Hello LillyStar, it's me again - I responded to your previous post.  I am concerned that you are not coping with your child and I think anyone who cares for you would be concerned also as you wouldn't normally be reacting in this way.  This makes it more important that you get some support for yourself.   Your son is very young but very likely wonders where his gran has gone too. How aware is your husband about your issues - is he out at work all day and is this when you are feeling at your lowest?  I don't know if you read this information about grief from the CRUK website so am attaching it.  You have to allow yourself space to grieve but get support where necssary.  It is still very early days so don't feel you should not be so upset.

www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../coping-with-grief

After my mum died I made a little space with a few things that were connected with her and also a candle which I used to light then I would set aside a small amount of time to think about her and the good times we shared.  I would light the candle and send little notes up to her by burning them.  It may sound strange but it calmed me and gave me a set time and place to commune with my mum.  Let the future take care of itself and just take things on a "now" basis.  Hoping that you find a way through this, and that thefuneral is not too difficult for you.  Annie

Hi Annie, thank you for you replies. Yes my husband works all day and comes home and doesnt want me balling every 2 mins. He lost his mum to cancer too. But i feel very alone my mum was my best friend i dont see anyone, my son doesnt go to nursery so i am with him at home all day. My close friends work all day and probably doesnt need me knocking at their door balling. My other family lives miles and miles away. So you see she has left a massive hole. I did speak to my husband that i am struggling but he didnt do to much. My lowest is when he is at work and when my son whinges and whines over the silliest thing like today when all his banana had gone and it just grates on me i am trying not grieve in front of him but it upsets me greatley as its only a banana!! I am looking at candles and i have been talking to her every day. I just cant accept im not going to see or speak to her anymore-this happened in a matter of 24 days from diagnosis. I struggle as i was with her and experienced the death rattle which haunts me every night (I dread sleeping as the sound and her and my experience of it keeps me up ) i end up so tired.

Hi again. Sadly - as you know - two years olds do make an enormous fuss about things and it is when you are at a low ebb that it can drive you nuts.  I can well remember when my son was two he would throw wobblies all over the place.  Thankfully they generally grow out of it.  I wondered if you had rung CBC - up to you and I only asked because I was watching a programme on TV about GPs and one bereaved patient said she had rung them but had to wait a few weeks before she could get the support .  And I thought "Oh dear, am I recommending people to CBC and then they are having to wait".  But I didn't know when the programme was first made - it was probably ages ago - and the woman  in question seemed quite happy to wait until her turn came as she knew she would be getting some help eventually.

If the weather wasn't so awful at the moment - it is snowing in London - I would suggest that you get out a bit.  Are there any One O'Clock club for mothers with young children - or any similar places - where you can take your son.  I know everything must seem so difficult at the moment but it would give your son something to occupy him and get you out of the house.  Or afternoon cinemas for mothers with young children.  You probably think I am crazy suggesting these things but I think it would be better for you than sitting at home so much.  As I have no doubt you have already realised your grief is going to be painful for some time; please don't think it would be an insult to your mum's memory for you and your son to take a break sometimes.  I am sorry you are still feeling distress over your mum's actual death and the death rattle and if you haven't rung CBC yet then you could always ring the nurses here (Freefone 0808 800 4040) and talk it through with them.

It would be nice to keep hearing from you about how things are going for you - but of course you don't have to do anything of the sort if you don't want to.  Best wishes.  Annie

Hi Annie, thank you for your support, i have indeed rung the CBC but no volunteers available i tried 5 times. Shall try again later. Its snowing here too. I feel like I have no energy or willingness to get dressed or put a face on these days. We have more events coming up soon and i dont feel like partying. This is so very painful.

Hi there lilly ... so sorry on loosing your mum , l remember it well , it turns your life upside down and life is never the same ... my heart goes out to you ...

 you are blessed to have a part of you and your mum in your son ... l cannot imagine how he is feeling at the moment ... what did your mum think of your baby ... I'm sure she'd ask you to look after him because she's not around to give him cuddles ... and you know why you feel so lost ...a 2 year old doesn't know why he feels sad , he just does ... and I'm sure he's doing things to at least get your attention even if it's negative. . At two they thrive on cuddles ... 

Please try and get some help quickly ... McMillan may help ... but if you don't find a way of grieving but in a balance way, I'm afraid your son will miss out on a wonderfull mummy ... it just takes baby steps by reaching out and saying you need help ... McMillan won't judge you ... big hug to you and your little man x

Hi  Chriss,

Mum adored him and he her. He has a much stronger bond with his father, sometimes i think he doesnt like me I think because I am the disiplinary. I will try the CBC again.

Thank You

Hi there again ... then please give him cuddles from his nanny ... children pick up "vibes" is there a little play group you could get him in to give you a little space ... your still in the raw part of grief ... but think of what your mum would say ... you know her well and how she would feel , you hurting so ... 

My mum was my best friend too ... and still miss her 28 years later ... but my mum would have told me too hold on and find the strength in my boys that she adored ... one day your baby will be your best buddy too if you hold his hand now , it's hard work with 2 year old but they grow so quickly ...  and remember your mum is in your heart forever and no one can take that away ... it's such a shame your husband isn't there for you right now but it probably brings back memories of the one he lost to cancer too ... let us know how you go ... x

Hello, I hope you don't mind me contacting you again - I usually let people decide when they want to talk to us.  How are you doing?  I don't like thinking of you stuck in your own sad world.  When I first read your "Why so quick?" post I noted how you had tried for such a long time  to have your son and what a treasure he is; it speaks a lot for your state of mind that you are having difficulty coping with him now.   You are of course under no obligation to come and chat with us but please try to get some help for your own peace of mind and the wellbeing of your son.  Grieving is totally natural and you have to allow yourself to do this; but a good friend would reach out and help you if they knew how you are having these difficulties.  If you have still not managed to speak to a counsellor from CBC (red face here but I will try to contact them and find out the usual waiting time and the best time to ring - thank you for telling me about this) try ringing MacMillan Cancer Support (Freefone 0808 808 0000) who will also talk things through with you.  As you don't know the origin of your mum's cancer I cannot even advise you to go to one of the support groups for individual cancers.  I will totally understand if you don't reply to this - I know I may be making a nuisance of myself - but just want to know that you are getting some help for yourself and your son.  Annie

Hi Annie, I dont mind at all it is nice to have someone to talk too. Not been on for a few days, Sundays currently take me back to the day mum passed, i am not very good on these days and yesterday would have been mums 69th Birthday so a very very hard day for me. Its snowing really heavily so i could not go out and noone could come out to see me. I had a few texts from my and her friends. Which was nice. I have tried for the last few days to call the CBC but same thing "no volunteers available".

Hello again.  I was wondering how you were doing.   Now that the snow is clearing it is a bit warmer and easier although there are loads of burst pipes in the area where I live and the water people are frantically trying to mend them.

I don't know if you have managed to get any help from Cruse yet - I have not heard back from them but in fairness their phone lines are manned (?personned) by volunteers so I won't hassle them.  I am attaching some information from their website by way of interim help!

www.cruse.org.uk/about-grief

How are things with your son.  Do you talk to him about his gran (if that is what he called her) or does he ask about her?  How about communication with your husband at this time?  Basically I suppose I am asking if things are any better.  Grieving is good but not if you are not coping with your little lad and are not getting any help.  I was searching through the MacMillan website to try to find other sources of help and there do appear to be local groups in some areas so you might try taking a look on the internet to see if that is the case where you live.

Best wishes.  Annie