Hi there ...

So sorry your going through this heartbraking time ... cancer sucks ... esp after loosing your mum in such a crule way ...

Surely if your employers know your dad has such a short time, they'd give you compassionate leave ... we can get another job, we can't get another dad ... I can only say what I'd do ... as I've lost both my parents in my 30s ... I'd give anything just to see them for one more day .... 

But you have to do what your heart says ... what ever you decide, don't look back with regret. . But there is middle ground here ... take a couple of weeks leave, and no mater how much work needs you , your dad needs you more ...  and you can do a lot in two weeks ... talk, hold his hand, share a few tears ... and hugs ... make a lifetime of memories in those two weeks ... 

You have to live with your decision ... look into your heart ... the answer is there ...

Chrissie x

Hello Jones712 and welcome.  So sorry about  your dad, b.....y cancer.  You have to make a decision here.  You don't mention whether you have any brothers and sisters or who is caring for him.  I am guessing that your dad is at home?    Can you take occasional flying visits - again I don't know the transport links between your and your dad's homes. If this was supplemented with perhaps Skype calls would that fit the bill?  Of course if there are no other siblings to support/love/care for him I can understand your distress.    Well, I understand your distress anyway even if there are others in the family.  I agree with Chrissie and feel that if don't get to see your dad as much as you can you will regret it but of course we canot tell you how to organise your life.  When my dad died some years ago now we were 300 miles apart and I was driving back and forth at weekends (sometimes I took the luxury of a train) and I found it all stressful but then everything in this kind of situation is stressful.

I don't know if any of this helps but feel free to come back and chat.  Best wishes.  Annie

Hi, Annie, yeah I have a brother but he lives 250 miles away aswell so he can't help either. I has to tell him the news which was so difficult. Yeah dad is still at home but not sure for how long as he doesn't want to die at home he wants to go to st Michael's hospice, I have mixed feelings about that. DNR has also been mentioned again mixed feelings. I know I'm going to dread going to his after, I can't even bare the thought of going back into his house at the moment without him been there. I've rang work and told them the deal n I've said if I have to go I have to go, just the financial side of things then. This just seems so unreal still. 

When he first got diagnosed he said he would fight this and win. Just that's never going to happen now. He's to ill to have chemo now, tbh honest looks quite poorly. He's still got a sense of humour tho. It makes me forget he's ill, then I remember again. I know next year I'm going to loose my dad and it's so painful nearly crying now. 

Xxxx

Hi again; you must be feeling absolutely torn and stressed out.  Can your brother and yourself take turns to do flying visits on, say, alternate weekends (maybe travel out one day and return the next)?  I realise I am glibly glossing over the cost of doing this apart from anything else which is why I suggested Skype or similar (if your dad is up to using this). Are you able to do your work online from somewhere other than your employer's premises or does it require you to be physically there?   Are there any definite plans yet for your dad to go to the hospice you mention?  It is strange isn't it that we know in theory that our parents are likely to do die before we do but at the same time we can never really contemplate them not being around.    Who is keeping an eye on him at the moment; is he able to get round the house to get drinks and food for himself?  Sorry, I do ask a lot of questions but they all are relevant to your dad's situation.  When you do lose your dad you don't want to be carrying extra sorrow because you did not stretch every nerve to make his last months easier.  The last time I saw my dad (he was in hospital) I didn't think he was going to die and half expected him to go back home (well, at the home of his ladyfriend - my mum had died some years earlier - cancer again) but in fact he went down quickly; fortunately my sister - who also lived a long way away - was there at the time.  I only mention this to show that you cannot assume anything in this situation.   I am only trying to prompt you to formulate a plan that you can live with and I do realise how horrendous and difficult the whole situation is.  Annie

