When my wife was diagnosed as terminally ill I just grabbed the bull by the horns and was determined to make her life as easy and enjoyable as possible.  I got into a relentless routine of looking after her, but it was also precious time spent together.  Yes, the illness changed our lifestyle and lives from what they used to be, but we adapted to accommodate it and it soon became the norm.  It was never easy, and we did have feelings of frustration and a longing for the life we used to have, but there was absolutely no way that we could have gone back.

However much we didn't like it the illness was in charge, and our lives had to be structured around it.  We were always a very close couple and to me my wife was exactly the same lady I had met 22 years ago, the illness could never take that away from her!  This cancer journey is *** and no matter how you do things there will always be moments of tiredness, anger and frustration and a longing for the lives you had. 

When things get tough, just have 5 or 10 minutes out and remind yourself of what attracted you to your partner, they are still the same person inside, yes those thoughts can make you happy and sad but what you must remember is that the person you love is stuck in a situation where their mind wants to do one thing, but their body wants to do another.  It's so sad and frustrating for you, and I understand that you might not be able to do it anymore, but you've gotta keep going and support them as best you can.  If you do have opportunities to go out then do it, I know thats easier said than done... My wife was wheelchair bound and dependant on oxygen cylinders so you can imagine how difficult it was for us to go out sometimes. You just learn to adapt and accommodate these things and before you know it, it's the norm!

A lot of this is unfortunately about acceptance, you either do it or you don't!   But, what you must do is try and keep doing the everyday things you would normally do as best as you can, and enjoy each others company.  If you have friends or family maybe ask for help to go out and do things.  Cancer can suddenly snatch it all away from you when you least expect it to, even though you know it's lurking there in the background you are never prepared when it happens.  Just do the best you can, keep the love there, share your feelings with each other and have no regrets!

James x

Thank you for replying to my post. I have thought of what you have said and will try to do as you say. I have discovered I don't have family or friends who will support me, they make things much worse by telling me they know how I feel when they can't their relatives are well and they have support from friends and family. They offer to help, but never do so. Reading what you have said to me that is what really spoke to me as my real problem I don't have anyone to talk to or to spend time with. I think you have helped me to see my problem. I need to get help. I can't do this on my own, so thank you again. I'll try to do as you suggest.

Hi axetogrind

I know exactly what you are saying. My husband is also terminal and we are together 24/7.

Some days we argue over nothing and its usually me who says the wrong thing and off we go. I feel bad afterwards but the frustration of everything just gets too much. Dont beat yourself up about it f you feel angry and fustrated  thats how you feel at that moment. We are probably more angry at the cancer and its affect on our lives. All we can do is our best.

Sending love and understanding

Sue

Dear Sue

Thank you so much for your post. I thought it was just me. I know my partner is a hero for the way they deal with all this, I'm well aware I should be better at all this, but in the end nothing prepares you for it and you stumble through as best you can. I'm feeling better for posting on this website and for the support I have had from you Suenmags and from Axetogrind. I suppose I am also trying to find a way to release all these emotions I am feeling now while my partner is as well as we can hope for with a diagnosis of this sort, so that when I have to focus on being a carer more I will be able to find the strength and kindness we both need me to have. I have always tried to do and say things I won't regret later, but I thought it was just me that was letting things get on top of me so I forget all of that.

Thank you so much