Together we will beat cancer


coping with loss

26 Feb 2018 11:09

the first week after my mum passed i was busy doing so much arrangements, i barley had time to think. However this second week has been a different story, once i start the flood gates open i spend sunday in bed sobbing for my mum like i was a 5 year old again. My mum is everything to me we went everywhere during the day together we spoke at least 3-4 on the phone if we werent seeing eachother. I can not bear going out or socialising with people and have missed 2 invites to things already. My main issue is my child i know he should give me comfort but i am finding i dont want to do anything with him and happy if he sleeps in, he seems to be whining and winging more and i feel like my head is going to explode and i am having to walk away from him. I feel in so much pain right now i just want my mum back.

Re: coping with loss

26 Feb 2018 12:13 in response to LillyStar

Hello LillyStar, it's me again - I responded to your previous post.  I am concerned that you are not coping with your child and I think anyone who cares for you would be concerned also as you wouldn't normally be reacting in this way.  This makes it more important that you get some support for yourself.   Your son is very young but very likely wonders where his gran has gone too. How aware is your husband about your issues - is he out at work all day and is this when you are feeling at your lowest?  I don't know if you read this information about grief from the CRUK website so am attaching it.  You have to allow yourself space to grieve but get support where necssary.  It is still very early days so don't feel you should not be so upset.

After my mum died I made a little space with a few things that were connected with her and also a candle which I used to light then I would set aside a small amount of time to think about her and the good times we shared.  I would light the candle and send little notes up to her by burning them.  It may sound strange but it calmed me and gave me a set time and place to commune with my mum.  Let the future take care of itself and just take things on a "now" basis.  Hoping that you find a way through this, and that thefuneral is not too difficult for you.  Annie


Re: coping with loss

26 Feb 2018 12:26 in response to Annieliz

Hi Annie, thank you for you replies. Yes my husband works all day and comes home and doesnt want me balling every 2 mins. He lost his mum to cancer too. But i feel very alone my mum was my best friend i dont see anyone, my son doesnt go to nursery so i am with him at home all day. My close friends work all day and probably doesnt need me knocking at their door balling. My other family lives miles and miles away. So you see she has left a massive hole. I did speak to my husband that i am struggling but he didnt do to much. My lowest is when he is at work and when my son whinges and whines over the silliest thing like today when all his banana had gone and it just grates on me i am trying not grieve in front of him but it upsets me greatley as its only a banana!! I am looking at candles and i have been talking to her every day. I just cant accept im not going to see or speak to her anymore-this happened in a matter of 24 days from diagnosis. I struggle as i was with her and experienced the death rattle which haunts me every night (I dread sleeping as the sound and her and my experience of it keeps me up ) i end up so tired.

Re: coping with loss

26 Feb 2018 12:48 in response to LillyStar

Hi again. Sadly - as you know - two years olds do make an enormous fuss about things and it is when you are at a low ebb that it can drive you nuts.  I can well remember when my son was two he would throw wobblies all over the place.  Thankfully they generally grow out of it.  I wondered if you had rung CBC - up to you and I only asked because I was watching a programme on TV about GPs and one bereaved patient said she had rung them but had to wait a few weeks before she could get the support .  And I thought "Oh dear, am I recommending people to CBC and then they are having to wait".  But I didn't know when the programme was first made - it was probably ages ago - and the woman  in question seemed quite happy to wait until her turn came as she knew she would be getting some help eventually.

If the weather wasn't so awful at the moment - it is snowing in London - I would suggest that you get out a bit.  Are there any One O'Clock club for mothers with young children - or any similar places - where you can take your son.  I know everything must seem so difficult at the moment but it would give your son something to occupy him and get you out of the house.  Or afternoon cinemas for mothers with young children.  You probably think I am crazy suggesting these things but I think it would be better for you than sitting at home so much.  As I have no doubt you have already realised your grief is going to be painful for some time; please don't think it would be an insult to your mum's memory for you and your son to take a break sometimes.  I am sorry you are still feeling distress over your mum's actual death and the death rattle and if you haven't rung CBC yet then you could always ring the nurses here (Freefone 0808 800 4040) and talk it through with them.

