasia ,i believe we should have it available in this country to those who choose this ,i would choose this way of dying if i knew i was going to die ,despite all i have said to you about my late husband`s choice . 

I have remarried,have as i say three grown up children now with families of their own ,i have 8 wonderful Grand Children so have a lot to live for ,but that would be my personal choice if i had a terminal diagnosis.

I will later talk to you about coping with loosing a much loved father ,my children were 14,17 and 21 at the time of loosing their Dad if it would perhapd help ?

Hi [@starcatone]‍ 

I really appreciate your response. I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your mother. Losing a parent is the hardest this i've had to go through. I do question whether it would have been less hard if he has passed away suddenly? Seeing him deterioate so quickly over just 3 days was really tough for him and the family. I just wish the medication was more controllable, so that he could speak to us. I am not questioning the doctors that administered it at all as he was in so much pain, he couldn't live with it. As long as he passed without pain, which i now beleive that he did, that makes me feel a little better, It's the first time anyone close to me has been effected by cancer and until you experience that situation, it really is hard to explain to people.

Thank you for your thoughts. Take care.

Hi [@shrubbery]‍ 

Your story is so very heartbreaking and powerful. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband 25 years ago. It sounds like he was a good man who had his family at heart. Very much like my father.

The fact that he was able to write struck a chord as that what i wanted my father today but he went from being able to communicate fully to not being able to communicate at all as soon as the driver was administered. This is heartbreaking to me as it was as if his sole had gone even though physically he was still breathing.

There is no question that the driver helped my dads pain as the cancer was so powerful that he was unable to live with it any longer. I just wish there was a way to manage the pain but at the same time, enable him to talk, drink and eat. A long shot i know.

My father believed in Euthenasia and i beleive that people who are sane enough to do so should be able to make that choice. 

I very much appreciate your response and advice. It's time like these that the good people really shine through.

Hello again ,i cannot even begin to think how shocking it was for you to have such a dramatic loss of communication with your father ,from being able to communicate to not ,in such a short space of time, For you it must have been like loosing your Dad but still having him there but not there . Towards the end of my husbands life i felt as if we had lost the essence of him ,his soul as you describe ,it was a gradual loss to a point where it is almost as if it is the bodily shell of them not the actual person. 

For us it was a slow gradual process of us letting go of him and he of us ,so what you experienced must have been very shocking and painful for you . Again all i can think of saying is the morphine used in the syringe driver is essentially for pain relief but with that cognitive ability is affected,eating,drinking and breathing difficulties are eased . All the things your Dad needed to help him ,that is what you muct hold onto . I know if he believed in Euthenasia it was very definatley the right choice for him ,that has to be your comfort despite your heart break .

Now and of course it is such early days for you ,you will go over and over in your mind all your feelings,loss,regret,anger,disbelief a confusing  mis -.mash of exhausting almost constant draining grief .You will get lots of advice on how to cope from many well meaning people ,sometimes you will not want anyone eventalking to you let alone advising or trying their best to comfort you . I would like to share advice with you on how we all coped and are still coping all these years later but of course it may not be your way . Just say if you want me to share our coping story . 

You have already made a good start by just sharing your feelings .

Carole.

Hello

My lovely Mum was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer on 2nd Jan 2018 and died on 31st Jan 2018, so very quick and very agressive. Mum had very few signs and symptoms other than indigestion like symptoms and back pain.  Mum wanted to die at home and we nursed Mum at home with the help of   McMillan and family GP. Mum was fitted with Syringe driver on the 19th Jan to which her response was " I can see this is going to be a bind"...Mum was very practical and felt the driver was an inconvenience but it was essential in managing the pain and also terminal agitation and anti- sickness. . Mum was still talking 48 hours before she passed, it was only really the last day that Mum was uncommunicative.  Mum did stop eating and drinking around 21st Jan which was the day she lost her ability to walk which was the final blow to Mum as she was a walker and could not accept that she could not walk to the bathroom!  It was such a painful experience watching our Mum fade away but we could not save her..only try to make her comfortable and we beleive the driver helped us on this journey.  

Hi [@Jenlou]‍ [@Bonnie70]‍ [@starcatone]‍ It's the early hours of christmas morning and i'm unable to sleep so i thought i'd come on here as it helps me to express myself.

Dad's funeral was on the 6th of December and during the funeral and up until now, i have been surprisingly strong. Tonight it feels like it has hit me as hard as ever, i used to go and see him every christmas morning and it was just me and him, we'd have a chat toghether about life, he'd have a whisky and i'd have a beer. People around me have been brilliant but no-one can understand the feeling of losing a parent unless you have been through it yourself, it turns your life upside down. It really hits home when i have worries, i just want him to be here to talk to and he was a very straight down the line and wise man and when he advised me on life situations, it struck a chord and his words helped me a lot. I just wish he was still here to talk to. The line 'i'd give anyhting to have my father back' didn't truley resonate with me until i lost him, now i'd give up everything to talk to him one last time. I'm supposed to be have Christmas dinner with family & in-laws tomorrow (not from my Dads side) and i just feel like i want to be on my own all day as putting on a brave face infront of people just doesn't feel right. I'll be brave for Dad as that's what he would have insisted on me doing, family was everything to him.

I hope you all have a peaceful Christmas day, remembering the good times with all the loved ones that are no longer with us. It's good to speak to people who have been in a similar situation and i'm sure you can all relate to the feelings i'm going through.

Take care,

Richard 

Hello Richard; just thought I would drop in and say hello.  I had been following your conversations with others here and was pleased you were getting some help.  This must be a very hard day for you; good on you for going to spend the day with family.  I am sure it won't be easy but whatever you do today it is going to be difficult - but it is good  you have family who care for you even if you are not really feeling up to it.   Not sure who will be able to get to post on this forum today so am just saying "Hi".  Annie

Hi Richard 

so sorry I wasn’t around when you posted. 

How are you feeling today? Did you manage to get through Christmas Day with your family and in laws? 

Putting on a brave face is very difficult...I wonder if it’s worth considering not doing that...even if just for a bit. You’ve been through a terrible time and are grieving....so not being ok is completely acceptable. 

I know you say your Dad would have wanted you to put on a brave face but...you describe him as a very wise and straight talking kind of guy (I love those kind of people!) - perhaps, being so wise and knowledgeable...he may have told you to go easy on yourself and not put pressure on yourself to pretend everything’s ok when it’s not xx 

The way you describe your Christmas morning with your Dad really touched my heart xx There will come a time when you can remember that without it being so painful....wow.....what a gorgeous Christmas memory you have been left with xx that really is very special. 

Well...only a few more days of December to go and then things will settle down again after the silly season. 

I hope you’re doing OK. Please do come back here whenever you need a chat xx 

Hi [@Annieliz]‍ [@starcatone]‍ 

I really appreciate your responses, thank you.

Christmas day was strange but it wasn't sad. I was surrounded by a lot of happy people who helped me, It only really hits me when i stop and think about him. i am getting stronger by the day but i do have my moments. 

Today, someone i know lost his mother, he has already lost his father and he is only my age (34). It bought it all back for me. Grief is so strange, one minute i'm getting on with life with a smile on my face and then all of a sudden it hits me. It was my birthday on Monday and soon as it struck midnight i instantly thought of Dad. I just still can't really believe he's not here. It so raw, i can picture him vivdly now sitting in his chair chatting to me. I miss that man. 

We scattered his ashes on saturday at his favourite fishing spot on saturday and that was a special moment as that's where he wanted to be. 

I hope you all had a lovely christmas. I'm also here if you guys need to let off some steam.

Thank you