Hi,

this is really the first time I have posted on a forum before but have always used them for advice on everything. I suppose I'm posting now because I don't know what else to do or where to turn. So here's my essay...

I'm a 26 year old mum of a lovely one year old son, a wife to a great husband and an only child to fantastic parents.I have just gone back to work in January after maternity leave so am re-learning work and the juggling of home life (baby, husband, housework, finances etc). 

My dad was diagnosed a couple of years back with bowel cancer and after having his bowel removed he has now been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He has had all the chemo he could have and is even on a trial drug but things have started to rapidly decline. He has had multiple fractured ribs from constant coughing I think and has a partial collapsed lung, pleurisy, influenza type b and severe breathlessness even on oxygen. They are now look/will take him off the trial drug due to how ill he has become with all the above so i feel we have now lost the last shread of hope, as small as it was. 

I feel like I've been so strong for so long with it all. I break each time something happens or I see him and can see he's worse than the last time I saw him but after, what I try to make very few private tears, I then suppress it all and don't talk much about how I feel because I have a dad, a mum and a son to be strong for. When I do talk about it, it's very pragmatic and factual, almost sounding cold but it's the only way I feel I have gotten this far without having a major breakdown. 

My grandma/dads mum passed away yesterday and now I feel like I'm about to completely fall apart. I want to grieve the lost of such an amazing lady but I know if I let myself think about it, it opens up some very large floodgates! 

Straight away I think about how my dad must be feeling about loosing her on top of everything that he's going though and how it must make him think even more about the inevitable. I think about how he must feel about leaving us, what happens to him next, what will the end be like, how long he will have left with us etc and it scares me that all this will be running though his mind and he's not the kind of person that would talk about it, which is where I probably get my coping mechanisms from. 

Second, I think about my one year old son. We decided to try for a baby around our wedding day as earlier that year he had been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and I wanted more than anything for my dad to meet his grandson. But now all I think about when I look at my son is how he will never really know the amazing man his grandad is. I was lucky to have had all my grandparents in my life up until my grandma being the last of them to pass on. It's one thing to show videos and photos and tell stories but I know it is in no way the same! There will be no taking him to football for the first time or picking him up from school and going to the sweet shop cheekily on the way home. It will all be tales of who he was and what our memories were, there will be none of his own. And then looking at it from my dads view, all the things he will miss and can't do now with him because he is to ill.

Third, my mum! Being an only child, the 3 of us are so close and my mum is everything to me! I know how much she is struggling with things as she is his carer day in day out. She now deals with the finances, housework, pets and looks after her grandson two days a week when she can. Went we 1st found out my dad had cancer, she didn't open up to me at all as she felt the need to protect me but all I did was then worry about her with was help for either of us. Now she is an open book with me which is great as I know she will tell me when she is feeling low and keeps me fully up to date on what is happening with dad/treatment/doctors etc. She has just started taking saint johns watt as she wasn't coping with it all and it's started to help. I'm worried about how she will be after and have already agreed with my husband that we are moving in for a couple of weeks for group support, distractions and mainly because I don't want her to go back to an empty house and/or shut me out again because she feels she has to be strong for me. I think it will help us being together and we can all chip in with the housework etc. 

Forth, I know my husband wants me to open up and have a good cry to try and help me deal with it all but I know if I do, I won't be able to stop all of the emotions that will come flooding out of me and I fear I won't be able to stop crying, I won't want to get up in the mornings or won't be able to sleep at night. Basically, I will loose myself to grief before i've even lost my dad. I can't these days even say the word 'Home' without my voice cracking. I dread leaving work to go home. Not because of my son or my wonderful husband but because my main distraction ends and my journey home and being at home give my brain the chance to throw in some of these thoughts mentioned into my head and it's then the battle not think about it. My husband is so great though! He's not trying to force it out of me, he helps out with everything to lighten the home life load as much as possible and puts up with me when I'm not even able to chat or crack a smile. The thing is, he's going though it to. It may now be his dad but I know he thinks of him that way as does my dad about him. So when does he get to cry or talk about it. I know he is the one I should be saying all this to but I start crying before I can even get a sentence out. And I think, do I want to tell him everything I'm thinking? I don't want to put more weight and worry on his shoulders. He's always said how proud he is of how strong I am but right now all of my strength has nearly gone and I'm not sure I can mentally, physically and emotionally hold on till my dad passes. 

I suppose to sum up this essay, I would appreciate any help or advice on one issue or as may as you can help with.

Lots of love,

Amy xx