It would be nice to keep hearing from you about how things are going for you - but of course you don't have to do anything of the sort if you don't want to.  Best wishes.  Annie

Re: coping with loss

26 Feb 2018 12:56 in response to Annieliz

Hi Annie, thank you for your support, i have indeed rung the CBC but no volunteers available i tried 5 times. Shall try again later. Its snowing here too. I feel like I have no energy or willingness to get dressed or put a face on these days. We have more events coming up soon and i dont feel like partying. This is so very painful.

Re: coping with loss

26 Feb 2018 13:07 in response to LillyStar

Hi there lilly ... so sorry on loosing your mum , l remember it well , it turns your life upside down and life is never the same ... my heart goes out to you ...

 you are blessed to have a part of you and your mum in your son ... l cannot imagine how he is feeling at the moment ... what did your mum think of your baby ... I'm sure she'd ask you to look after him because she's not around to give him cuddles ... and you know why you feel so lost ...a 2 year old doesn't know why he feels sad , he just does ... and I'm sure he's doing things to at least get your attention even if it's negative. . At two they thrive on cuddles ... 

Please try and get some help quickly ... McMillan may help ... but if you don't find a way of grieving but in a balance way, I'm afraid your son will miss out on a wonderfull mummy ... it just takes baby steps by reaching out and saying you need help ... McMillan won't judge you ... big hug to you and your little man x

Re: coping with loss

26 Feb 2018 13:15 in response to Chriss

Hi  Chriss,

Mum adored him and he her. He has a much stronger bond with his father, sometimes i think he doesnt like me I think because I am the disiplinary. I will try the CBC again.

Thank You

Re: coping with loss

26 Feb 2018 13:33 in response to LillyStar

Hi there again ... then please give him cuddles from his nanny ... children pick up "vibes" is there a little play group you could get him in to give you a little space ... your still in the raw part of grief ... but think of what your mum would say ... you know her well and how she would feel , you hurting so ... 

My mum was my best friend too ... and still miss her 28 years later ... but my mum would have told me too hold on and find the strength in my boys that she adored ... one day your baby will be your best buddy too if you hold his hand now , it's hard work with 2 year old but they grow so quickly ...  and remember your mum is in your heart forever and no one can take that away ... it's such a shame your husband isn't there for you right now but it probably brings back memories of the one he lost to cancer too ... let us know how you go ... x

Re: coping with loss

28 Feb 2018 11:33 in response to LillyStar

Hello, I hope you don't mind me contacting you again - I usually let people decide when they want to talk to us.  How are you doing?  I don't like thinking of you stuck in your own sad world.  When I first read your "Why so quick?" post I noted how you had tried for such a long time  to have your son and what a treasure he is; it speaks a lot for your state of mind that you are having difficulty coping with him now.   You are of course under no obligation to come and chat with us but please try to get some help for your own peace of mind and the wellbeing of your son.  Grieving is totally natural and you have to allow yourself to do this; but a good friend would reach out and help you if they knew how you are having these difficulties.  If you have still not managed to speak to a counsellor from CBC (red face here but I will try to contact them and find out the usual waiting time and the best time to ring - thank you for telling me about this) try ringing MacMillan Cancer Support (Freefone 0808 808 0000) who will also talk things through with you.  As you don't know the origin of your mum's cancer I cannot even advise you to go to one of the support groups for individual cancers.  I will totally understand if you don't reply to this - I know I may be making a nuisance of myself - but just want to know that you are getting some help for yourself and your son.  Annie

Re: coping with loss

28 Feb 2018 11:51 in response to Annieliz

Hi Annie, I dont mind at all it is nice to have someone to talk too. Not been on for a few days, Sundays currently take me back to the day mum passed, i am not very good on these days and yesterday would have been mums 69th Birthday so a very very hard day for me. Its snowing really heavily so i could not go out and noone could come out to see me. I had a few texts from my and her friends. Which was nice. I have tried for the last few days to call the CBC but same thing "no volunteers available".