I don't get 2 days off together just the way my shifts go,  I work in a busy big supermarket, so very hands on. I'm a manager so a lot more responsibility, it's not as easy to just drop and go it needs to be planned somewhat. Yes he defiantly wants to go into a hospice,  my grandad died of cancer at home n he does not want the same. It's strange he's seems so active still,  he's going up n down the stairs,  feeding himself showers, etc....ok he's not running a round looks ok,  but ill at the same time.  He cant drive at the mo which is the biggest thing,  hopefully get his licence back end of Dec,  that's his independence, but all his motivation had gone,  i can't get him out the house he cant be arsed. He's loosing his appetite tho which h is concerning, we had fish n chips together for the first time the other night in 6 yrs as he was a diabetic he's not eathen that since  that diagnosis. I'm panicking about not been there,  when it's time.  It's horrible n I really don't want to be but I really do.  I think it will haunt me forever but he's my dad I got 1 I need to be there. I'm supposed to be going back today 250 I'm dreading it,  I cry most of the way home normally. It's a horrible feeling leaving him.  Although he doesn't me up here all the time,  he doesn't want to become a spectacle he keeps saying,  no fussing, I've tried n tried to hey him out the house for a car drive but he just won't. He's so depressed it's so upsetting, he's becoming with drawn, I so hoping once he gets his licence back he'll go out again.  Not sure it will tho.  I know I'm rambling now,  just writing thoughts as I think 

Xxxx

Hello again.  I don't mean to be giving you a hard time - I just want you not to have regrets later on.  Having said that, you might appreciate somebody else here chatting to you with their point of view so anybody else reading this would be welcome to join in!  A few thoughts:  have you sat down with your own line manager and explained the situation to him/her?  They have parents too and have almost certainly known of similarly difficult and heartbreaking situations in their own lives and amongst other employees.  They may be able to make some adjustments to the shifts in the short term - unless you ask them you won't know.    The other thing that occured to me was to wonder whether it was a physically practical idea to bring your dad to where you or your brother live.  The treatment could be transferred with out too much difficulty (I should imagine - you would need to talk to the medics caring for him).  I of course don't know the nature of your accommodation or whether you live with someone but imagine you would not mind a little inconvenience to enable you to have your dad close to you at this time.  I also realise he might not want to leave familiar territory but you could (a) drop the idea into conversation and leave it for him to think about and (b) check out hospices in your area.    Keep in touch.  Annie

Hey I lost my mum 2 months ago after a very short 4 month cancer battle. 

She was 60 and I too feel robbed of the memories that will never be such as her meeting my kids, seeing me turn 30 etc. It's completely normal to have these feelings but what I would say is don't waste the time you do have focused on the future, you must make the most of the time you have. 

Mum went into a hospice for her last 5 weeks and I got a sick line from the doctor so i could stay off work and spend every day in there with her and although it was devastating and most days we had a little cry and cuddle we spent so much time laughing, watching movies, sorting out her things, granting her last wishes, saying everything that needed to be said and now I look back with absolutely zero regrets. Don't get me wrong I lost my best friend in the whole world and life is rubbish right now but I do feel content that there was NOTHING more I could have possibly done.

If you want a chat feel free to message me at anytime. Try take one day at a time and enjoy each moment you have with your dad. Xxx

My dad is now in hospital n has been for 2 weeks he won't be going home now, there isn't space at the hospice so we are staying here for now, but been told he might not be well enough to travel. The palliative nurse think it's just days now. He's sleeping alot now, he got very confused a few days ago apparently the meds he's on can do this and the poisons from the actual cancer. He's not said much today. I can't think of anything to say, I just sit by his bed all day just in case he needs me. I kinda didn't want th in in the hospice as it ment that's it. But now it's so close kinda hoped he would be in there just the reality of time is just so quick the days are flying by now. 10hrs doesn't seem long at all. I don't know what to think l. Work won't pay me sick they said unpaid leave buy I thought I could go sick n get statuary... don't know.  Xxx

I do know I'm scared for what's next. 

Hello Jones712; I am sorry your dad is now in hospital and unlikely to be able to move to a hospice.  I also feel for you at this terrible moment in time; I hope your father is comfortable and knows that you are there.  I had hoped that your employers would give y ou more leeway than they have done; how would they feel in your circumstances?  It is sickening how little employers like this care so little for the circumstances of their employees.  Do keep in touch and know that you are doing the best you possibly can.  Annie