Re: coping with loss

6 Mar 2018 13:53 in response to LillyStar

Hello again.  I was wondering how you were doing.   Now that the snow is clearing it is a bit warmer and easier although there are loads of burst pipes in the area where I live and the water people are frantically trying to mend them.

I don't know if you have managed to get any help from Cruse yet - I have not heard back from them but in fairness their phone lines are manned (?personned) by volunteers so I won't hassle them.  I am attaching some information from their website by way of interim help!

How are things with your son.  Do you talk to him about his gran (if that is what he called her) or does he ask about her?  How about communication with your husband at this time?  Basically I suppose I am asking if things are any better.  Grieving is good but not if you are not coping with your little lad and are not getting any help.  I was searching through the MacMillan website to try to find other sources of help and there do appear to be local groups in some areas so you might try taking a look on the internet to see if that is the case where you live.

Best wishes.  Annie

Re: coping with loss

8 Mar 2018 09:11 in response to Annieliz

Hi Annie,

No still been unable to speak to anyone at Cruse. But iv had a few tough days. Mums funeral was this week. Feels so final. Although all our family and mums friends said my brother and I did a lovely service for mum it still hard to sink in that i will never be able to see her again (not even at the chapel of rest) Oh yes we talk about grandma we have photos at home of him and her and he is always saying grandma when he associates things with her. My brother and i went through a few of mum bits at hers and i bought home her rocking chair (which my dad bought for her 20+years ago) its in my sons room and i rocked him lastnight before he went to sleep and he kept saying night night grandma. He is an inteligent boy..We are getting there slowly. Just very tough to deal with all this with an attention seeking two year old. I need my space to.

Thanks for getting in touch again Annie x

Re: coping with loss

8 Mar 2018 12:46 in response to LillyStar

Thanks for replying.  The funeral for a beloved parent is always difficult but as you say it is very, well final.  But it is good to mark the passing in this way as it gives you a defining milestone.  Painful at the time but something you will remember.

I am so sorry that Cruse has not been able to help you yet.  I went back to Macmillan Cancer Support and I attach a link which will show you what help is available in the area where you live.  You will have to look up the area or postcode where you live but I am so much hoping that you will find something to help you there. 

When I looked up a random area there seemed to be a mix of things: support groups, volunteering, practical help, benefit advice to name just some of them.

So good that you and your little boy are talking about your mum together.  I realise that your bowl of emotions is already overflowing but to be able to share these feelings is so much better rather than grieving separately.  I get what you say about needing some time for yourself and hopefully your husband can help with childcare to enable you to do this.  I get the feeling that you are gradually making little steps forward - whether you realise it or not.  I imagine your mum would be so proud to see you doing this.  I know it is not great to put words into the mouths of deceased people but I think any mum would be watching over you in this way and recognise the effort it is costing you but you are doing it.  Very best wishes.  Annie xx

Re: coping with loss

8 Mar 2018 14:44 in response to Annieliz

Hi Annie,

I shall check the link and see what is available in my area - Thank You.

Thank you for your kinds words. I seem to crying at everything at the moment, but your last paragraph was very kind and very true about my mum. She was a positive lady and i know she would want for me to move on and she knew i was happy and had my own family now. I just cant seem to adjust to life without her in it. xx

Re: coping with loss

8 Mar 2018 15:37 in response to LillyStar

Hi Lilly... just read your post about you both sitting on your mum's rocking chair , l felt really emotional reading that ...l could just picture your mum looking at the two of you with a big smile on her face  ...  baby steps Lilly, every day baby steps ... Annie's given you some lovely advice so don't give up trying to get some counselling... if no luck with that keep chatting on here ... the more you talk the better ...

And remember mine and Annie's mum are up there with yours ... baby steps ❤ Chrissie